This is the transcript of The End Is Near.
- Name: The End Is Near.
- Rated: R for bad language and character death but no nudity.
- Category: Comedy/Disaster/Horror.
- Relationships: Michael Cera/Emma Watson, Christopher Mintz-Plasse/Mila Kunis, and Jonah Hill/Brie Larson.
- Main Characters: Michael Cera, Christopher Mint-Plasse, Jonah Hill, Dane Dehaan, Luke Evans, and Jack Black.
- Secondary Characters: Tom Welling, Leonardo DiCaprio, Emma Watson, Mila Kunis, Drake Bell, and Josh Peck.
- Note: Alternate Universe. Michael and Emma have dated during this year. Emma and DiCaprio once dated but broke up in 2013 because he cheated on her and lied about not doing drugs before he was arrested for disturbing the peace and being in possession of drugs.
- This transcript will be the first uncensored one. Make sure kids don't read it because the f word will be said.
The End Is Near
(The movie starts with the Sony/Columbia Pictures logo and Grey Point Pictures logo. Then we switch to an apartment and Christopher Mintz-Plasse (27 years old) is sleeping in bed but hears his phone ring. He answers it.)
- Chris: (tired) "Hello? (he then becomes happy) Oh hey Michael, I don't mind. I'll be there soon. Bye."
(he hangs up and gets ready. On a airplane, Michael Cera (29 years old) is sitting in one of the seats and is in Second Class. He is next to Jack Black (47 years old) and they seem to be talking)
- Jack: (curious) "When will you tell him about New York?"
- Michael: (sighs) "He would only know about it in the news."
(then we switch back to the airport where Michael leaves the airplane and is reunited with Chris)
- Chris: (happy) "Hey man."
- Michael: (also happy) "Chris, I'm so happy."
(they share a reunion hug and start to head home. While they are driving, Michael notices an old man holding a sign that says, "The End Is Near!" The screen then shows the six main characters playing "Break Away" from Subdigitals and they are in separate colors: Michael is blue and plays an electric guitar, Chris is green and plays a normal guitar, Jonah is purple and plays the tambourine, Dane is red and playing the keyboard, Luke is orange and plays the drums, and Jack is yellow and is playing a bass guitar. When they were done, they cheered at the fans they got)
- Dane: (cheering) "Fuck yeah! We kicked fucking ass!"
(The boys leave the stage. The camera then shows the other characters. We have Dane Dehaan (31 years old) angrily leaving his house after a nasty fight with his wife but then notices a van being driven by Luke Evans (38 years old) He hitches a ride in it and they drive away. We also see Jonah Hill (34 years old) smoking a bong in his place but sees a flyer and decides to make a call. Back to the main characters, Michael and Chris go to Michael's house and celebrate his return to L.A. The table has some cool stuff. They have fun but then cool down and Chris doesn't seem to notice the news reporting about New York's destruction because of his plans)
- Chris: (smiling) "Dude, I got the best weekend planned. Luke Evans is throwing this party at his new house. I heard that it's gonna be cool."
- Michael: (suspicious) "Will I know anyone there?"
- Chris: (thinking) "You'll meet Luke Evans."
- Michael: (annoyed) "He won't even know my name."
- Chris: (thinking) "There's Dane Dehaan."
- Michael: (angry) "Oh no, not that asshole."
- Chris: (curious) "What's with you and him?"
- Michael: (rolling his eyes) "He hates me and I hate him."
- Chris: (sighs) "Leonardo DiCaprio may or may not be there."
- Michael: (annoyed) "I can't stand that cokehead."
- Chris: (smiling) "Jonah will be there. So will Tom Welling."
- Michael: (convinced) "Okay for you, I'll go."
- Chris: (happy) "Glad to see you on board."
(at night, Michael is driving his DeLorean to the party. He parks it in the garage and leaves it locked. They get to the house and knock on the door. Luke answers it and was excited)
- Luke: (excited) "Ah fuck yeah, good to see you two. (he handshakes with them) Hey Mickey."
- Michael: (annoyed) "It's Michael."
- Luke: (chuckling) "Sorry man. Welcome to my crib."
(Michael can see a bunch of actors at the party. He was happy to see Jonah)
- Michael: (smiling) "Hello Jonah."
- Jonah: (happy) "Hey Big M, what's up? (then he sees Chris) McLovin, how's it hanging?"
(they all share a reunion hug and Emma Watson, 27 years old, was happy to see Michael)
- Emma: (happy) "Hey babe."
- Michael: (also happy) "Hello honey."
