The Battle of the TV Slash Movie All-Stars

Day 1. BROCK PEARSON’S VOICE: Sesame Street, The Muppets, SpongeBob SquarePants, Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends, Phineas and Ferb, All Hail King Julien. For years, fans of those shows have been asking which show and characters are the best. And now we’re about to find out in the biggest competition any TV and movies lover could ever know. Live from the Roosevelt Franklin Stadium on Sesame Street in New York City. It’s time for BATTLE OF THE TV SLASH MOVIE ALL-STARS!!! (We look at a huge stadium filled with characters from the six said shows all cheering their voices out while Waldorf and Statler were sitting in the front row looking very bored.) WALDORF: You know Statler, I can’t stand huge crowds like these! It’ll make us harder to leave when the show starts to stink! STATLER: I like big crowds. It means more people get to throw things at the Muppets! WALDORF AND STATLER: HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW!!! WALDORF: Let’s get in some practice! (And they start throwing their peanuts and Cracker Jack into the stadium.) (Then we look into the announcer booth where we see Brock Pearson and Claire Wheeler sitting in front of microphones.) CLAIRE WHEELER: Welcome sports fans. I am Claire Wheeler! BROCK PEARSON: And I am Brock Pearson! BOTH: And welcome to Battle of the TV Slash Movies All-Stars! BROCK PEARSON: Yes fans, in a few minutes, 6 teams will be marching into this stadium and we’ll finally find out which show is the best at friendly competition! CLAIRE WHEELER: And when we mean friendly competition, the referees have confiscated all weapons of death and destruction from the athletes and put them in a nice safe place. Some of the monsters seemed to have quite a few of them. (Then a bunch of mallets, clubs, swords, daggers, and machine guns fall on top of Brock Pearson.) BROCK PEARSON: And they couldn’t be in safer hands now that they’re sticking into the hands and the entire skin of her! CLAIRE WHEELER: Send me to the medical tent, please! BROCK PEARSON: I’m ashamed of you! You know that the medical tents are only for our hard working athletes! Not for us soft announcers who’ll be sitting on our butts throughout this show! (Claire Wheeler climbs back into his seat with a sword.) CLAIRE WHEELER: How thoughtless of me! BROCK PEARSON: Do I feel a sunny day coming and the urge to sweep the clouds away? Do you know what that means? CLAIRE WHEELER: You’ve been sniffing paint thinner again? BROCK PEARSON: No, it’s the Sesame Street team coming into the stadium. (We see the Sesame Street gang marching into the stadium led by Cookie Monster and Gonger with Big Bird holding a flag shaped like the Sesame Street sign.) BROCK PEARSON: Look, there are team captains Cookie Monster and Gonger along with favorites such as Grover, Bert and Ernie, Count Von Count, Elmo, and that big bird himself, Big Bird. CLAIRE WHEELER: And look, there’s some huge elephant man wearing a shaggy coat. BROCK PEARSON: That’s just Mr. Snuffleupagus. They say he’s the Sesame team’s ultimate muscle. CLAIRE WHEELER: Snuffleupagus? I thought he was just an imaginary athlete the Sesame team made up to force the other teams to forfeit. BROCK PEARSON: Snuffleupagus, imaginary?! You’ve obviously don’t keep up with the times, my friend. CLAIRE WHEELER: Look, there’s a trash can with feet walking behind the Snuffleupagus. I’ll bet that can was built to catch all of Snuffy’s messes. Heh Heh Heh! BROCK PEARSON: Really?! We don’t use that kind of humor around the presence of Sesame Street. That’s just Oscar the Grouch in his portable can bringing up the rear. CLAIRE WHEELER: Let’s just hope his can’s aimed at Snuffy’s rear. Heh Heh Heh! BROCK PEARSON: Do you want me to tell your mother?! * * * * * * GONGER: Oh boy, Cookie. We’re gonna win this great sports event, aren’t we? COOKIE: Me don’t know why you talked me into going on with this jockfest! What if me end up losing and letting me team down? Me be humiliated and me have to change me name to Veggie Monster and start a new life! ERNIE: Don’t worry Cookie Monster. If that happens, I know a good way to give you a new identity. (Ernie yanks off Bert’s nose and laughs.) BERT: Bewy punny Ernie! * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: Do you hear that music? That means the next team is arriving onto the field! It’s the Muppets Team! (We see all the Muppet characters, dressed in athletic wear, marching onto the field with Kermit holding a yellow flag with the Muppets Most Wanted logo on it.) CLAIRE WHEELER: Ah, yes. The Muppets team, with their team leader, Kermit the Frog. Their show back in 1976 was very popular on prime time and it was shown in over 100 different countries. And we see a lot more familiar characters like Fozzie Bear, Gonzo, Animal, and Beaker. BROCK PEARSON: Not to mention some newcomers like Walter and Constance. (Constantine takes out a little megaphone while marching.) CONSTANTINE: I’M CONSTANTINE, THE WORLD’S MOST DANGEROUS FROG AND #1 CRIMINAL! CLAIRE WHEELER: And look there in the middle, there’s the radiant Miss. Piggy showing off her new athletic attire! * * * * * * (We see Miss Piggy strutting around in a sparkling pink sweatsuit with gold plated sneakers on her feet.) KERMIT: Piggy, how will you be able to compete wearing all those fancy and heavy clothes?!! PIGGY: Moi, compete in these things?! Silly Kermie! You should know by now that I’m famous for making entrances! GONZO: But you could sweat to death wearing all that heavy stuff. PIGGY: Don’t you know that we pigs don’t have sweat glands?! I use beauty mud. It keeps my skin cool and my face beautiful! FLOYD: You obviously need more beauty mud right now! About the entire world’s mud! HEH HEH HEH! PIGGY: GRRRRRR! (Piggy was about to smash Floyd, until Kermit stopped her.) KERMIT: Please Piggy, save all that for your event. (The Muppets stop marching and in marches the second team.) * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: I know where that pirate-y music is coming from! That means the SpongeBob Team is here! (We see all the SpongeBob characters, dressed in athletic wear, marching onto the field with SpongeBob holding a white flag with SpongeBob’s name written on it.) CLAIRE WHEELER: The SpongeBob team, with their team leader, the titular sponge himself. Their show has been on Nickelodeon for 11 seasons, more than 200 episodes, and still going strong, making it the longest running Nicktoon ever. And we see other well-known Bikini Bottomites like Patrick Star, Sandy Cheeks, Squidward Tentacles, and owner of the Krusty Krab, Eugene H. Krabs. BROCK PEARSON: As well as owner of the Chum Bucket, Sheldon J. Plankton. (Plankton takes out a little megaphone while marching.) PLANKTON: STOP HUMILIATING ME! * * * * * * SQUIDWARD: What!? Why am I on the same team as these morons!? SPONGEBOB: I thought it would make the competition a little juicy. SQUIDWARD: Juicy!? SPONGEBOB: Yes Squidward, juicy. J-U-I-C-Y, juicy. SQUIDWARD: That's not what I meant you barnacle brain! LARRY THE LOBSTER: Sorry to interupt, but what's the first competition? SPONGEBOB: Good question Larry! The first competition is a bicycle race. [Everyone looks releived] SPONGEBOB: In which you will have to make life threatening decisions. [Everyone gasps] MRS. PUFF: We're risking our lives for money? MR. KRABS: Not just money! We're talking about one million smackaroos! SPONGEBOB: Everyone calm down. The possibilities of not coming back from this competition are just twenty-five in one-hundred. PLANKTON: When do we start? SPONGEBOB: Don't you mean, when do we start? PLANKTON: That's what I just said. SPONGEBOB: I'm sure you did. [Sarcasticlly] PLANKTON: Grr! * * * * * * CLAIRE WHEELER: Look what’s coming into the stadium next! A incredibly handsome guy in a huge beautiful fur coat! BROCK PEARSON: Not just an incredibly handsome guy in a huge beautiful fur coat, his name is Eduardo. He’s not just a monster, either. He is also an imaginary friend. CLAIRE WHEELER: No he isn’t. He’s wearing a coat! BROCK PEARSON: Please don’t start up that game. It’s only funny when those scary monster teams played it all those years ago. I can still watch the Scare Games on their spring semester my nephews keep playing over and over again! CLAIRE WHEELER: And it looks like some kind of petting zoo is following him. BROCK PEARSON: No, it’s just our next team, The Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends team with their captain, Bloo. Along with his friends, Mac, Eduardo, Wilt, Coco, Frankie, Mr. Herriman, and owner of the infamous building, Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends. * * * * * * (And we see Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friend friends marching into the stadium while Bloo is holding an imaginary flag   with eyes, a mouth, and a drawing of the Foster’s sign.) EDUARDO: (Sniffs around) BLOO: What is it, Ed? MAC: Do you smell something? EDUARDO: Why, yes I do. Senior Mac. I’ll be right back. BLOO: Sure Ed, WOAAAAH! (Bloo tries to keep his balance while holding the gigantic flag.) (Eduardo rushes over to the front row of the audience and starts to sniff a man.) MAN: He’s gonna eat me! EDUARDO: Oh no. I don’t eat people! I just want to sniff you all because I know somebody is eating potato snacks around here. WHIFF! Have you been eating potato chips? Because my favorite food is potatoes. (The guy just sits there paralyzed. Then Eduardo starts whiffing a guy next to him.) EDUARDO: And you’ve been eating French Fries. WHIFF! With cheese! And let’s see. SNIFF, SNIFF. You sir, just had some potato pancakes, you madam had a potato milkshake, and you little girl had fudge ripple ice cream. Oh what wonderful smells you all have! ****** BROCK PEARSON: They say that there are 104 days of summer vacation, until school comes along just to end it! CLAIRE WHEELER: Unless that day is April, 15th. BROCK PEARSON: That’s why the next team happens to be the Phineas and Ferb team entering the stadium. (We see a whole group of Phineas and Ferb characters enter the stadium doing cartwheels and dancing around while Phineas was holding a flag with a crayon of Phineas and Ferb’s heads drawn on it.) BROCK PEARSON: That there is Phineas Flynn, the team captain. And next to him is his stepbrother, Ferb Fletcher. CLAIRE WHEELER: Ah yes. Ferb Fletcher. They say Ferb is a man of a few words, but he is truly more of a man of action. * * * * * * PHINEAS: So what's the real point of this game. CANDACE : You will be playing these games for a Muppet aye-aye lemur named Billy Bob. One by one, you'll leave through the Drop of Shame. PHINEAS: And how are we eliminated. BALJEET: If a team loses, the losing team must vote off one of their own members PHINEAS: What?! I'm so off this stadium. BUFORD: I wouldn't do that. PHINEAS: Why not? BUFORD: The games just started. CANDACE: (screams) BUFORD: Chillax, and Phineas, think of it half million dollars ISABELLA: Don't go. BALJEET: Please. PHINEAS: (slightly babbling) Okay. * * * * * * CLAIRE WHEELER: And for our final team, we have a small animal from a nearby forest which happens to be shrinking! BROCK PEARSON: No, he’s just King Julien the Ring-Tailed Lemur. CLAIRE WHEELER: And he is wearing some sort of funny hat! BROCK PEARSON: Actually, he is wearing a crown. Don’t make such a big deal about this. CLAIRE WHEELER: And it looks like the rest of the forest animals is following him. BROCK PEARSON: No, it’s just our final team, The All Hail King Julien team with their captain, King Julien. Along with the rest of the lemur kingdom, consisting of his advisor Maurice, his captain of the Ringtail guard Clover, and Mort. * * * * * * (And we see the lemurs marching into the stadium while King Julien is holding a flag of Madagascar. As the lemurs continued marching, we see Mort bouncing all around the parade shouting, “WOO HOO HOO! WOO HOO HOO!”) KING JULIEN: Mort, control yourself! You’re gonna waste all your energy! MORT: I can’t help it! I just know we lemurs are gonna win this thing! MAURICE: King Julien, I’m so nervous. What if I ruin my event and mess up? KING JULIEN: Don’t worry, Momo. Just tell yourself, there is no such word as ruin in the dictionary. CLOVER (holding a dictionary): He’s right, Maurice. It’s under the R pages. It means causing great and usually irreparable damage or harm to; have a disastrous effect on MAURICE: Wow, the word ruin really does exist! Oh no! Then that means I’m gonna ruin my event for sure! AAAAHH! MORT: Gee, Maurice. I’ll bet you’d win a panic event for sure. WILLIE: If there is a panic event, can I enter? That’s my specialty. (Eduardo goes over and sniffs Waldorf and Statler.) STATLER: Oh great! We’ve heard of being bugged by so many monsters over the years, but this is riduculous! WALDORF: At least the monsters from all these years we all know and torment just threw bad jokes at us. What this guy’s doing isn’t really sanitary! EDUARDO: Tell me. Are you two gentlemen wearing Old Spice? STATLER: I am. But Waldorf’s just OLD TWICE! (guffaws) (Waldorf just bops Statler in the face causing Statler’s mouth to cover his nose.) EDUARDO: Uh, I think I’d better go. (And Eduardo covers his own nose fearing Waldorf might hit it also.) * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: