Madame Bovary (Book of Job Style)/Transcript

Bob the Cucumber: Hi kids, I'm Bob the Cucumber! And welcome to... Uh, I'm Bob the Cucumber! And welcome to... Larry, what are you doing? Come over here!

Larry the Tomato: I'll be right there!

Bob: Wow! What is this thing?

Larry: It's my new suzy-action jeep. I've been wanting it just forever and now it's finally mine!

Bob: Wow! You must be pretty happy to get a cool toy like that.

Larry: Oh, yeah. Well, almost.

Bob: Almost?

Larry: Well, there's just 1 more thing I need to be really happy.

Bob: What's that?

Larry: The camper.

Bob: The what?

Larry: The suzy-action camper. You just hook it up to the trailer hitch on my action jeep and I'll be ready for a weekend of wilderness fun!

Bob: Oh, so once you get the camper, then you'll be happy?

Larry: I don't know. There's also the dirt bike.

Bob: The dirt bike?

Larry: And the jet ski.

Bob: Uh...

Larry: And the action hang glider.

Bob: Larry, how much stuff do you need to be happy?

Larry: I don't know. How much stuff is there?

Bob: Heh heh. Maybe this would be a good topic for today's show.

Chip the Chipmunk: Hold that thought, Cucumber!

Bob: Huh? Hey! It's the chipmunks. Hi, Chip. Hello, Dale.

Chip: Hello.

Dale the Chipmunk: Hello, Bob. I think we can help.

Bob: Oh really?

Chip: Yes! Tell me, Cucumber. Where do chipmunks live?

Bob: Uh... USA?

Chip: That's right. Also in France, we have a story that I think we'll answer your question. It's called "Madame Bovary."

Larry: "Madame Bovary!" I think I've seen that one. Does it have Jerry Lewis in it?

Chip: No! Be quiet and watch the film.

Larry: Sorry.

(The story of "Madame Bovary" begins)

Chip: (voice over) Now Madame Bovary was a sad woman. She lived by herself in a house in a tree. Her butler kitten, Berlioz would show up each morning at 9. He'd open the door to hear Madame whimper.

Madame Bovary: I'm so blue hoo hoo, blue hoo hoo, blue hoo hoo, blue hoo hoo hoo. I'm so blue I don't know what to do.

Berlioz AristoCat: She's so blue hoo hoo, blue hoo hoo, blue hoo hoo hoo. She's so blue, she don't know what to do.

Chip: (voice over) Berlioz would help her with chores in her house in a tree. He would wash dishes to dry them up. Madame would stack them and then start to sob.

Madame: I'm so blue hoo hoo, blue hoo hoo, blue hoo hoo hoo.

Berlioz: She's so blue she don't know what to do.

Madame: These dishes are faded, their edges are chipped.

This rose is on backward and this one is flipped.

These spoons are too tiny, these forks are no good.

These knives have gone dull and don't slice like they should.

My neighbors have nice things, I've seen them myself. In fact, I keep pictures up here on my shelf. Look at this new flatware of Monsieur Lagoon's and Monsieur Desplanes has 12 Franklin Mint spoons. And Phillip Van Pea went and bought a new sink. Why, he even has a disposal, I think. And look at this crock pot of Madame Lacrosse's and ceramic jars where she keeps all her sauces.

Nice sauces.

I'm so blue hoo hoo, blue hoo hoo, blue hoo hoo hoo.

Berlioz: She's so blue she don't know what to do.

Madame: Just look at this sofa of Edward and Tammy's and lovely armoire where they keep all their jammies. I really can't stand it, I think I might die. Now where was that hanky I'm going to sob.

Too late! (sobbing)

I'm so blue hoo hoo, blue hoo hoo, blue hoo hoo hoo. I'm so blue I don't know what to do.

Berlioz: She's so blue hoo hoo, blue hoo hoo, blue hoo hoo hoo...

Berlioz and Madame: ...I'm so blue I don't know what to do.

Madame: (sobbing)

Chip: (voice over) This was the course of a typical morning. The things that Madame Bovary had never made her happy, so she would gaze at the mantel of pictures, and sob for the things she wanted. She was a very blue bovary. Berlioz would try to help, but this did no good.