(they share a kiss together while Chris and Jonah smile. Then Emma Roberts, 26 years old and nicknamed Jill to avoid confusion with Emma, sees Michael and was happy)
- Jill: (happy) "Hey Mike, good to see you. You look more handsome than you did on Total Drama Island."
- Michael: (nervous) "Wow, thank you for saying that."
(Emma glared at Jill for unknowingly flirting with Michael)
- Jill: (annoyed) "Oh my god, if I don't fuck Leonardo DiCaprio tonight, I'll totally blow my brains out."
(they were shocked by this)
- Michael: (shocked) "What?"
(she points to Leonardo DiCaprio, 43 years old, who is snorting cocaine while other two actors are talking. Those two are Rihanna and Rupert Grint, both of them are 29. Emma wasn't happy)
- Emma: (angry) "What the fuck is 'that' doing here?"
- Jill: (shrugging) "I don't know how he got in."
(back to the other conversation)
- Rupert: (smiling) "So Rihanna, what're you gonna do for the weekend."
- Rihanna: (shrugging) "Well-"
(she's interrupted when DiCaprio rudely spanks her ass. She angrily slaps him across the cheek)
- Rupert: (frowning) "That's not cool, DiCaprio."
- Rihanna: (glaring) "Don't touch my fucking ass again, bitch."
- DiCaprio: (overreacting) "SHUT THE FUCK UP, GRINT! We're playing a game, man. (they look annoyed at him) Say cheese, baby."
(they walk away from him in annoyance. Outside the party, Michael talks with Jonah and Emma)
- Michael: (serious) "If he tries anything, I'm getting a revolver and shooting his dick off."
- Emma: (scoffs) "Fuck him, he won't ruin our night."
- Jonah: (smiling) "That's the spirit."
(they see Drake Bell and Josh Peck (both 31 years old) talking but sees them and smiles)
- Drake: (smiling) "Hello Mike, good to see you."
- Josh: (also smiling) "Fuck yeah it is."
- Michael: (happy) "Hello Drake and Josh."
(then he sees Tom Welling (40 years old) smiling at them)
- Tom: (smiling) "Hey guys. (then he frowns) Uh oh, here comes trouble."
(indeed, DiCaprio came and spanked Emma's ass, much to her anger. Michael saw that and glared at the coke headed bastard)
- DiCaprio: (smiling) "Hey Emma, I haven't heard anything from you."
- Emma: (glaring) "Because I'm avoiding you after you had r***d that poor girl, lied to me about not doing drugs, then spreading rumors about me, and helping Dane r**e me."
(Josh calms her down)
- Josh: (sympathetic) "He's not worth it. (then he glares at DiCaprio) Fuck off DiCaprio, she doesn't want to see you."
- DiCaprio: (smiling) "Hey Josh, does this coke smell funny to you?"
(he blows cocaine in Josh's face, shocking the others)
- Emma: (shocked) "Are you fucking crazy?"
(he just went away with a shit-eating grin on his face. They tried to calm Josh down)
- Josh: (panicking) "Oh fuck. What the fuck did he blow on me?"
- Jonah: (worried) "Dude, that's heroin."
- Josh: (scared) "What? Are you fucking shitting me?"
- Jonah: (serious) "No, I'm just kidding, that's cocaine but that's still pretty bad."
(DiCaprio was bothering them again but Mila Kunis (34 years old) punched him in the face, kicked him in the balls, and threw him in the pool. Chris applauds her and she seductively puts her arm around Chris' shoulder before glaring at DiCaprio and spitting at him)
- Mila: (glaring) "That's for fucking bothering my sister's friends and her man. You ever fucking go near them again, I'll cut your head off and it's not gonna be the one on your shoulders. FUCK YOU!"
(she gives him the finger. They clap for her and she gets a high-five from Emma. Chris smiles)
- Chris: (smiling) "Wow, that was hot."
- Mila: (smirking) "Damn straight, sugar."
(she then walks away smirking at him and Chris gives a sly smile before drinking from his cup. Drake takes Josh to the kitchen to wash the cocaine off due to Josh never having tried the drug before and he was freaking out about it. After that, Michael and Emma saw Dane talking with Jill. Emma looked terrified)
- Emma: (scared) "It's the guy who r***d me the night that the 2014 Animal House remake was filmed."
- Michael: (shocked) "Why the fuck didn't you press charges?"
- Emma: (crying) "Because he bribes the lawyers with weed and cocaine."
- Michael: (angry) "He will not get away with this."
(they vow to bring him to justice. At the party, Casper Van Dien (49 years old) is talking with Kevin Hart (38 years old))
- Casper: (smiling) "So there I was on the set of Starship Troopers, I was actually having s*x with that actress and they got annoyed but what annoyed them was that I looked tired and they accused me of drinking. I'm like 'What drinking?'"