It looks like all six teams have entered the stadium. Now it’s time for the national anthems. Everyone please rise. CLAIRE WHEELER: And singing the national anthem for each team is the one, the only, Chris and the Alphabeats, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem, Ned and the Needlefish, Pizza Party, Love Handel, and Wiper Fluid. (The bands step up onto a podium with a mike in the leaders’ hands.) * * * * * * LITTLE CHRISSY: Hey there all you cool sports cats. And now we will play the national anthems for Sesame Street, The Muppets, SpongeBob SquarePants, Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends, Phineas and Ferb, and All Hail King Julien. If I only knew how each song goes. ANIMAL!!!! ANIMAL: (Running in with some papers.) Coming! LITTLE CHRISSY: Thank’s Animal. (And he straightens his tie and clears his throat. Then looks at the notes and starts to sing.) ALL BANDS: Who’s da king that lives in a sunny home for building a rocket! It’s time to sweep King Julien away! Put on make up for the get down! Discovering imaginary friends that doesn’t exist will be forever is something you wish! Can you tell me how to get things started on the most sensational, Phineas and Ferb’s SquarePants Show, All Hail SpongeBob Foster’s Muppet Street Gonna Do It All! (The whole audience looked confused and so does the 6 teams on the field.) BOOOOOOO! Shouted the audience. WALDORF: What kind of national anthem was that? STATLER: The anthem that makes you want to defect to another nation. W & S: HAW HAW HAW HAW! NED: But it isn’t my fault! I was just reading the stuff that was given to me. Wait a minute! (The band leaders look at papers and noticed that all words were mixed up and smudged together.) NED: Animal! What is this? It looks like someone wrote all the songs on one whole paper. They’re all smudged together into one big mix-up! ANIMAL: Sorry. (The audience starts throwing food at the bands.) BOBBI FABULOUS: No! Not my 2000 dollar suit! RANDOM LEMUR: Get behind me! I’ll protect you! (The bands, quickly step away, taking all the ketchup, mustard, soda, egg, ice cream, and rotten fruit hits.) RANDOM LEMUR: That’s it you jerks! If you wanna hit us, you’re gonna have to hit me first! Gimme your best shots! Especially your banana flavored foods! * * * * * * CLAIRE WHEELER: It looks like the audience has just started their own event. Rotten food tossing. BROCK PEARSON: While our ushers try to keep the crowd calm, we’ll be going to a commercial break. * * * * * * (Commercials happen.) BROCK PEARSON: Welcome back, everyone. Well the crowd seems to have calmed down after Chris and the Alphabeats, the Electric Mayhem, Ned and the Needlefish, Pizza Party, Love Handel, and Wiper Fluid’s unfortunate incident. The field has been cleaned of all garbage and the bands has left the field unharmed. CLAIRE WHEELER: To bad that can’t be said about the other band members. But don’t worry. the bands just sent him to the dry cleaners to be cleaned and pressed. BROCK PEARSON: Now for the moment all you sports fans have been waiting for. Our first event! CLAIRE WHEELER: And reporting live at the scene is our own Monster on the Spot, Telly Monster. * * * * * * CROSS COUNTRY BICYCLING * * * * * * TELLY: Hello sports fans. This is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, bringing you the first event. Cross Country Bicycling. (Telly points to a map filled with wild twists and turns.) TELLY: In a few minutes, our cyclists will leave this stadium and follow this wild and twisted trail that could take many days to complete. They’ll be racing through big crowded cities, sweet smelling country farms, and woods filled with cute and sometimes dangerous wildlife. Ooooh! I wouldn’t want to be in their shoes! Anyway, let’s go over and meet the athletes competing in this event. (Telly walks over to a starting line where we see a Count Dracula, a Muppet scientist assistant, a squid, an imaginary rabbit, a bully, and a lemur on bicycles. Telly approaches Mr. Herriman sitting on one of those old fashioned big front wheel bikes.) TELLY: Competing for the Foster’s team is Mr. Herriman. Mr. H, I understand you were a famous champion bicyclist back when you were younger. Can you tell me how you became so successful back then? MR. HERRIMAN: Master Telly, I’d like you to know that I still am. Back in my home town, they called me The Road Rabbit! And I plan to win today’s race today, thanks to the good luck charm I just received. TELLY: And what charm is that? MR. HERRIMAN: It’s stuck right in my bicycle spokes. It’s a trading card of Babe. TELLY: Not THE famous baseball player, Babe Ruth?! MR. HERRIMAN: Haw haw haw! Of course not you silly boy. I may be a doctor, but I’m not that rich. It’s a trading card of a figurative babe. I just adore lady stars! TELLY: Okay, thank you, Mr. Herriman. Now we move on to the next bicyclist. Playing for the lemur team is Willie. (Telly approaches Willie who is sitting on a blue bicycle.) TELLY: Willie, it’s said that you’re the very first lemur ever ride a bicycle. Is this true? WILLIE: Why yes it is. I was the first lemur to tame this delightful two-wheeled creature. TELLY: Two-wheeled creature? WILLIE: But of course. TELLY(confused): Well, I hope all your two-wheeled creature training will pay off for this big race. WILLIE: I believe so. Right my noble steed? (And he places an oat bag on the handlebars.) TELLY: Okay, thank you, Willie. Now we move on to the next bicyclist. Playing for the SpongeBob team is Squidward Tentacles. (Telly approaches Squidward who is sitting on a his recumbant bicycle.) TELLY: Squidward, they say that you’ve rode it to work at the Krusty Krab where you work as a cashier. Is this true? SQUIDWARD: Yes. I’ve been riding that more relaxing bicycle ever since my old regular bicycle got destroyed. TELLY: What happened? SQUIDWARD: I remember one time when SpongeBob and Patrick request me to go jellyfishing with me, so I rode off using my old bicycle. While I was drawing my attention away from the bike which leads to out-of-control riding, during the process, a jellyfish flied in my mouth and we fell off a cliff. There was this other time when I was riding my bike to work when SpongeBob tamed a wild seahorse and took her to work with him, which I believed he is still using a machine, but I ignored it and thought to myself about this karma, which I am served afterwards in the form of being flung off a cliff. TELLY(confused): Well, I sure wish your recumbant bike won’t get ruined by any obstacle during the race. SQUIDWARD: Trust me. I will not, I repeat, not see any obstacles heading my way to destroy this one, or new racers for that matter. TELLY: Next we have playing for the Phineas and Ferb team is Baljeet Tjinder. (Telly approaches Baljeet who is sitting on a blue bicycle.) TELLY: Baljeet, it’s said that you’ve been among the many people who lost in bicycle races. Is this true? BALJEET: Exactly. In fact, I am descendant from a long line of bicycle race losers. TELLY: How d you get so good that one time? BALJEET: Well, one time in the summer, Phineas and Ferb decide to do Tour de Ferb bike route. I began to worry to myself that I may lose that race, until Greg LeMond shows up and encourages me not to give up, no matter what obstacles I face, like a lake, some tigers, or a bottomless pit. I kept believing in myself not to give up, and just as we were getting closer to the finish line, Greg LeMond was about to win until he got attacked by a tiger before he was there, and I won. TELLY: Wow, I hope you won’t give up on this one. BALJEET: I hope so. If I can try not to worry about losing, which there is a 55% chance that I am going to. (Telly then moves over to Count sitting on a purple bike with bat wing shaped handlebars.) TELLY: Competing for the Sesame team is my friend, Count Von Count. COUNT: Greetings Telly. And greetings to all of you in the crowds and to every one watching on TV. I could just count you all. One, two, three, four….! TELLY: Forgive me for interrupting you, Count. But would you mind telling our fans about the bike you’ll be riding on in this race? COUNT: But of course. This here is the Transylvanian special. A bicycle made only for the members of my family. And just look at all the speed gears it features. TELLY: Wow! That must be the fastest bike in the world with all those speeds. Exactly how many are there? COUNT: Let’s count them and see. One, one speed! Two speeds! Three speeds! Four speeds! Five speeds….! TELLY: What have I started?! COUNT: Six speeds! Seven speeds! Eight speeds! I love extreme counting! Nine speeds! Ten speeds…! TELLY: Let’s move on to our final cyclist. (We see Beaker sitting on an orange bike with what looks like rockets on the side.) TELLY: And competing for The Muppet Show team is Beaker. Tell me Beaker. What kind of bike are you riding? It looks very advanced. BEAKER: Mee, mee, mee, meep. Mee, mee, mee, mee, Mee, mee, mee, meep. TELLY: Sorry, but I don’t seem to understand your language. Do we have an interpreter here? (Dr. Bunsen Honeydew steps in.) BUNSEN: I’ll translate for my questionable speeched friend. Beaker is sitting on an advanced new bicycle that was created in Muppet Lab’s. It features adjustable mirrors, hand massaging handlebars, and two rockets on the side for an extra boost of speed. TELLY: Two rockets on the side?! Isn’t that kind of dangerous?! BUNSEN: Don’t worry. My friend, Beaker, has nerves of steel and a heart of courage. He can handle the strong intensity of whatever surprises this untested bike will dish out. BEAKER: Mee, meep?!! BUNSEN: And I also put crazy glue on his seat for his safety. BEAKER: MEE MEE MEE MEEP! (Beaker tries to get off the seat, but can’t.) TELLY: And there you have it. Which one of these four athletes will win this hardcore bike race? And more important, will any of these racers survive?! Especially the last one I interviewed. Back to you, Brock. * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: Thank you, Telly. Now we see the starter approaching the field getting ready to fire the gun to get the race going. BLUE ANYTHING MUPPET IN A STRIPED SHIRT: On your mark, get set, BANG! BROCK PEARSON: And they’re off! It looks like Mr. Herriman, Baljeet, Squidward and Willie have taken the first lead as they’re both leaving the stadium right now. But I don’t see the other two cyclists leaving the stadium yet. CLAIRE WHEELER: There’s the Count still at the starting line. Why isn’t he pedaling? COUNT: 47 speeds! 48 speeds! 49 speeds! 50 spectacular speeds and still counting! Oh, I have a feeling I’m gonna win this race as soon as I finish counting! 51 speeds! 52 speeds! BROCK PEARSON: And I don’t see any sign of Beaker either. Has his rocket powered bike caused him to zoom to first place so fast that we couldn’t see it? CLAIRE PEARSON: Nope, we got him on our monitor. It turns out he zoomed out the back way. He’s going really fast, but only backwards! BROCK PEARSON: Why is he doing this? Going backwards will earn his team negative points! * * * * * * (We look into the Muppet team dugout, where the Muppets look flustered and outraged.) KERMIT: Bunsen, what’s wrong with that bike you built?! Beaker’s going backwards and putting us way in last place! BUNSEN: Oopsie! I must’ve installed the rockets in backwards! KERMIT: YOU WHAT?!!!! * * * * * * (We see Beaker speeding backwards through the country while he was crying a fearful, “MEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!” Then he starts riding through things like a cactus farm, a poison ivy vineyard, and forests of hornets’ nests. Finally, Beaker slams into something soft and cozy causing him to stop. He turns his head and sees a gigantic pillow.) BEAKER: Meep, meep? (Beaker turns his head again and sees a billboard that says, SEE THE WORLD’S LARGEST PILLOW. Beaker sighs of relief. But then, the tree branches covering the bottom of the sign get blown away causing it to read, SEE THE WORLD’S LARGEST PILLOW FILLED WITH NITRO GLYCERINE.) A TEAR FILLED BEAKER: Mee, meep! Then the pillow explodes with a huge boom, causing poor Beaker to zoom again, but forward this time. * * * * * * CLAIRE WHEELER: Look, our monitor shows that Beaker is now going forward at the same speed, and is heading back into the stadium. BROCK PEARSON: Let’s hope he’ll be able to catch up with his opponents. But I don’t think he’ll have to worry about the Count though. * * * * * * (We see the Count still at the starting line still counting speeds while the Sesame team was shouting at him to move it.) BERT: Count, move your batty butt! ERNIE: Why does he always do stuff like this to us? (Just then, Beaker zoomed past the Count, causing him to stop counting and to spin around like a top on his back wheel.) COUNT: One uncontrolled wheelie! Two uncontrolled wheelies! Three uncontrolled wheelies! Even though I like counting wheelies, I do not really like being dizzy. I guess I’d better get going and win this race for my beloved team! (The Count stops his spinning and starts to pedal off trying to catch up with the other cyclists.) BERT: It’s about time! ERNIE: Go Count! Bring us one wonderful win! * * * * * * CLAIRE WHEELER: Well it looks like all six cyclists have left the stadium and will experience the intense action known as cross country