Berlioz: Now, now, Madame Bovary. You have a lot to be thankful for, good friends, a place to live. Plenty of food and you've got us.

[Crash]

Madame: (sobbing)

Chip: (voice over) Like I said, Berlioz tried to cheer the poor bovary up, but the efforts were fruitless. But anyway, if this sad woman is getting you down, don't give hope because this day that Madame Bovary learned a very important lesson.

Madame: (blows) I need tea. Berlioz, be a dear and bring me some tea.

Berlioz: Just a minute! Hey! What's going on out there?

Madame: Please, stop looking at the window and bring me some tea.

Berlioz: What do you suppose that is?

Madame: I don't know.

Berlioz: What does it mean?

Madame: Would you get that, dear?

Berlioz: It's big. Madame, there's someone here to see you.

Salesman #1 (Archibald Asparagus): Allow us to introduce ourselves. We're neighbors.

Salesman #2 (Scallion #2): We move in by street.

Salesman #1: Some say we're the most delightful bunch of fellows.

Salesman #3 (Scallion #3): You'll ever want to meet.

Salesman #1: And if you have a moment to spare. Kind lady with beauty so... rare. You'd like to take a minute or two, on the topic of interest to you.

Three Salesmen: We represent the Stuff Mart.

Salesman #2: An enormous land of goodies.

Salesman #1: Would you mind if we step in please?

Madame: Well, I.

Three Salesmen: And as associates of the Stuff Mart.

Salesman #1: It looks like you could use some stuff.

Madame: Oh, yes, yes! What I was just saying that-

Salesman #1: I pray that you will take this wrong, my dear, but my initian observation is as follows. The criminal responsible for this decor really should be hanging from the gallows.

Salesman #2 and #3: (laughing)

Madame: (sobbing)

Three Salesmen: We represent the Stuff Mart.

Salesman #2: A magic land of retail.

Salesman #3: Would you care to see what's on sale?

Three Salesmen: Then as a customer on the Stuff Mart.

Salesman #1: Get ready for some real nice stuff.

Salesman #2 and #3: Check it out! Check it out!

Salesman #1: If you want a big hat.

Salesman #2 and #3: We got that.

Salesman #1: If you need a tube of glue.

Salesman #2 and #3: We got that, too.

Salesman #1: A 20 gallon wok?

Salesman #2 and #3: They're in stock. And if you need refrigerators to keep fresh mashed potatoes or a giant air compressor to blow fruit flies off your dresser or a dehydrated strudel or a nose ring for your poodle or a five pound can of a tuna and some flippers to go scuba. Scuba! Scuba! Scooby-doo-bee-doo-ba! Here we go, Scuba. Come on.

Salesman #1: If you need a rubber hose.

Salesman #2 and #3: We got those.

Salesman #1: A rhododendren tree.

Salesman #2 and #3: We got three.

Salesman #1: A wrap around deck.

Salesman #2 and #3: Got to check. And if you need a window scraper and a gross of toilet papers or a ratchet set of pilers and surround sound amplifiers, and a solar turkey chopper or a padded gopher bopper, and Flannel shirts for looking grungy and some rope for goin' bungee. Bungee! Bungee! Bungee-wun-gee-fun-gee. Here we go, Bungee. Come on.

Salesman #1: What we've mentioned are only just some.

Salesman #2: Of the wonderful thing yet to come.

Salesman #1: These pictures you keep also... nice.

Salesman #3: But you really should take our advice.

Salesman #1: Happiness waits at the Stuff Mart.

Three Salesmen: All you need is lots...more...stuff.

Madame: So... If I buy more things, that will make me happy?

Berlioz: I don't think that's true.

Salesman #1: Yes, it is.

Berlioz: No, it's not.

Salesman #1: Yes, it is.

Berlioz: No, it's not.

Salesman #1: Yes, it is!

Three Salesmen: We really really ought to.

Madame: How could I afford to?

Salesman #1: Now, you've got it.

Berlioz: Oh, great.

Salesman #1: Happiness waits at the Stuff Mart.

Three Salesmen: All you need is lots...more...stuff!