- Kevin: (laughing) "Because you actually drank."
- Casper: (shrugging) "Well, I did take down a eight to ten foot tall Beetle with black armor that shoots lava from it's forehead."
- Kevin: (laughing) "You're a hardcore veteran man."
(they both laugh and high-five. Dane shoves passed Michael and Emma, making them glare. Jerry Trainor (40 years old) witnessed this and shook his head in annoyance)
- Jerry: (annoyed) "What a dick."
- Emma: (agreeing) "Tell me about it."
- Jerry: (serious) "Hey Mike, can you get us some snacks and drinks?"
- Michael: (nodding) "Sure Jerry but I gotta use the bathroom. Can you ask Chris if he wants to come with me?"
- Jerry: (nodding) "Sure man."
(Michael goes to the bathroom but finds Brian Geragthy (42 years old) and Alice Eve (35 years old) making out in there (they are not having sex), making him cover his eyes)
- Michael: (disgusted) "Oh guys, lock the door next time."
- Brian: (sheepish) "Sorry man."
(then Michael decides to use the other toilet but sees Jill giving DiCaprio a censored BJ (her head is covering his groin), making him more disgusted)
- Michael: (disgusted) "Oh good lord."
- Jill: (sheepish) "Sorry Michael. There's room for you, you know."
- Michael: (annoyed) "I'm not receiving one from you, Jill. All four of you out, I need to be in here."
(they got annoyed but left. Michael came in and closed the door. He locks it. When he's done, Emma visits him)
- Emma: (smirking) "Hey Mikey, why don't we blow off some steam?"
- Michael: (smiling) "Sure."
(they lock the door. (Timeskip because I'm not perverted enough to put in a porn scene and thankfully Fanon Wiki doesn't allow it but I think you know what happened. Don't worry you two actors, you're still virgins.) Michael and Chris are walking to Walmart because the garage is locked and Michael can't get his car. They found Walmart but are annoyed to see Uncle Barkus (no relation and age unknown. The Boondocks don't exist in this movie so it's okay for Ruckes to be parodied. Sorry for any racism he might show but the foul words are censored) working there as the only clerk because this Walmart is suddenly a gas station store. A father (Eddie Murphy) and daughter (Angel Murphy) enter the store)
- Father: (serious) "Excuse me, Mr...."
- Barkus: (glaring) "Barkus! Uncle Barkus, no relation."
- Father: (nodding) "Right, can my daughter use your bathroom?"
- Barkus: (snarling) "Read the sign: White Men Only."
(indeed the sign says that. (I'm sorry but he's very racist and I apologize to those who are offended))
- Father: (offended) "Are you serious?"
- Barkus: (growling) "Why the fuck do you think I put up the sign for? Get out of here, this here store is for people with a future."
(they angrily left but saw Michael and Chris, who felt bad for them)
- Michael: (sympathetic) "We'll distract him. (he gives Chris a small plastic football) Hey Chris, go long."
(Chris nods and throws the football at some knicknacks, which worries Barkus)
- Barkus: (worried) "My knicknacks."
(he tries to put them together. The father and daughter are thankful and they selfies with the actors as thank you. However, an earthquake erupts and when it stops, the customers are shocked. One of them, Brandon Keffer-Robalik (17 years old and a civilian playing himself) spoke for everyone)
- Brandon: (shocked) "What was that?"
(however, him, the father, the daughter, and the customers are touched by a blue beam. Michael and Chris watch on in amazement. The people then fly up into the sky as Barkus protested)
- Barkus: (protesting) "What about me? Why them? (the beams then disappear with the people already in the sky. He was upset) Seriously, what the hell?!"
(the ceiling broke and then crushed him, leaving his blood on the wall. Michael and Chris were horrified by his death and run out of the store when it's blown up by a crashing truck. They start running along the street)
- Chris: (serious) "Michael, we're going back to the party, it's safe there."
- Michael: (also serious) "Do I even want to argue?"
(they make to the party and breath heavily. Tom got worried)
- Tom: (worried) "What the fuck's going on?"
- Michael: (panting) "Look outside."
(he does and is shocked)
- Tom: (shocked) "Holy shit!"
(he locks the door. Drake and Josh come running down the stairs and looking like they saw something horrible)
- Drake: (scared) "Dudes, me and Josh saw an earthquake."
- Josh: (agreeing) "Come check this shit out."
(however, DiCaprio wasn't taking this seriously)
- DiCaprio: (joking) "How about we check out my earthquake."