bicycling. BROCK PEARSON: We’ll be bringing you updates of this long bicycle marathon along with more great people, monsters, Muppets, imaginary friends, lemurs, and sea creatures competing in great sports events when we go to day 2 of Battle of the TV Slash Movie All-Stars! * * * * * * WALDORF: Statler, do you believe in the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat? STATLER: I only predict that one team is gonna be defeated. WALDORF: Which one? STATLER: Us, the viewers! W & S: HAW, HAW, HAW, HAW! Day 2 BROCK PEARSON: Welcome back sports fans to Day 2 of Battle of the TV Slash Movie All-Stars. I’m Brock Pearson and this here is my co-caster Claire Wheeler. Uh, Claire? (Brock looks and finds Claire’s seat empty. Then he sees her trying to push a crumpled dollar bill into a Vendaface machine.) CLAIRE WHEELER: You refuse to take my dollar so I can get some fruit punch! VENDAFACE: Sorry, your bill is too wrinkled for me to accept. Come back with a smoother and maybe a much bigger bill. (Claire Wheeler starts to bang on the machine in anger.) BROCK PEARSON: Please, Claire. We’re on the air! CLAIRE WHEELER: I don’t do go on the air until I’ve had my fruit punch. I want my punch you stupid machine! VENDAFACE: Your rude wish is my command. (A hatch opens in the machine and a boxing glove punches Claire Wheeler back to his seat.) BROCK PEARSON: You got your punch, happy now? A DAZED CLAIRE WHEELER: Yes, that punch had lots of Vitamin C. It lets me SEE stars and little birdies. BROCK PEARSON: Anyway, if you all tuned in yesterday, the start of the cross country bicycle race had happened. Right now, the four cyclists are riding through the big city known as New York. Reporting live from a helicopter is our Monster on the Spot, Telly Monster. * * * * * * (We see a helicopter hovering over the city with Telly peeking out the window.) TELLY: Thank you, Brock. This is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, bringing you the latest update on the bicycle race. So far, we see the cyclists riding down the street with Mr. Herriman leading, Baljeet, riding in second, Willie in third, Beaker in fourth, Squidward in fifth, and The Count bringing up the rear. And uh, oh! It looks like our cyclists have stopped, for rush hour traffic has started. And if you’re a citizen of New York, you know how major rush hour traffic can be. It looks like our athletes might have to wait a long, LONG, while. (We see the six competitors on their bikes on the sidewalk waiting for the traffic to cease.) AN IMPATIENT BEAKER: Mee, mee, mee, meep! COUNT: 12 cars, 14 trucks, 4 taxi cabs, and 1 cab driver that actually looks American! I love counting things in rush hour traffic! WILLIE: What is this mysterious traffic bird above us, and why does it have three eyes? If only it would turn good and open its kind jolly green light. MR. HERRIMAN: Sorry fellas. I can’t wait here any longer. That butcher shop across the street is giving me the willies! WILLIE: What the heck, man?! BALJEET: I’m gonna try and find a short cut somewhere in this city. See you all at the finish line. (He pedals off.) SQUIDWARD: I believe I will do the same thing. WILLIE: Come my faithful two-wheeled friend. Maybe we can find an underground hole that will lead us back on the trail. There’s one right now! (Willie pedals over to a subway and goes down it.) (Beaker sighs as he waits for the traffic to clear. Then his cell phone rings and he answers it.) BUNSEN’S VOICE: Listen, Beaky. You don’t have to wait for all that heavy traffic to clear. I know a short cut. Just follow my directions and you’ll be in the lead. Trust me! BEAKER(In a worried voice): Mee, Meep! BUNSEN: Why do you always make that worried meep whenever I say, trust me? (Beaker pedals off leaving only The Count left.) COUNT: 19 cars, 24 trucks, 5 motorcycles, 2 ambulances, and 2 lawyers chasing after those ambulances! HA HA HA HA! Oh, that was fun. But I guess I’d better get back to the race. And I’ll need good old fashioned bat power to do it. (Count pushes a button on his handlebars and metal bat wings pop out of the sides and he flies over the traffic. A little boy looks out a car window and speaks to his father.) BOY: Look Daddy. The Bat Plane! They’re shooting another Batman movie! FATHER: Just as long as they shoot it far away from our home. That’s fine with me. (Count lands on the other side of the street, closes the wings on his bike, and pedals off.) * * * * * * (Back up in the helicopter with Telly) TELLY: Well, it looks like The Count somehow managed to overcome the heavy traffic and has moved up to first place. But the other three cyclists are now off the trail and are scattering in all sorts of directions. Just what will be the results of this bicycle-thon full of surprises? We’ll find out when we bring you more updates. Back to you, Brock. * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: Thank you, Telly. Well sports fans, it looks like this race will last quite a few days with the strategies these bikers are pulling. But right now, we’ll be bringing you one of the events taking place here in the stadium. Reporting live at the scene is game show host, Guy Smiley. CLAIRE WHEELER: Guy Smiley? I thought he disappeared from existence. BROCK PEARSON: What do you mean? CLAIRE WHEELER: You know, because of that scandal about him and those Miss. Universe ladies all those years ago? BROCK PEARSON: Those could’ve been rumors. Give the guy a break! And speaking of guy, here he is reporting. * * * * * * 400 METER RUN * * * * * * GUY: Thank you, Mr. Pearson. And for information, Ms. Nosey, those stories about those girls are not true! The only love in my life is my mirror! Anyway, this is Guy Smiley, America’s favorite game show host, reporting live at this track where the 400 meter run is about to begin. The first runner to complete 4 full laps will win. And I see that our runners are at the starting line right now. Let’s see who’ll be competing. (Guy walks over to the six runners.) GUY: Competing for the Foster’s team is Mac, Horst for the lemur team, Gary the snail for the SpongeBob team, Isabella for the Phineas team, Grover for the Sesame team, and Animal for Muppet team. (Animal is running his legs off in place with a collar and chain around his neck and Floyd behind him holding him back.) ANIMAL: WANNA RUN! WANNA RUN! FLOYD: Not now, Animal. Wait for the gun to fire! GUY: I see that someone is eager to win this run. Care to share your thoughts, Animal? ANIMAL: RAAARRRGGGGH! GUY(Backs away in fear): Uh, I see that you had a lot on your mind and you wanted to get it all out of your system. (Blue referee guy comes in with his gun.) REFEREE: Runners, get ready, get set, BANG! (All the runners run off and Animal’s chain slides through Floyd’s fingers.) FLOYD: YEOW!(And starts blowing on his chain burned hands.) FLOYD: This is one of the reasons why I prefer to play bass! GUY: And look at them go! So far, all 6 runners are about even and are running up a storm. But wait! Isabella has seemed to stop running and is looking down on the ground. What’s wrong with her? (Isabella bends down and picks something up.) ISABELLA: Aw, what a cute little caterpillar you are. You shouldn’t be out on this huge track. You could get trampled on by runners. Oh, you’re so adorable. Tickle, tickle, tickle! * * * * * * (In Phineas’s dugout.) PHINEAS: Isabella, what are you doing?! RUN! BUFORD: Phineas, I thought you said you coached Isabella to be a running machine! PHINEAS: Well, I… I…. CANDACE: Is this one of the methods of your coaching? PHINEAS(Looks at Candace): GRRRRRR! * * * * * * GUY: So far, five of our runners have completed their first lap and they’re starting their second, except for Isabella who is still on the same spot she stopped on. Just what is her strategy for all this? Now, wait a minute! It looks like Grover’s now stopped running and has joined Isabella. GROVER: Aw, what a cute little caterpillar you have found. It is almost as adorable as me! ISABELLA: I found it crawling on the track. It’s a good thing I stopped otherwise I might’ve stepped on it. GROVER: And it would never have the future of being a beautiful butterfly. Did you not know that caterpillars turn into butterflies? ISABELLA: Oh really? That’s very interesting. Can you please tell me more? GROVER: Why certainly. You see, there are four stages of the caterpillar. Egg, Larva, Pupa, and Adult….. * * * * * * (In the Sesame dugout.) BERT: Grover had a good lead! Now he’s turned from a runner to a professor?! ERNIE: Take it easy, Bert. You know all of us from Sesame Street have this uncontrollable habit to teach. It’s like some force urges us to educate. BERT: You mean ESP? ERNIE: More like PBS. * * * * * * GUY: Well, it looks like Animal, Gary, Mac, and Horst have completed their second lap while Grover and Isabella are standing there not racing at all. I don’t believe this, now Animal has stopped running and has joined the other two ceased runners! ANIMAL: Caterpillar! ISABELA: Yes, isn’t it darling? Want to hold it? (Animal picks up the caterpillar, opens his mouth, and swallows it.) ISABELLA: AAAAAAAH! ANIMAL: Good bug! Bye bye! (Gets back to running.) ISABELLA: My poor new friend! GROVER: How dare he! This looks like a job for Super Grover! (Grover spins around in circles and suddenly appears in his superhero costume.) GUY: Amazing, somehow Grover has disappeared from the track and Super Grover has appeared out of nowhere! Where do you suppose Grover went? * * * * * * AN ANGRY BERT: That’s what the members of his team would like to know! * * * * * * GROVER: Up, up and apprehend! (Grover zooms and tackles Animal and starts to wrestle with him.) ANIMAL: RAAARGGH! GROVER: All right you foul fiend! Release that innocent caterpillar you have captured before I unleash my full superhero power on you! GUY: This is crazy! Now it seems like Mac and Horst has completed his third lap while Isabella seems to be standing on the track in tears while Super Grover is having a wrestling match with Animal. I tell you, I haven’t seen this much mess since I’ve seen the condition of my hair from my old game show tapes! But look, Horst’s getting close to the finish line. It looks like he might be the one to win this race! GROVER: I do not understand it! I am using my full super powers and you do not seem to be giving in! ANIMAL: Me have nerves of steel! GROVER: No matter what, I must rescue that caterpillar! (Grover wraps his arms around Animal’s stomach and squeezes him hard causing the caterpillar to shoot out of his mouth.) ISABELLA: MY CATERPILLAR!!!! HORST: Oh boy, there’s the finish! I’m going to win! (The caterpillar ends up flying into Horst’s ear causing him to stop.) HORST: Wait, I got something in my ear! I can’t run with things in my ear! (Horst sticks his finger into his ear while standing just inches away from the finish line.) GUY: This is complete madness! With Mac in the lead, Horst is just inches away from winning, but now he seems to be playing with his ear! Now look! Isabella is running around the track again, passing Super Grover and Animal who seem to think this event is a wrestling match! ISABELLA(running around the track): Little caterpillar! Where are you? HORST: Just one more pat and I think I’ll have it out! (Horst pats the side of his head causing the caterpillar to shoot out his ear and land on the other side of the finish line.) HORST: Ah, that’s much better. ISABELLA: There you are! (Isabella rushes past Horst and Mac, crosses the finish line, and picks up her caterpillar.) GUY: Our judges just informed me that Isabella has completed 4 laps. Isabella Garcia-Shapiro is the winner! HORST: Oh well. At least I got that bug out of my system. Heh heh heh! * * * * * * (Phineas and his friends in the dugout cheer for Isabella!) BALJEET: YAY! ISABELLA DID IT! PHINEAS: Was there any doubt? I was her coach! * * * * * * ISABELLA: Are you okay, my little caterpillar? Don’t worry. I’ll get you the medical attention you need. GUY: Miss. Garcia-Shapiro. Can we have a word with you? ISABELLA: Please make it quick, I have to tend to my traumatized friend, here. GUY: Isabella, at first it seemed that it worried your fans and teammates when you were the first to stop running. But somehow you managed to bounce back and bring your team the victory. Just what are your feelings right now? ISABELLA: Well, Guy. At first I felt determination when I first started running, but then I felt concerned when I saw this cute little caterpillar on that dangerous track, then I felt love for it. Then I felt fear when it got eaten, and then anger seeing what that Animal did and also sadness knowing that I might not ever see my new friend again. Then I became surprised when I saw it fly into the air as well as hope. And now I’m happy to be reunited with my caterpillar and proud that I won the race from my friends! Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to give this little caterpillar a bandage, a hot bath, and a nourishing meal. (Isabella rushes off.) GUY: And there you have it! A little girl of many big feelings! Certain athletes could learn a thing from her kindness, peace, and love! (We see Super Grover and Animal all tangled up in a huge mess, then Bruno the garbage man picks them up, puts them in his trashcan, and walks off.) GROVER: Once again, Super Grover has saved the day for cute little caterpillars! ANIMAL: Want ice cream! GROVER: Me too! Oh, mister sanitation citizen. Be so kind and take us to the nearest ice cream stand, will you? * * * * * * STATLER: They say that running is good for your heart. WALDORF: I’ll say, maybe we should runaway before this tournament makes us die of heart attacks! W & S: HAW, HAW, HAW, HAW! WALDORF: Uh oh! I think I feel one coming now! HAW, HAW! * * * * * * GUY: This is Guy Smiley bringing you back to Brock Pearson and Claire Wheeler. * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: Thank you, Guy. Wasn’t that the most amazing foot race you’ve ever seen, Claire? CLAIRE WHEELER: It’s seems more like some of those racers put their feet in their mouths! BROCK PEARSON: Let’s see what our first scoring is right now. Maintaining our scoreboard is our favorite satyr, Philoctetes. * * * * * * (We see Philoctetes the satyr taking a wire out of his chest, plugging it into a scoreboard section, and a huge 1 appears under the words, Phineas and Ferb.) PHIL: Well Brock, so far it looks like the Phineas and Ferb team is the first to score a point. So the score is Phineas and Ferb Team 1, other teams zero. * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: Thank you, Phil. And there you have our first scoring report with the Phineas and Ferb team leading. But who knows, the other 5 teams might have the strength, the endurance, the intelli… Well, those first two things to catch up. CLAIRE WHEELER: Let’s say we get another report about our bicycle race from Telly Monster. * * * * * * (We see Telly still in the helicopter.) TELLY: Well Ms. Wheeler, it’s quite a confusing sight seeing some of our cyclists pedaling around New York City wondering where they should go. Right now, we’re looking at Beaker who seems to have stopped at the entrance of Central Park. * * * * * * (Beaker looks up at the Central Park entrance with a worried face while Bunsen talks to him on his cell phone.) BUNSEN: That’s it Beaky. You’re sure to get back in the lead if you take a short cut through Central Park. BEAKER: Mee, mee, mee, meep! Mee, mee, mee, mee!” BUNSEN: Oh Beaker. I’m sure Central Park isn’t that dangerous as most people say it is. All you have to do is ride though and don’t make eye contact with anyone. And make sure you’re not showing off anything valuable like gold, diamonds, and money. Now, off you go. (Beaker sighs and pedals into the park. As Beaker cautiously rides through the park, he sees how pretty it can be when no crimes are happening.) BEAKER IN A CALM HAPPY VOICE: Mee meep! (Just then, Beaker’s bike suddenly turns from orange to solid gold and diamonds pop out from the sides.) BEAKER: Mee meep!(Then his cell phone rings again.) BUNSEN: Uh oh, Beaker. I forgot to tell you something! Muppet Lab’s bike has a special feature. At certain times, the bike turns to solid gold and sparkly diamonds pop out all over so it’ll give you class when pedaling through fancy places. BEAKER: MEEP! (Then a whole wad of cash pops out of Beaker’s handlebars.) BUNSEN: And another feature the bike has is that cash can pop out of the handlebars at certain times just in case you come to a toll booth or a drive thru. So it might not be a good idea to ride through Central Park after all. Good luck. (Bunsen hangs up.) Just then, some Muppet thugs and monsters surround Beaker while carrying some clubs and pipes and brass knuckles. A HORRIFIED BEAKER: Mee, meep! TELLY: Quick, get that camera back up to me! (We look back up to Telly while a bunch of thrashing, pounding, and cries of MEEP, were heard from below.) TELLY: Sorry, but since this program is rated G, it might not be wise to show you what’s going on down there. Ooooh! What a horrible sight to watch! We news reporters have such awful jobs! (Beaker slowly pedals out of the park all beat up with his bicycle stripped of everything valuable.) BEAKER: Mee, mee, meep! (And some teeth fall out of his mouth.) TELLY: Poor Beaker, but at least he seems to be back on the right bike path. This is Telly, Your Monster on the Spot reporting live from my helicopter above. Back to you, Mr. Pearson. * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: Thanks once again, Telly. What are your comments about everything we’ve seen today, Claire? Uh, Claire? (We see Cliare Wheeler back at the Vendaface machine holding a gun.) CLAIRE WHEELER: Now you listen and you listen good! I’m gonna put a dollar inside you and you’re gonna cooperate and give me my food, or else you might not live to see your retirement! (The machine stars to shake nervously as it accepts her dollar.) CLAIRE WHEELER: That’s better. Now please give me some malted milk balls. (Instead, the machine pops out a magnet, pulls the gun away from Claire, and closes the hatch.) CLAIRE WHEELER: What the…? VENDAFACE: Your milk balls, Ms. Bossy. (Vendaface brings out the gun again and starts shooting milk balls at Claire Wheeler chasing her behind her chair. Brock Pearson hides behind his chair as well.) BROCK PEARSON: Didn’t anyone tell you never to threaten Vendaface machines?! The guy who created them is famous for being a total jerk! CLAIRE WHEELER: And their malted milk balls pack a mean punch too! Look at these chocolate cuts on my face! MAKEUP! (Brock Pearson pops his head back up wearing an army helmet while milk balls bounce off of it.) BROCK PEARSON: This is Brock Pearson saying tune in tomorrow for Day 3 of Battle of the TV Slash Movie All-Stars. If we’re both still living that is! (A milk ball hits the camera and everything goes staticky.) Day 3 (We see Brock Pearson and Claire Wheeler sitting at a box right next to a fighting arena.) BROCK PEARSON: Welcome back, sports fans, to Day 3 of the Battle of the TV Slash Movie All-Stars. I am Brock Pearson. CLAIRE WHEELER: And I’m Claire Wheeler. BROCK PEARSON: I suppose you’re wondering why we’re both out here instead of in our announcer booth. Well it’s because a certain friendly neighborhood Newsman ticked off a certain vending machine and it shot our little announcing sanctuary to bits. CLAIRE WHEELER: Hey, that thing just got on my nerves and action needed to be taken! BROCK PEARSON: It’s just as well because we get to have a front row view of our next event, the martial arts competition. In just a few minutes, we’ll see our athletes duke it out in this very ring. CLAIRE WHEELER: And it looks like there’s one of our athletes over there. She’s one of the favorites, the radiant and sometimes dangerous Miss. Piggy. But why is she sitting there on field? (We see Miss Piggy sitting on the field Indian style with her back turned.) BROCK PEARSON: It looks like she’s meditating. They say that Miss. Piggy is an expert in all kinds of martial arts. This meditating is probably practice to build up her fighting chi. CLAIRE WHEELER: Chi? You mean she’s building up her ham and chis?! Heh heh heh. BROCK PEARSON: Why didn’t I just leave you behind back there?! Anyway, I’m going to go over there to interview her. CLAIRE WHEELER: Please don’t tell her about my ham and chis jokes. I had enough of getting attacked. AN ANNOYED BROCK PEARSON: I won’t make any promises! (Brock Pearson walks over to Piggy and gently taps her on the shoulder.) BROCK PEARSON: Excuse me, Miss. Piggy. I hate to bother your meditation, but can you give your fans a few words? PIGGY: Meditation? What are you talking about? (Brock Pearson turns around and finds Piggy with blue beauty cream on her face with cucumber slices on her eyes and Yolanda Rat applying lipstick on Piggy’s cheeks.) BROCK PEARSON: Oh, sorry. It seems like you were going through make-up-tation! My own little made up word, folks. PIGGY: Hold on a minute please. (She takes a towel and wipes the stuff off her face and throws the towel over Yolanda.) PIGGY: Thank you, Yolanda dear. Here’s a quarter. Go by something nice for yourself. YOLANDA: Thanks a lot, Miss. Piggy. (And then rushes off still covered in the towel.) PIGGY: Hello Brock. What can moi do for you? BROCK PEARSON: Miss. Piggy, it is said that not only are you a famous movie star and fashion model, but you know many forms of martial arts which you’ll be displaying in today’s match. PIGGY: That is true. I’ve been trained in all sorts of martial arts from Swine-Fu to Sow-lin. And alas, I know it will sadden my fans that I won’t be showing the sweet and caring side of Miss. Piggy today. But to be forced to defend moi-self from hostile opponents in the name of competition and for my own dear team. I just hope my dear fans will be able to forgive moi once this oh so violent tournament is over. BROCK PEARSON: Thank you, Miss. Piggy. And I’m sure your fans won’t look down at you at all, but cheer for you to win. PIGGY: Merci, Lewis. Now when you’re in the editing room, make sure you remove that scene with moi in beauty cream. We do not want the public to see that. Do we? BROCK PEARSON: But I can’t remove that scene. This interview was live. A SHOCKED PIGGY: Come again? A NERVOUS BROCK PEARSON: It’s live! I’m afraid everyone saw everything! PIGGY(With a raged look): Are you saying you filmed me in embarrassing beauty cream and cucumber eyes ON LIVE TV?!!!!! BROCK PEARSON(looking at his watch): Oh, look at the time! I got more sports casting to do! PIGGY: And you’re gonna do your casting in a cast! HIYYYAAAA! (Piggy socks Brock Pearson sending him flying back to his seat, right next to Claire Wheeler.) CLAIRE WHEELER: You okay? BROCK PEARSON(with his nose stuck in his mouth.) MRRMRLF! CLAIRE WHEELER: While I help give Brock a nose job, here’s an update about the bicycle race from Telly Monster. * * * * * * (We see Telly in the subway.) TELLY: Thank you, Mr. Newsman. This is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, reporting live from the subways of New York City. Well, so far, the other 3 cyclists are back on the path and are about to leave the city, except for Willie and Squidward, who recently rode into the entrance of a subway, but hasn’t emerged yet. Right now, our camera crew is on a search for the missing squid and lemur. Wait a minute, it looks like camera 4 has spotted him. (We see Willie pedaling over to a turnstile.) WILLIE: Well, my faithful two-wheeled friend, we’ve come across quite a pesky obstacle. It’s the species known as the turnstile. It has huge silver tentacles that stick out and won’t let you pass unless you feed it. Now if I only had some turnstile creature food. Ah, there’s one! (Willie looks down on the ground and finds a subway ticket.) WILLIE: Here you go you hungry little creature. Down the hatch! (Willie inserts the ticket into the turnstile slot and it lets him through.) Willie: Now that the creature’s been fed, it’s time to find our way out of this cave. AAAAAH! (Willie and his bike end up falling onto some tracks.) Willie: Are you okay, my dear wheeled friend? (He checks his bike) You look fine, no bones broken. So you won’t have to be put out to pasture. Hmmm, it appears we’re on the trail where the giant yellow-eyed long beasts roam. We’d better be careful, these beasts are super speedy and have been known to make frequent stops and devour any creatures that are nearby with its huge side mouth. Luckily, there don’t seem to be any around right now. (Willie suddenly hears a rumbling sound and some headlights in the far distance. He looks in fear at what was coming.) WILLIE: A yellow-eyed long beast!!! Quick, my steed! Move those wheels! (Willie pedals like mad on his bike and jumps back on the other side as the train zooms past him.) WILLIE: Whew! Thank you my noble beast of burden. I wouldn’t be able to survive in this new world without you. And look, there’s the exit of this crazy cave. Let’s ride. TELLY: Well, it looks like Willie has finally left the subway and is back on the trail. And look, he’s caught up with the other cyclists. And now they’re all leaving the city and heading for the country. With Count leading, Baljeet in second, Squidward in third, Beaker in fourth, Mr. Herriman in fifth, and Willie trying to catch up. This is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, bringing you the latest cross country bicycling update. Now back to our two main sportscasters with another event. * * * * * * MARTIAL ARTS * * * * * * CLAIRE WHEELER: Thank you, Telly. Now we’re back with the next event of Day 3, the martial arts tournament. BROCK PEARSON(bending his beak back into shape): Ah, that’s better. Yes, our tournament is about to start any minute and our fans are going wild! Before the match, our athletes drew numbers and the ones who drew numbers 1 and 2 will go first. Whoever wins the first round, will fight whoever drew number 3 in the second, and in the last round, the winner will fight whoever drew number 6. And the last fighter left standing wins. CLAIRE WHEELER: And here comes the fighter who drew number 1. It’s none other than the girl who decked you, Miss. Piggy! BROCK PEARSON: Don’t remind me! (We see Miss. Piggy sitting on a throne, being carried by two muscular pigs. Then Piggy climbs down, takes off her robe, and shows off a sparkling diamond karate outfit with a jewel covered black belt. The crowd starts to cheer.) PIGGY: Thank you, everybody. Kissie, kissie! * * * * * * (In the Muppet dugout.) KERMIT: What’s Piggy doing? This is supposed to be a martial arts tournament! Not a fashion show! FOZZIE: Give Piggy a break, Kermit. You know how much she loves to make entrances. KERMIT: I suppose you’re right. I just hope she doesn’t hurt her competition too bad. GONZO: I’m just glad she won’t be using her moves on us for a change. * * * * * * CLAIRE WHEELER: And here comes Miss. Piggy’s opponent. It’s a fighter from the lemur team. And he looks like a huge heavyweight. BROCK PEARSON: It’s Butterfish. (Butterfish walks to the arena while eating a bucket of pancakes that a lemur lacky is holding. Butterfish tries to climb into the arena, but can’t.) BUTTERFISH: A little help here, please. (The two lemur lackies push Butterfish up onto the arena. Then the scrunched down lemurs waddle off to the medical tent.) A SHOCKED PIGGY: Holy Guacamole! BUTTERFISH: Oooh! Is there guacamole around? PIGGY: You must way a ton! BUTTERFISH: I happen to be big boned. PIGGY: You mean from eating dinosaur bones?! REFEREE: Now you two, I want a nice clean fight and no hitting below the belt. PIGGY: I can’t even see that guy’s belt with his stomach hanging over it! REFEREE: Now shake hands and start fighting at the sound of the bell. (Butterfish and Piggy shake hands. And Piggy notices her purple gloved hand is all sticky.) PIGGY: What the heck is this stuff? BUTTERFISH: Oh, I guess it’s the syrup from my pancake snack, man. Here, let me get that off of you. (Butterfish takes Piggy’s hand and starts slurping off the syrup.) A HORRIFIED PIGGY: YUCCCH! (The bell starts to ring.) BROCK PEARSON: And the bell has rung! It’s time to start the first round. PIGGY: You’re gonna pay for that disgusting display! PIG POWER PUNCH! HIYAAA! (Piggy strikes Butterfish in the gut, but it didn’t hurt him one bit.) PIGGY: What the…? Why aren’t you knocked down?! (Piggy starts to chop Butterfish some more, but all that did was make his huge belly jiggle. Then Butterfish lets out a loud, BURP, knocking Piggy back.) BUTTERFISH: Thank you. I needed to release all that gas for months, man. PIGGY: GRRRRR! You think that’s funny?! I got other moves! SUPER SWINE STRIKE! HIYAAA! (Piggy slams her body against Butterfish’s, but all that did was made her bounce off of him and hit the ropes.) PIGGY: All right then, CURLY TAILED KICK! HIYAAA! (This time, Piggy jumps in the air, spins around like a tornado, and tries to kick Butterfish non-stop. But it didn’t seem to hurt the fat lemur at all. Butterfish just yawned while standing there.) CLAIRE WHEELER: Amazing! No matter how many awesome moves Miss. Piggy is displaying, Butterfish does not seemed phased at all! BROCK PEARSON: Obviously all that blubber in his body is protecting his vital organs. So all that Butterfish has to do is just stand there and let his fat absorb all of Miss. Piggy’s blows. CLAIRE WHEELER: This could be bad, Brock. If everyone in America is watching this, they might think obesity is the way to go! * * * * * * (In the lemur dugout.) KING JULIEN: Way to go Butterfish! Show off those sick nasty moves! CLOVER: King Julien, Butterfish isn’t moving at all. He’s just standing there while the pig’s doing all the cool moves. * * * * * * (In the Muppet Show dugout.) FOZZIE: That big lemur doesn’t seem to be hurt at all! GONZO: Hey, maybe I should build up some blubber when I do my stunts. KERMIT: This is terrible! Piggy’s just gonna tire herself out if she keeps up all this pointless fighting! SCOOTER: Somebody not getting hurt by Miss. Piggy? That’s way too shocking! FLOYD: What’s even more shocking is that Miss. Hamhocks is actually the thin one in this picture. HA HA HA! * * * * * * CLAIR WHEELER: Yes, just as predicted. It looks like Miss. Piggy is losing her energy. And her attacks are slowing down. PIGGY(now tapping Butterfish’s stomach): PANT, PANT! Why won’t you fall down?! PANT, PANT. BUTTERFISH: Okay, I think I’ll sit on you now. (Butterfish jumps in the air and lands on Piggy causing her to scream.) BROCK PEARSON: Whoa! It looks like Butterfish might win this first round and make Miss. Piggy the first fighter to be eliminated! CLAIRE WHEELER: We’ll see once the referee makes the count. REFEREE: One! (We see Butterfish still sitting on Piggy while Piggy lies there with her eyes bugging out of her head big time.) REFEREE: Two! PIGGY: GASP! It feels like a sack of lard is crushing me! GASP! No, make that 10 sacks! GASP! REFEREE: Three! BUTTERFISH: I think I’ll celebrate my victory with another snack. (Butterfish takes out a huge sandwich and starts chomping on it while crumbs fall on Piggy’s face.) REFEREE: Four! PIGGY: How humiliating! GASP! What is that stuff?! GASP! It smells familiar! REFEREE: Five! BUTTERFISH: Oh, it’s a new sandwich I just invented. It’s a ham, bacon, sausage, and porkchop sandwich. REFEREE: Six! PIGGY! WHAAAATT?!!!! REFEREE: Seven! BUTTERFISH: Boy, I wonder where all this great stuff comes from? Maybe from some dumb animal? Do you want a bite? REFEREE: Eight! AN ENRAGED PIGGY: GRRRRRR! REFEREE: Nine! PIGGY: You’ve just signed your death warrant, Fatso! HIYAAAAA! (Piggy ends up kicking Butterfish off her causing him to land on the arena, almost causing an earthquake.) BROCK PEARSON HOLDING ONTO HIS SEAT: Whoa! It looks like Miss. Piggy’s back on her feet again and boy is she ever steamed! CLAIRE WHEELER: Don’t you mean smoked. Like a smoked ham?! AN ANGRY PIGGY: You’re next, sister! CLAIRE WHEELER: GULP! (Piggy’s starts to scream as her eyes glow a white color, her hair sticks up, and the image of a wild boar appears in the background.) * * * * * * KERMIT: Uh oh! I was afraid of this. FOZZIE: Kermit, what’s Miss. Piggy doing? KERMIT: She once told me about this. It’s the full extent of her power. She only releases it when someone makes her really mad! FOZZIE: But I thought we’ve seen Miss. Piggy get really mad many times! GONZO: Obviously, no one has ever eaten a pork sandwich while sitting on top of her. * * * * * * A NERVOUS BUTTERFISH: Was it something I ate? PIGGY: WILD BOAR BAZOOKA BLAAAAST! HIYAAAAA! (Piggy makes a glowing fist and swishes it at the speed of light socking Butterfish in the stomach. That huge force of nature sent Butterfish out of the area and flying into the sky out of sight.) BROCK PEARSON: He’s going, going, gone! REFEREE: Butterfish has been knocked out of the arena! The winner of the first round is Miss. Piggy! (The crowd becomes silent at first, but then starts to cheer.) PIGGY NOW SMILING AGAIN: Ha, ha, ha! Oh, thank you! Thank you all my adoring fans! Kissie, kissie! BROCK PEARSON: Talk about a new way of removing fat! Miss Piggy has unleashed some mystical unknown power and defeated the fat lemur. Now she gets to move on to her next opponent. What are your thoughts, Claire? Uh, Claire? (Brock finds Claire gone and footprints scattered over to the exit.) BROCK PEARSON: Oh yeah, that H-A-M crack he made earlier. (Kermit quickly rushes over to a proud Piggy.) KERMIT: Piggy, are you all right? Don’t you think you should rest before you take on your next challenger? PIGGY: No thank you, Kermie Dear. I’m just getting warmed up! KERMIT: Are you sure? That amazing attack I just saw must’ve taken a lot out of you! PIGGY: Oh, sweet misunderstanding Kermie! You do not seem to understand the power of Swine-Fu. Once I release the power of my Wild Boar Bazooka Blast, my full fighting energy gets restored! KERMIT: Really? PIGGY: But of course. Let moi show you by kissing you non-stop! KERMIT: Okay, I believe you. Good luck in the next round!(Kermit rushes back to the dugout.) CLAIRE WHEELER: Moving on to the second round. Miss Piggy will be facing her next opponent from the Phineas and Ferb team. Please welcome, Perry the Platypus. PERRY: (chatters) PIGGY: What?! * * * * * * WALTER: Our Miss Piggy taking down a mindless exotic pet platypus? SAM: This is definitely not American. This is really stupid. KERMIT: And besides, the worse that could happen is that her fans will turn down on her. * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: But don’t let his mindless domestic exotic pet gig fool you. (Suddenly, Perry stands on his hind legs and puts on his fedora and invites Miss Piggy to a brawl.) REFEREE: Let the second round begin! (Miss Piggy backs off, giving Agent P an opening to punch him in the belly. She quickly starts pounding him on the back with her forearms. She kicks at his legs with quick hard shots, causing him to go on his knees.) PHINEAS: Perry is really fired up. FERB: But Miss Piggy wants revenge for Isabella beating Animal yesterday at the race. (Agent P runs and bounces off the ropes, before jumping and kicking Miss Piggy in the side of the head. He then goes for the cover. However, Miss Piggy powers out and quickly climbs to her feet. He chopped Agent P's chest repeatedly. She dropkicked Agent P, knocking him over the top rope where Major Monogram caught him and put him back in the ring. Miss Piggy waits as Agent P turns around and leaps, grabbing her neck. Agent P quickly pushes him off, leaving the pig to fall on the mat.) GONZO: Ow that had to hurt. (Agent P starts stomping at Miss Piggy repeatedly, forcing the pig to roll out of the ring. The referee stops him from following and gets distracted long enough for him to beat down on Miss Piggy and tosses him back into the ring. Agent P lifts him up and Irish whips him into the turnbuckle, back out. Agent P lowered his knee pads and ran full force at Miss Piggy and jumped, driving both his knees into the other teammates back.) CARL: There it is the Tehran express! (Miss Piggy falls back on the mat, Agent P grabs his arm and drags him across the ring to the middle and flips him over before sitting on his back and lifting his arms onto his knees and grabbed his head and pulled.) FOZZIE: He has his opponent on the ground that's not where you wanna be in a match with this. KERMIT: Your right Trent he has that bazooka bacon locked in! MISS PIGGY: I… give up! BROCK PEARSON: Miss Piggy just surrendered, making Agent P win round 2! * * * * * * (At the Phineas and Ferb dugout.) FERB: At least we don’t get to hear any of Miss Piggy’s fans booing. PHINEAS: I think it would be best if they’d just forget about today and still love Miss Piggy. Just don’t tell Miss Piggy’s fans. FERB: Sure. * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: And now it’s time for the third round round. Agent P will now be facing an opponent from the Sesame Street team. He’ll be able to take on any chump of any size. (Everyone starts hearing a cute little la la song as Elmo climbs up into the arena.) BROCK PEARSON: Yes, it looks like the next opponent is that lovable red monster, Elmo. ELMO: Hello Perry. Elmo’s gonna try and beat you today. MAJOR MONOGRAM: You’ve got to be kidding! * * * * * * (In the Sesame dugout.) GONGER: Elmo taking on Perry the Platypus? Whose idea was that? (Cookie Monster silently raises his hand.) GONGER: Cookie, how could you do this to Little Elmo?! He can’t take on that duck-billed fighting machine! Why not Herry or Snuffy? They’re bigger and stronger! COOKIE: Trust me, Chef Gonger. Me have feeling Elmo will come out of this okay. GONGER: You’d better. Or else we’ll have to give Elmo’s World to somebody else. * * * * * * REFEREE: Let the second round begin! MAJOR MONOGRAM: This should be a piece of cake. One gentle knockdown and you’ll win this round too. (Just as Agent P was about to touch Elmo, some kids in the crowd started shouting at him.) LITTLE BOY: No, please don’t hurt Elmo! We love him! LITTLE GIRL: Elmo never did anything to you! Why do you want to hurt him? (Agent P becomes shocked and confused.) AN OLD LADY IN THE CROWD: They’re right you mean old bully platypus! Don’t you dare harm sweet little Elmo! A GIRL: Yeah, he’s much smaller and cuter than you! AGENT P: (gulps) A GUY: We’re warning you, Perry! If you hurt Elmo in any way, we’ll never be fans of yours again! (The entire crowd starts yelling and booing at Agent P.) DR. DOOFENSHMIRTZ: Yeah! Take down that little red monster they call Elmo, Perry the Platypus. Take him out! (Elmo climbs on top of Agent P’s back and then puts her in a harmless headlock.) ELMO: Elmo’s gonna pin you down and win this match for Elmo’s friends. CROWD: DON’T HURT ELMO! DON’T HURT ELMO! CARL: Why is this happening?! (Agent P starts getting madder and madder as Elmo continues his hold on him.) BROCK PEARSON: This is outrageous! Agent P was once the most fearsome fighter in the second round, but in the third round, he’s just standing there while this cute little monster is trying to pin him down. Will Elmo succeed?! * * * * * * COOKIE: See Chef Gonger, me had this planned all along. GONGER: You’re right, Cookieie. Not even the violent platypus would have the indecency to hurt a sweet little monster like Elmo. COOKIE: Yeah, otherwise Elmo’s fans might hurt him. * * * * * * (The Phineas and Ferb team watches horrified, except Dr. Doofenshmirtz, as they see Agent P just standing there while Elmo continues his headlock on her.) PHINEAS: Poor Perry! He’s sure in a tough situation. BUFORD: I just wish I had that little monster’s cute face and charm. MAJOR MONOGRAM: Yeah, then maybe Agent P won’t strike us anymore. DR. DOOFENSHMIRTZ: I really want Perry the Platypus to win, Francis. One knock-out and the little red throw rug will be done. * * * * * * ELMO: Perry the Platypus