(he got groans of annoyance from Johnny Depp (54 years old) and Peter DeLuise (51 years old) but Dane chuckled at the joke and high-fived him)
- Dane: (smug) "Sorry that you're hallucinating, guess that's what happens when you're dating a w***e."
(Emma looked sad and offended while Mila comforts her and Michael glares at Dane)
- Michael: (glaring) "Shut up."
- Dane: (mocking him) "Oh Emma, oh Emma. (then he evily smirks) You're in L.A. man, quit being such a bitch."
(he then drinks a small glass of alcohol. Michael walks towards him with hatred on his face)
- Michael: (threatening) "I will break your fucking face."
- Dane: (smirking) "How about I fuck your h*e's face? She's probably still a s**t as always. Maybe if I give her my full load, she'll feel better."
(he evily snickers as he high-fives DiCaprio but Jill is worried)
- Jill: (worried) "You don't wanna do that."
- Dane: (scoffs) "What's he gonna do?"
(he turns around and gets punched in the face by Michael. He angrily punches Michael in the stomach. They ended up getting in a fight that involved shattered glass until Chris and the other actors stop the fight. Chris and Jonah restrain Michael while Luke and DiCaprio restrain Dane. Michael is taken upstairs as Dane spits out a blood and gives a glare)
- Dane: (glaring) "Fucking little shit."
(upstairs, Emma hugs Michael)
- Emma: (smiling) "Thanks Michael."
- Michael: (also smiling) "No problem."
(they kiss but another earthquake erupts. Everyone is screaming and they all start to run outside. When they run to the front lawn, they see something horrible and Johnny gets in front to see it before yelling what everyone else was thinking)
- Johnny: (shocked) "WHAT THE FUCK?!"
(Hollywood Hills is on fire and the word Hollywood is destroyed. Nicholas D'Agosto (37 years old) comes running in with a bottle of champagne)
- Nicholas: (horrified) "What the fuck? Oh god. (he stands with the others) What the fuck is happening?"
- Drake: (serious) "I don't know but I'm calling for help. (he searches for his phone but can't find it) I can't find my phone."
- DiCaprio: (scoffs) "What do you need your phone for, man? This is awesome!"
- Drake: (arguing) "Fuck you, man!"
(while they get in a argument, a street light is about to fall on one of them. Josh notices this and gets worried)
- Josh: (worried) "Oh woah, Drake."
(he keeps shouting Drake's name but DiCaprio notices this first and selfishly pushes Drake in the way of it. The street light then falls and impales Drake through the back, causing blood to splatter on DiCaprio's face and everyone was horrified)
- DiCaprio: (disgusted) "Agh, my face."
- Drake: (in pain) "Is it bad?"
(Drew Seeley (35 years old) and Channing Tatum (37 years old) try to calm him down)
- Drew: (calming) "Relax Drake, we'll get you out of that thing."
- Channing: (agreeing) "You're gonna be okay."
(however, Drake starts to get lifted in the air as he groans in pain. Everyone gets worried)
- Josh: (worried) "Drake come back!"
(Drake hears a phone ringing in his back pocket and takes it out to reveal he had his phone the whole time, much to his embarrassment)
- Drake: (embarrassed) "Oh shit, that's fucking embarrassing."
(then another earthquake erupts and Drake is dragged into a giant crater, killing him. The crater starts opening up and people are falling in. Rihanna freaks out at this and ends up falling in as Jerry is holding to the ledge and was horrified by Rihanna's death)
- Jerry: (horrified) "Rihanna!"
(back at the top, Mila falls in. Casper tries to save Jill but she already falls in and he ends up falling too. During the chaos, Dane takes the chance and selfishly pushes Michael in. However, Michael holds onto the ledge, along with Tom, Brie Larson (27 years old), and Johnny. They all glare at Dane for this stunt. Dane just gives an uncaring shrug and runs to the house. Rupert was holding onto the ledge too and spotted DiCaprio)
- Rupert: (begging) "Leo help me."
- DiCaprio: (selfishly) "It's too late for you, you're already in the hole."
- Rupert: (shocked) "What the fuck are you talking about?"
(DiCaprio keeps running and shoves past Luke)
- DiCaprio: (rudely) "Get the fuck out of my way."
(however, he trips on a beer can and falls onto the grass left face first. Nicholas is running but accidentally steps on DiCaprio's head, crushing it and killing him. Despite hating DiCaprio, Nicholas feels remorse)
- Nicholas: (remorseful) "Oh shit, sorry man."
(he still starts running as Chris and Jonah look on in shock)
- Chris: (shocked) "Holy shit!"
- Jonah: (serious) "Chris, come on, let's get in the house!"