give up yet? Elmo can do this all day. MAJOR MONOGRAM: What can you do, Agent P?! If you throw this little red pest off your back, your turncoat fans will hate you forever! DR. DOOFENSHMIRTZ: But if you let him win, you’ll look like a huge chump in front of everyone! MAJOR MONOGRAM: Not only that, his fur is starting to tickle your throat. (Agent P gets an idea. He yanks Elmo off his back and pins him to the floor.) LITTLE BOY: OH NO! He’s gonna hurt Elmo after all! LITTLE GIRL: I can’t look! Both kids cover their eyes imaging the cries of pain Elmo might make.) DR. DOOFENSHMIRTZ: Finish him off, Perry the Platypus! (The audience hears Elmo laughing. The children uncover their eyes and see a surprise. Agent P was tickling Elmo’s stomach.) ELMO: HA HA HA HEE HEE HEE! No No, Perry! Elmo’s ticklish! HEE HEE! (Agent P shrugs and continues tickling him.) OLD LADY: Wait a minute. He’s not hurting Elmo. He’s just tickling him. That’s so cute! GIRL: Yeah, we love it when Elmo gets tickled! Let’s encourage Perry on! (The crowd starts cheering for Perry.) BROCK PEARSON: What a crazy turn of events! At first, the fans were cheering for Agent P, then they were booing him, and now they’re cheering for him again! * * * * * * BIG BIRD: Oh no! They’ve discovered Elmo’s weakness! BERT: Ernie, didn’t you know about this?! ERNIE: I assumed Perry lived in the adult world and didn’t know about those Tickle-Me-Elmo dolls! * * * * * * ELMO: HA HA HA HEE HEE! No Stop! HA HA! Elmo want to throw in the towel! HEE HEE! (A towel flies into the arena and Elmo catches it.) REFEREE: Elmo has thrown in the towel. Agent P wins the third round! (The crowd starts cheering as well as the Phineas and Ferb team.) BROCK PEARSON: Amazing, Perry has won the next round without having to hurt anyone. Except that he may have tickled a few life spans out of Elmo though. (As Agent P bows to the audience, two monsters come in with a stretcher, put the laughing Elmo on it, and walk off.) ERNIE: Elmo, are you gonna be okay? ELMO STILL GIGGLING: Yeah, Elmo just needs some rest and maybe watch a few sad movies to get back to normal. Hee Hee! BROCK PEARSON: For his third match in a row, Agent P will take on an opponent from the SpongeBob team, the master fighter, Sandy Cheeks. BROCK PEARSON: Now Sandy can move on to the final match, where she’ll take on the fighter from the Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends team, where the victor of this match will win the whole event. (Sandy then looks over to the Foster’s dugout.) SANDY: Which one of you wants to rumble with the squirrel?! I can take on all of you! BLOO: Oh, Mac. That squirrel scares me! SANDY (pointing to Eduardo): How about you, Fuzzy?! Come up here and I’ll turn you into a throw rug! BLOO: A throw rug again?! First, One-Eye Cy, and now, you?! What a horrible thought! EDUARDO: Clam down, Azul. She was just exaggerating. Actually, seniorita Sandy, I have just the opponent who would be perfect for you. SANDY: Well, bring on the fresh meat! (Frankie pulls out the toy chest with chains that she fell down one time with Mac, Bloo, Eduardo, Wilt, and Coco followed one time.) SANDY: Well, brush my tail. Toys! (She unlocks the chains and starts to look inside, which she actually dives down into it.) What the heck are you babbling about? (Sandy falls down into the unusually deep toy chest and lands in an imaginary wold of its own filled with living toys, crayons, sumptuous delicacies and visual beauties.) SANDY: Where am I? (She looks a some trees, and tries to climb up one. She feels something unusual about the tree.) SANDY: This tree is made of cardboard. (She also sees flowers with crayons as petals. She picks up one of them and starts to draw a picture of an acron on the cardboard tree.) SANDY: Amazing. (Suddenly a childish voice appears in the imaginary world.) WORLD: Hi there, new friend. Ready to do, if you’ll excuse the pun, some world wide boxing? Ha ha ha! SANDY: Oh, please! Your jokes are almost as bad as Patrick’s. Now get up here. All I see is nothin’! (She turns to see who the childish voice belongs to. A figure of a pink colored rabbit plush.) WORLD: But I am anything you can imagine you silly squirrel. I live here! Would you stay and be my friend? SANDY: Come again? BROCK PEARSON: That’s right! This is the unheard voice of World coming from the toy chest. This should make quite an interesting match. Who the heck is World? REFEREE: Let the final round begin! SANDY: I don’t know what kind of freak you are, but no mere shadow is gonna get the best of SANDY CHEEKS! HIYAAAA! (Sandy tries to chop the plush penguin, but her hand goes right through the penguin plush.) A SURPRISED SANDY: What, the….? WORLD: Ha ha ha ha! Didn’t expect that, did you? * * * * * * PLANKTON: I pretty much did! SPONGEBOB: Oh no! There’s no way Sandy can hurt a shadow. It doesn’t look good for her at all! PATRICK: What does she mean her jokes are almost as bad as mine? My jokes are much worse! Wait a minute! I didn’t like how that sounded! * * * * * * WALDORF: Hey Statler. Did you ever come across a really tough shadow in your life? STATLER: I’ll say. This five o’ clock shadow that won’t come off, no matter how much I shaved this morning! (And Statler points to his fuzzy cheek.) * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: Unbelievable, Sandy just keeps swinging and kicking with all her might, but that World is just standing there unharmed, and we have monitors being broadcast from the imaginary world inside the toy chest to prove it! SANDY: PANT, PANT! No matter what! PANT PANT! I’m gonna find a way to beat you, kid! WORLD: Aw, you seem a little tired. I think a nice snack is what you need to relax. (World suddenly grows and transforms into a huge black dome, covering the entire arena along with Sandy.) BROCK PEARSON: Now this is outrageous to the max! Some kind of shadow dome has covered the entire area and we see no signs of our fighters! * * * * * * MR. KRABS: Wow, this is almost like something you’d see in one of those Japanese fighting cartoons. SPONGEBOB: Poor Sandy! * * * * * * (Sandy finds herself in a dark netherworld where everything is pitch-black.) SANDY: What’s going on here?! I can’t see my white suit in front of my face! WORLD’S VOICE: You’re just in time, too. I just made some crumpets. (A lights are flooded around a toy kitchen. World gives Sandy some crumpets and tea on a tray.) WORLD: Here you go, my good ma’am. You must be hungry from all this fighting. SANDY: How did I suddenly get in the middle of a kids style playhouse? WORLD: You know what goes best with crumpets? Powdered sugar. (World sprinkles some powdered sugar on the crumpets.) (Sandy takes one from the tray and eats it.) SANDY: Dadgum, this is delicious, I can’t feel my anything. (She starts to feel tired.) Thanks anyway, but I gotta get... (Suddenly she starts to fall asleep.) A FIENDISH WORLD: Nighty-night, my new friend. (World finds a giant plush automobile which just happens to be outside the window.) WORLD: If you can’t stay here, then I am gonna make you! (World slowly approaches a terrified Sandy.) SANDY: S-s-stay away from me, whatever you are! (And she raises her hands in defense!) WORLD: Enjoy you’re stay! (And World in car form approaches on Sandy, covering her in a smoky shadow!) SANDY: AAAAAAHHHH! STOP THIS! I SURRENDER! MAKE THIS MADNESS GO AWAY! PLEASE! (Suddenly, the black dome disappears and everyone sees the imaginary world from the monitors again, along with World standing proudly and Sandy on the floor, quivering in fear.) BROCK PEARSON: I don’t know what happened in that dome, but it looks like World might’ve gotten the win. REFEREE: Do you want to continue, Sandy? A SHAKING SANDY: Are you out of your mind?! That’s one of the most twisted fighters I ever had to deal with! I give up! REFEREE: You heard the lady! World is the winner. The Foster’s Team wins the martial arts event! (The Foster’s Team cheers!) MAC: Wow, Ed. I never knew World had that kind of power. EDUARDO: I guess we never asked, and we’re thankful we never did. (World comes out of the toy chest and thanks the cheering fans and then floats over to the Foster’s team.) WORLD: How did I do? BLOO: Very good, World. You won us the match! But will Sandy Cheeks be okay? She looks really shaken. WORLD: She’ll be fine. My methods are like shadows. They’ll eventually fade away. And now it’s time for me to fade back to the toy chest. And if you ever need me for another sport, just call. (And World returns into the toy chest.) * * * * * * (Waldorf and Statler watch as the same monster orderlies carry the shaking Sandy away on a stretcher.) WALDORF: What do you call that? STATLER: Shake N’ Bacon! W & S: HAW HAW HAW HAW! (SpongeBob and his team rush over to Sandy.) SPONGEBOB: Sandy, are you okay? What did that car do to you?! Speak to me! (Sandy grabs SpongeBob and hugs him, causing SpongeBob’s eyes to bug out.) SANDY: Oh, SpongeBob! You would not believe the horrible things I saw! Just hold me please! SPONGEBOB(gasping for air): Anything for you Sandy. Just as long as you let go and let me do the holding for both of us! * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: And there you have it, the end of the martial arts tournament. It looked like Sandy Cheeks was about to take home the victory, but in the end, a mysterious warrior from the imaginary world came and stripped the squirrel of her winning streak, giving the Foster’s team the win. Phil, what’s the score now? * * * * * * (We see Phil at the scoreboard taking out another cord from his chest and plugging it into the Foster’s section on the board, giving that team a 1.) PHIL: Well, it turns out both the Foster’s and the Phineas teams each have one point. While the Lemur, Sesame, SpongeBob and Muppet teams have zero. * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: So it looks like the Phineas and Foster’s teams are tied for first place so far. Can they keep their leads and can the other two teams catch up? We’ll find out on Day 4 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. (Claire Wheeler sneaks back up to the announcer’s desk.) CLAIRE WHEELER: Does that pig still want to pulverize me? BROCK PEARSON: No, Claire. After what she went through, I don’t think Sandy will be doing any pulverizing for a while. CLAIRE WHEELER: What a relief! We get to close this broadcast without me getting flattened. By the way, what ever happened to that fat lemur that got knocked out of the area? CLAIRE WHEELER: I think your question will be answered in a few seconds. Look up! (Claire Wheeler raises her head and sees a tiny black dot in the sky. Then it starts to get bigger and bigger and it starts to scream, until it turns into a huge fat lemur who falls really fast and lands right on top of the Claire Wheeler, flattening him.) BUTTERFISH: That was a wild ride. You got any candy, Mr. Sportscaster? BROCK PEARSON: All I have is some aspirin. (He tries to push some of the pills under Butterfish’s butt.) BUTTERFISH: Uh, excuse me! That’s my bottom, my mouth is up here. BROCK PEARSON: They’re not really for you. They’re for my friend you’re sitting on. BUTTERFISH: Oh, sorry! (Butterfish gets up and sees Claire Wheeler, now flat as a pancake. Brock Pearson tries to shove some pills into his flat mouth, leaving small lumps in his flat throat.) CLAIRE WHEELER: Just end this broadcast, please. (The camera goes out.) Day 4 (We see Brock and Claire back in their announcer booth.) BROCK PEARSON: Hello, sports fans. Welcome to Day 4 of Battle of the TV Slash Movie All-Stars. I’m Brock Pearson. CLAIRE WHEELER: And I’m Claire Wheeler. BROCK PEARSON: And as you can see, we’re back in our fully repaired and cleaned up announcer booth. CLAIRE WHEELER: And we have a great view of the crowd. Will you look at the number of people in this crowd, Lewis? If the Count were here, he’d be in counting Heaven. * * * * * * (We see the Count watching the stadium’s crowd on his portable TV while riding his bike.) COUNT: Look at all those wild and crazy sports fans! I could count them all! One, two, three! And they said it was a bad idea for me to take a TV with me while riding! This is one wonderful idea! HA HA HA! (Count was so busy watching TV while riding, that he doesn’t notice that he’s riding into a street with speeding cars on it. He rides right through it, causing all the cars to swerve and crash.) COUNT: Sounds like a bunch of reckless drivers! Oh I wish I could’ve counted their mistakes! But I’m too busy counting all the sports fans on my little TV. Oh well! Four, five, six…..! * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: Just look at this crowd, Claire. It looks like they’re all having a good time eating snacks, being with their loved ones, and showing their support for their fans! (The camera shows four guys pulling off their shirts and showing off the letters painted on their stomachs, spelling out the word, ALL HAIL.) BROCK PEARSON: Obviously, those fans are rooting for the lemur team. CLAIRE WHEELER: Think again! (Six more guys come in and stand next to the guys spelling ALL HAIL and they had letters painted on their stomachs too. And together, they spelled out, PHINEAS.) BROCK PEARSON: Poor lemurs! CLAIRE WHEELER: Wait! Look again! (A whole bunch of more guys come in from the other side with letters on their stomachs. And all together, they spelled, ALL HAIL PHINEAS AND FERB’S MOST WANTED SESAME HOME FOR SPONGEBOB. A lot of those guys look at what they spelled and started arguing and fighting with each other.) BROCK PEARSON: Whoa! One rule about being a sports fan is to watch where you sit and spell. CLAIRE WHEELER: But it looks like those guys over there have mastered the art of fan spelling. (We see some actual Sesame Street letters jumping up and down on their seats spelling out, SESAME STREET.) CLAIRE WHEELER: That Sesame team always seems to have the best luck with letters. BROCK PEARSON: And look in the bottom row, two elderly gentlemen are starting up a message with only two letters. (We see Waldorf and Statler dancing around topless with the letters PU on their wrinkly old stomachs.) CLAIRE WHEELER(covering his eyes): Eyeww! And I thought I’d see enough torture in this job! BROCK PEARSON: And it looks like some fans in the top row are starting to do the wave! (Suddenly, a huge tidal wave splashes on the fans in the lower rows getting them all wet. Up in the top row, we see a bunch of fish, lobsters, octopuses, sharks, and whales splashing around in huge tanks.) CLAIRE WHEELER: I sure am glad we’re back in our safe booth instead of out there. (A shark suddenly enters the booth.) A SHOCKED CLAIRE WHEELER: What are you doing in here?! SHARK: My family sent me out to get some snacks. (The shark takes a bite out of Claire’s arm and drags him out of the booth.) CLAIRE WHEELER: WOAH! YEOW! BROCK! DO SOMETHING! BROCK PEARSON: Uh, quick, turn that camera over to me! Nothing serious here folks, our friendly Newsman is just going fishing. Heh heh! Now let’s get to our next event of the day. Reporting at the scene is all the way from King Neptune’s palace, Princess Mindy. * * * * * * SWIMMING * * * * * * (We see Princess Mindy standing next to a pool.) MINDY: Thank you, Brock! Hi all you sports fans. I’m Princess Mindy reporting live from this pool where the 200 meter swim is about to start. Yes, the weather is hot, the water looks inviting, and this mermaid is feeling hot herself! (Princess Mindy shows off her sexy body while all the male fans start to gaze at her and drool. Also, Waldorf and Statler were gazing while shocking each other with electric paddles trying to keep each other alive.) MINDY: Oh, look. Here come our strong and handsome athletes rushing to the starting line. Oops! I didn’t mean rush, I meant slowly walking to the starting line. Remember kids, no running when you’re around a pool. Anyway, here are our swimmers. Representing the SpongeBob team is Mermaid Man. Playing for the lemur team is Pancho. Playing for the Phineas and Ferb team is team captain Phineas. Playing for the Foster’s Team is Bloo. Swimming for the Muppet team is Walter. But I don’t see the swimmer for the Sesame Street team. Where can this person be? REFEREE: I’ll give the Sesame swimmer 5 minutes to show up and if he or she doesn’t appear, the Sesame team will forfeit. MINDY: Ooooh! Something to keep the fans glued to their seats. How exciting! Will this mystery missing swimmer show up or will the Sesame team lose by default? We’ll see in about 5 minutes. * * * * * * (In the Sesame team’s locker room, we see Ernie wandering around calling out for Bert.) ERNIE: Bert, where are you? Your event is about to start! Oh, there you are! (Ernie rushes over to a locker and sees Bert’s eyes peeking out of the locker holes.) BERT: Ernie, I am not going out there! I feel ridiculous! ERNIE: Come on, Bert. It’s not the swim ware I picked out for you, is it? BERT: To be honest, YEEEEESSSSS! You’re always putting me in such humiliating clothing! Like that princess costume, the caterpillar suit, and that Cupid suit. But this! I don’t have a word for how demeaning this is! ERNIE: Aw, come on Bert! Show the world all of you! (Ernie opens up the locker, grabs Bert’s arm, and pulls him out. We see Bert dressed in only a green Speedo.) BERT: Look at me, Ernie! I feel almost naked in this thing! ERNIE: But I think you look so sporty in that Speedo, Bert. And I must say, those oatmeal diets of yours are sure paying off. KEE HEE HEE HEE! (Bert rushes back into his locker.) ERNIE: Aw, come on, Bert. Remember, you’re swimming for our Sesame Street team! You don’t want to let your friends and teammates and fans down by not going out there, do you? BERT: It’s not just the Speedo, Ernie. Also have you seen my competition?! I’m gonna be swimming against a Muppet, superhero, a blue imaginary friend, a human boy, and a lemur! Those five are natural born swimmers. There’s no way I can win against them! (Just then, a baby resembling Bert wearing a small life jacket waddles into the locker room.) BABY: Goo goo gaga, Unca Bert? BERT(cracking open the locker door): It’s my little nephew, Brad. What’s he doing here? ERNIE: His parents brought him over. And they asked me if you would help them and little Brad too. BERT: Really, how? ERNIE: From what his folks had told me, they want to sign Brad up for swimming lessons, but poor Brad is afraid to get into a pool. BRAD: No pool! No pool! Scary! ERNIE: They were hoping if he sees his brave and gallant Uncle Bert out there swimming and hopefully winning, it will give Brad the courage to give swimming a chance. (Bert slowly steps out of his locker and looks at Brad with a worried face.) BRAD: No swim! Swimming scary? BERT(hugging his nephew): Oh, Brad. There’s no need to be afraid of swimming. Once you learn how, swimming can be a lot of fun and refreshing. Tell you what, why don’t you watch me swim in today’s race and you can see how wonderful and exciting it can be? BRAD: Goo goo gaga? A SMILING BERT: Trust your Uncle Bert, kiddo! ERNIE: Yay, Bert! I knew you had it in you! BERT(whispering so Brad can’t hear): Ernie, I’m still not sure about this. What if I end up losing? That might make Brad want to swim even less. ERNIE: Don’t worry, Bert. Just tell yourself, you’re gonna win this race for your dear nephew, Brad. Think Eye of the Tiger! BERT: Eye of the Tiger? That’s absurd! ERNIE: All right, then. How about, Eye of the Pigeon? BERT: Eye of the Pigeon? Yes, that can work. Hand me my nose plug, Ern. Bert’s gonna swim! (Ernie places a nose plug around Bert’s face and Bert marches out of the locker room while Ernie holds Brad.) ERNIE: Did you hear that, Brad? Your Uncle Bert’s gonna show you how to be a grade-A swim champion. BRAD: Unca Bert! Unca Bert! Goo goo goo! ERNIE: Don’t you mean, go go go? * * * * * REFEREE: One minute to go! MINDY: Oh, this is not looking good for the Sesame team. If their swimmer doesn’t show up soon, it’s a total forfeit! BERT’S VOICE: There’ll be no forfeit for my team today! (Everyone turns around and finds Bert marching to the pool.) MINDY: Look! It’s one of the team captains of the Sesame team! It’s Bert, marching to the startling line, looking very manly! (The crowd starts cheering as some girls wave to Bert, blowing him kisses.) BERT(flexing his muscles): Hey, maybe this Speedo isn’t so bad after all. Eh, eh, eh, eh! STATLER: Hey Waldorf, would you ever wear one of those Speedos? WALDORF: I’m wearing one right now. A white super absorbent one! MINDY: Now all six swimmers are at the starting line waiting to show off their wonderful water works! REFEREE: Swimmers, on your mark, get set, BANG! MINDY: And they’re off! It looks like Phineas has taken a lead, with Pancho, Walter, SpongeBob, and Bloo, swimming in second, and it looks like poor Bert is not only the last to appear at the starting line, but he seems to be in last place. Oh! I can just watch these swimming hunks all day! (Walter starts to swim over to Mindy.) WALTER: Well how about you watch this swimming hunk up close? MINDY: Well, uh… WALTER: Yes, I know you’re speechless. It’s not every day a cute mermaid like yourself can be in the presence of a huge Muppet fan like myself! MINDY: Shouldn’t you be getting back to the race? You’ve just moved down to last place. WALTER: Oh boy! I guess I’d better get back to swimming. (Then Walter takes out a damp piece of paper and starts writing something on it and hands it to Mindy.) WALTER: Here’s my number. Maybe later tonight, we can come back to my place and we can share a hot tub together. MINDY: Are you sure boiling in hot water is good for Muppet fans like you? WALTER: Just as long as I’m not breaded, I’ll be fine. See you around my little cutie ! (Walter starts swimming again while Mindy looks nervously at the damp paper. But then the phone number gets washed off and Mindy sighs of relief.) MINDY(Looking up at the sky): Thank you Lord! (Then looks back at the pool.) MINDY: Our swimmers have just reached the other end of the pool and are swimming back. And it looks like Mermaid Man, Phineas, and Pancho have taken the lead while Bloo, Bert and Walter are trying to catch up. Just what’s going through these swimmer’s minds as they’re thriving to win? BERT: Eye of the Pigeon! Eye of the Pigeon! PHINEAS: Spherical laps! How cool is that? PANCHO: I’m in the water here! I’m in the water! MERMAID MAN: To the finish line... AWAY! BLOO: Win one for the Kipper! A nice tasty delicious kipper! (Bloo starts to slow down.) WALTER: Oh, that mermaid sure is hot! One real hottie! (Walter starts to slow down as well.) MINDY: It looks like Bloo, Pancho, and Walter have slowed down and are just bobbing in the water, deep in thought. Now it looks like it’s just Phineas, Mermaid Man and Bert approaching the finish. Who will turn out victorious? BERT: Who am I kidding?! There’s no way I can beat them! Wait a minute, Brad believes in me. If I give up, I’ll let him down and Brad may not ever want to swim! Kick those legs and move those arms Bert! I’ll show Ernie my arms aren’t that floppy-soggy! (Bert starts spinning his arms like boat paddles and takes off like a bullet.) MINDY: Wait a minute, it looks like someone shot a torpedo into the pool! No, wait. It is Bert swimming at lightning speed! And he’s catching up with Walter and Phineas! Both swimmers have crossed the finish line together. It looks like this’ll be a photo finish. (We see the camera from Elmo’s World: Cameras approach Mindy and start taking pictures of her.) MINDY: Oh please. I don’t really need to do any photo shoots right now! I just need the winner of this race.) CAMERA: Sorry, you always seem to have some cosmic control over us lowly cameras. Here you go! (The camera ejects a picture from her mouth and Mindy takes it.) MINDY: And it looks like Bert wins by his unusually pointy head! The Sesame Street team wins! (The crowd starts cheering as well as the Sesame team.) ERNIE: That’s my old buddy Bert! Did you see that Brad? Your uncle won! Uh, Brad? Where’d you go? (Bert waves to the crowd while drinking a bottle of Oatmeal-ade. Then Spamela approaches him.) MINDY: Excuse me, Bert. You gave your fans quite a lot of suspense. First almost showing up late, and then appearing to be in last place, but then catching up in a sudden burst of energy. Tell me, what drove you to win? BERT BLUSHING: Well, Mindy, Eh eh eh eh! I couldn’t’ve done all of this in the first place without the encouragement of my dear little nephew, Brad. I hope seeing me win will show Brad that swimming can be fun. (Bert turns his head around and finds Brad splashing around in the shallow end of the pool.) BERT(bursting with pride): Brad, you’re in the pool! Oh, I’m so proud of you! BRAD(Goo goo goo!): Brad climbs out of the pool and waddles over to Bert. BERT: Yes Brad, come and give your Uncle Bert a loving hug! (Bert holds out his arms and waits for Brad. But Brad just waddles past him.) A PUZZLED BERT: Brad?