(they run to safety. The hole becomes bigger and the next casualties are Brian Geraghty, Channing Tatum, Drew Seeley, and Alice Eve. Nicholas trips on something and also falls down into the pit. Josh is holding onto a root and is panicking)
- Josh: (panicking) "Oh my god, I'm gonna fucking die."
(then the root breaks and he falls down screaming. Jerry tries to escape the pit but a large rock lands on his head, cracking his skull. His corpse then falls into the pit as Tom looks on in horror)
- Tom: (horrified) "Jerry!"
(Kevin is running for his life)
- Kevin: (scared) "Oh shit!"
(Rupert holds onto Kevin's leg)
- Rupert: (begging) "Kevin!"
- Kevin: (annoyed) "Jesus, get the fuck off me, Rupert!"
(he starts kicking him until Rupert screams at some exposed wires that cuts off his hands, leaving him to fall into the pit)
- Rupert: (screaming) "Fuck you Kevin!"
(Kevin screams in remorse at what he's done before getting up and trying to get the severed hand off him)
- Kevin: (panicking) "Shit no! Get your fucking hands off me! Get your fucking-"
(he didn't finish the sentence because he also falls in screaming. Peter trips on something and rolls down to his death. Brie tries to hold on but she ends up falling down screaming, as Michael, Tom, and Johnny look on in horror)
- Michael, Tom, and Johnny: (horrified) "Brie!"
(they struggle about holding on but Johnny manages to escape (off-screen). Michael and Tom are still holding on)
- Tom: (struggling) "Michael, I can't hold on much longer. You have to reach up and grab me, you hear?"
- Michael: (nodding) "Okay. You hold onto my hand and I'll swing you up."
- Tom: (nervous) "Are you sure I'm gonna give you my whole weight?"
- Michael: (serious) "I'm gonna reach for you, alright?"
- Tom: (nervous) "Are you sure you can do it?"
- Michael: (nodding) "I can grab you on 3. 1!"
- Tom: (counting) "2!"
- Michael and Tom: (both counting) "3!"
(they manage to hold onto each other's hands and laugh in relief)
- Michael: (serious) "Alright buddy."
- Tom: (also serious) "Now, I'm gonna swing across."
- Michael: (nodding) "I got you buddy."
- Tom: (continuing) "And you're gonna hold onto my weight, all of it."
- Michael: (nodding) "Okay, come on, buddy."
- Tom: (serious) "You can hold onto my full weight, right?"
- Michael: (brave) "I can do it."
- Tom: (nervous) "I don't wanna die."
- Michael: (counting) "1!"
- Tom: (also counting) "2!"
- Michael and Tom: (both continuing) "3!"
(however, it failed and Tom starts falling down screaming as Michael looks in horror)
- Michael: (horrified) "Tom! NO!"
(Tom continues falling and screaming until he lands in the lava, killing him. Up on the top, Michael manages to get out of the pit and he collapses in grief over Tom's death before he was stunned and horrified to find Johnny dead on the ground. He sees an electrified puddle and now could tell how Johnny died. (It is only shown in a extended scene.) He then sees a recorder and plays it)
- Johnny (voice): (dying) "Michael...tell Jonah I said...bye bye Jump Street."
(Michael looks saddened by this and closed the older actor's eyes and mouth in respect. He then looks at the house and then the hole)
- Michael: (sighs) "Man, fuck it."
(he walks to the house, leaving behind Johnny's corpse, Rupert's severed right hand, Nicholas' champagne bottle, Drake's phone, and DiCaprio's disfigured corpse. Inside Luke's house, Michael enters the house and his Superbad co-stars were relieved)
- Chris: (relieved) "Michael, thank god you're alright."
- Jonah: (also relieved) "Yeah man."
(they hug him but he gives a depressed look)
- Michael: (depressed) "Tom didn't make it."
- Chris: (sad) "Oh my god, not him."
- Jonah: (also sad) "Dude, I can't believe it."
- Michael: (crying) "I tried to save him."
(then he plays the recorder and Jonah is saddened by Johnny's death. Michael tries to call for help on his phone but there's no signal. The same problem with the others. They decide to watch the news)
- Newswoman (on T.V.): (serious) "There has been major earthquakes in L.A. and the sheriff's office is warning civilians and actors to stay in their homes right now. This is not acting, this is a real emergency."
(however, the T.V. loses signal and they all looked panicked)
- Michael: (sighs) "I guess we're stuck here until help arrives. (then he hears a helicopter arrive) Wow, that was fast."
(Luke's radio is heard)
- Pilot (on radio): (reporting) "We got six people located in the house. Time to save- Hey wait, what the hell is that?"
(then radio turns to static as the helicopter crashes)