(Bert looks over and sees Brad in Mindy’s arms.) MINDY: Oh, you’re such a cutie! BRAD: Goo goo ga! (And he starts nuzzling his pointy head against Mindya’s neck.) A GRUMPY BERT: He’s hit puberty way too early! (Walter rises his head out of water and becomes shocked seeing Brad and Mindy together.) WALTER: If only I were a young prince back in Smalltown High again! MINDY: This is Princess Mindy bringing you back to Brock and Claire. Say goodbye, sweetie! (Mindy points her microphone to Brad’s mouth. And Brad just spits in it. The entire crowd goes, “AAAAWWWWWW!”) * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: What a cute way to end a spectacular swim meet! And it looks like the Sesame team will get a point on the scoreboard as well. Phil, what’s the scoring so far? * * * * * * (We see Phil at the scoreboard taking out one of his cords and twirling them around making cat’s whiskers.) BROCK PEARSON: Phil, the scoring sometime today please? A BLUSHING PHIL: Oh, right! Why can’t I stop these bad personal habits? (Phil turns down a knob on his head causing the blushing to cease, then untangles his cord and plugs it into the Sesame Street section giving them 1 point.) PHIL: Well, Brock. It looks like now the Sesame, Phineas, and the Foster’s teams are all tied with one point each, while the Muppet, lemur, and SpongeBob teams are in last place with zero. Back to you, Lewis. * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: And there you have the scoring. Will the Muppet, SpongeBob, or lemur team get out of last place and catch up? And will I ever see my co-anchor, Claire, again? Stay tuned for Day 5 of the Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. (Claire Wheeler crawls back in all beaten up with her clothes all torn.) BROCK PEARSON: Newsie! You’ve escaped those hungry sharks! How’d you do it? CLAIRE WHEELER(panting): I’m just lucky one of the nearby vendors was selling fish fries. Sharks much prefer fish to humans. BROCK PEARSON: Well, it’s good to have you back at my side. CLAIRE WHEELER: Thank you. And it’s good that I didn’t get eaten after all. (Then a huge crocodile known as the Crocodile Ambassador barges into the announcer box.) CROCODILE AMBASSADOR: Tenderized monster! My favorite! CLAIRE WHEELER: OH NO! (The Crocodile Ambassador grabs Claire and swallows him whole. Then the Crocodile Ambassador looks at the shaking Brock.) CROCODILE AMBASSADOR: This is a mighty fine snack bar you have here, sir. (He hands Brock Pearson five bucks and walks out the door.) BROCK PEARSON: Snack bar?! Wait a minute! (Brock Pearson steps out the door and sees the words, SNACK BAR, painted over the entrance of the announcer box. Then he sees some punk kids holding a paintbrush and paintbucket while giggling.) BROCK PEARSON: You punk kids! When I get my hands on you….! (The kids run away and as Brock Pearson was about to reach out his hands, he saw the money in one of them.) BROCK PEARSON: Hey, five bucks! I think I’ll go get me some nachos. I hope those punks didn’t paint, announcer booth, over the snack bar door. Heh heh! You want anything, Claire? (We see the Crocodile Ambassador hanging out in the hall while the shape of Claire’s head forms in his stomach.) CLAIRE WHEELER: If you would, see if they have any castor oil! Lots and lots of it! (Camera goes off.) Day 5 (REVISED) (We see Brock Pearson and Claire Wheeler in the announcer box.) BROCK PEARSON: Welcome back, sports fans, to Day 5 of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. I am Lewis Kazagger. CLAIRE WHEELER: And I’m Calire Wheeler. Uh oh! I think I feel a sniffle coming on! (She notices she doesn’t have a nose.) I don’t even have a nose! BROCK PEARSON: Must you do that on live TV, Claire?! Where’s your spray? CLAIRE WHEELER: Do you know how expensive the pharmacy is?! I needed the money to buy this new gold sports casting jacket! The last one I bought went out of style since yesterday! And rumor has it that this jacket will go out of style in a few minutes! Which is why I need to start saving! BROCK PEARSON(sighing): Well sports fans. If you tuned in to our last few days, you’ll know that the Phineas, Foster’s, and Sesame Street teams are now tied with one point each. While the Muppet team is the only one in last place with a big zilcho. CLAIRE WHEELER: Zilcho? I hope that’s not contagious. BROCK PEARSON: Just keep blowing your nose. Anyway, let’s get an update about the cross country bicycle race from our Monster on the Spot, Telly. * * * * * * (We see Telly in reporting from the branches of a tall tree.) * * * * * * TELLY: Thank you, Brock. This is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, giving you an update on the bike race. Our bikers have just left the city and are pedaling through the country with the Count leading, Baljeet in second, Squidward in third, Beaker in fourth, Mr. Herriman in fifth, and Willie bringing up the rear. And what a nice day to be riding through the country too! Jut look at that beautiful field of flowers. COUNT: What lovely flowers! There’s nothing like stopping to count the flowers! (Count pulls over to the flower field while the others pass him.) COUNT: One flower, two flowers, three flowers, four fancy frilly flowers…. TELLY: I don’t believe this! Just a second ago, The Count was holding the lead, now he’s in last place counting the flowers?! COUNT: 15 daffodils, 12 bluebells, 10 roses, and 25 daisies! HA HA HA! I can just count these flowers all day! HA HA HA AAH AAAAH! Oh no, I forgot! Flowers make me sneeze! AAAAAH! Especially a whole field of them! AAAAH! CHOOOO! (The powerful sneeze causes Count to zoom backwards on his bike catching up with the other bikers.) TELLY: Wow! Who would’ve thought an allergy would end up helping out an athlete?! This is Telly, your Monster of the Spot, bringing you back to Brock. * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: Thank you again Telly for another exciting bike update. Now, we’ll see if the Muppet, SpongeBob, or lemur team can catch up in today’s event. And reporting live at the scene is everyone’s favorite avian reporter, Xixi the Toucan. * * * * * * DEEP FRY POLE VAULT * * * * * * XIXI: Thanks Brock. Good day, everyone! Xixi here, reporting live from the deep fry pole vaulting event. In about a few minutes, our athletes will show off their jumping skills and try to reach new heights to win. And speaking of jumping, there’s the Team Captain of the Muppets, Kermit the Frog, in his dugout. * * * * * * (We see Kermit in the dugout, polishing up a huge metal pole.) GONZO: Hey, Kermit. That’s a really fancy pole you got there. KERMIT: Thank’s Gonzo. This was the same pole I used when I was a track star back in swamp school. FOZZIE: Wow, Kermit. I didn’t know you were an athletic star back then! KERMIT: Of course, you didn’t think I had a stunt double doing all my stunts when we did all those movies, did you? FOZZIE: Oh yeah, (Flashing back to the fight in the El Sleazo Café when filming The Muppet Movie.) No wonder why I was in so much pain after that shooting. I didn’t have a stunt double either! GONZO: Stunt doubles are for lazy slackers! A true actor does his own stunts and takes the pain along with it. (Robin hops over to Kermit carrying a water bottle) ROBIN: Here you go, Uncle Kermit. Some water for you! KERMIT: Oh, thank you Robin. You’re a good water-frog. (Kermit takes a sip of the bottle and smiles.) KERMIT: Hey, algae water mixed with dragonfly wings! Just like back home.) ROBIN: I thought you’d like that. Everyone back home in the swamp is watching you on TV. They’re counting on you to win the pole vault in the name of frog-dom. KERMIT: Don’t worry, Robin. I plan to win this event. And nothing will stop me from doing my best! (Just then, the big screen TV on the top of the announcer booth turns on and we see Claire Wheeler.) CLAIRE WHEELER: Just a reminder to all of you that one of the sponsors of this great sports show is Doc Hopper’s French Fried Frog Legs. A HORRIFIED KERMIT: DOC HOPPER?!!! FOZZIE: I thought we heard the last of him! CLAIRE WHEELER: That’s right. If you want to enjoy some golden spicy frog legs with a green shake and tater tadpoles, hop on down to Doc Hopper’s. A HORRIFIED ROBIN: TATER TADPOLES?!!! CLAIRE WHEELER: And don’t forget about the contest Doc Hopper’s is holding. Whenever you buy a food item, you’ll receive a game card. Rub off the coating and you’ll find the name of a team and an event. And if the team on your card wins that event, you’ll win a free jumbo bucket of delicious frog legs! A HORRIFIED KERMIT: OH NO! (Just then, Kermit hears a voice in the bottom row of the crowd. He looks up and sees an orange colored guy holding a card.) ORANGE GUY: Hey, it says here if The Muppet team wins the pole vault, I’ll win me some free frog legs! KERMIT: That’s my event! If I win, that guy will get free frog legs because of me! This is horrible! PIGGY: Kermie, are you okay? KERMIT: I don’t think I’ll ever be if I win! * * * * * * XIXI: And now here’s our first jumper! Playing for the Foster’s team is Wilt. (Wilt comes up to the field holding a pole, while all the Foster’s teammates in their dugout start to cheer.) BLOO: Yay, Wilt! You can do it, Wilt! (Wilt starts to run then vaults over the crossbar and lands on a soft blue mattress.) XIXI: Pretty good! The judges informed me Wilt has jumped eight feet. (The Foster’s team starts to cheer for Wilt.) BLOO: YAY, WILT! YOU VAULT SO TRUE! * * * * * * (Back at The Muppets dugout) FOZZIE: Wow, that imaginary red guy can jump pretty good. PIGGY: But not as good as Kermie, I bet. A WORRIED KERMIT: I wish Piggy wouldn’t encourage me to win. I sure hope the other jumpers will be a lot better than me so that guy won’t be eating frog legs tonight! * * * * * * XIXI: Now vaulting for the lemur team is team captain King Julien. Lemur’s are from Madagascar in case any of you are interested. MAURICE: Win this for Billy Bob the Lemur! (King Julien grabs the pole and starts to bounce around like a ball. Then he rushes over to the crossbar, sticks the pole into the hole, but instead of jumping, he climbs on top of it and starts swinging around on it.) KING JULIEN: FOR BILLY BOB THE LEMUR! XIXI: What’s King Julien doing?! He’s isn’t jumping, he’s just swinging around on it. Now he’s jumping up and down on it like a pogo-stick! Where does he think he’s at, a French Canadian circus? * * * * * * (In the lemur dugout) MORT: What’s King Julien doing? Doesn’t he know he’s supposed to jump over that bar? CLOVER: You know King Julien. He likes to have wild and harmless fun whatever he does. MAURICE: It’s not harmless if he loses us this event! * * * * * * XIXI: This is totally warped! All that King Julien seems to be doing is bouncing on that pole and he seems to be going higher and higher. Now, he’s letting go of the pole, leaping over the bar, and landing on the mattress! KING JULIEN: Ta da! XIXI(touching his earpiece): Hold it, our judges just informed me that King Julien has jumped 12 feet. Putting the lemur team ahead of the Foster’s team! (The lemur team starts to cheer.) XIXI: So, King Julien. That was some extreme athletics you just pulled. Can you tell your fans your motivation for all that? KING JULIEN: I’ve had experience in competitive tramping back in Madagascar. I had a partner named Leonard whom I thought have gone to the Frank-ri-las when I did my signature flip too hard during nationals, making me not want to competitive tramp again. But on the 64th Annual Every-So-Often Jungle Games, I realized that I had to put the past and my fear of hurting peoples with my competitive tramping behind me and focused on what I like to locomote best so I can win the games: jumping. XIXI: Strong words. Strong, lemur words! Tell me, you wouldn’t be related to the Muppets, would you? * * * * * * GONZO: Those were pretty cool moves that lemur has! I wonder if he likes getting shot out of a cannon? PIGGY: That’s nothing! My frog will vault higher than all those amateurs put together! KERMIT: I don’t know. * * * * * * XIXI: And now for our next jumper! Playing for the Phineas team is Vanessa. (Vanessa comes up to the field holding a pole, while all the Phineas teammates in their dugout start to cheer.) FERB: Go, Vanessa! (Vanessa starts to run then vaults over the crossbar and lands on the blue mattress.) XIXI: Not bad! Looks like Vanessa has jumped six feet. (The Phineas team starts to cheer for Vanessa, with Ferb’s eyes have hearts.) FERB: YAY, VANESSA! YOU VAULT AND MY LOVE IS SO TRUE! PHINEAS: Ferb, I know you like Vanessa so much, but I think you need to take those stickers out of your eyes. It is bad for them. FERB: Oh, sorry! (Ferb peels off the heart stickers from his eyes and starts to rub them.) Is it just me or do my eyes look like that blue imaginary friend’s? * * * * * * (Back at The Muppets dugout) WALTER: Wow, Vanessa can jump terrific. PIGGY: But still not as good as Kermie. A WORRIED KERMIT: I can only hope Piggy didn’t say that I can win this event. I wish the other jumpers wouldn’t be as better than I am if I stop think about frog legs! * * * * * * XIXI: Now vaulting for the SpongeBob team is Patrick Star. SPONGEBOB: Win this because we told you to! (Patrick grabs the pole and rushes over to the crossbar, sticks the pole into the hole, and starts jumping over it.) PATRICK: BECAUSE THEY TOLD ME TO! (Patrick lands on the handle of the deep fryer, flinging it at the crowd and turning them into fish sticks. A vendor walks up and turns on a heat lamp.) VENDOR: Fish sticks! Get your fish sticks here! * * * * * * (In the SpongeBob dugout) SQUIDWARD: What’s going on? Doesn’t he know he’s supposed to land on that deep fryer? SPONGEBOB: Remember when he pulled off a stunt like that during the Fry Cook Games? SANDY: I hope we didn’t turn into fish sticks. * * * * * * XIXI(touching his earpiece): Wait a minute, our judges just informed me that Patrick has jumped 10 feet! (The SpongeBob team starts to cheer.) XIXI: Thank goodness that fry didn’t splatter all over me or I would become fried sesame chicken. (A brown chicken from Sesame Street approaches Xixi.) BROWN CHICKEN: Bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk! XIXI: No offense, ma’am. BROWN CHICKEN: Bawk bawk bawk. * * * * * * SAM: Did you see the way that starfish landed on that deep fry? How appalling? PIGGY: Wait until you see my frog vaulting higher than than all the other bozos! A DEPRESSED KERMIT: I’m sorry, everyone. I just can’t jump! EVERYONE: YOU WHAT??!!! PIGGY: Kermie, you’re giving up?! FOZZIE: But Kermit. You have to jump and win this event! So far, we’re the only team that hasn’t scored yet! KERMIT: And it’s probably a good thing that we don’t! So far, no one has won any free frog legs because of us! See ya’ around! (Kermit leaves the gang and heads for the locker room.) PIGGY: Kermie?!! FOZZIE: That’s right. If we win any events, Kermit’s frog friends will pay. GONZO: How much money do frogs carry? EVERYONE: GONZO!!! (Gonzo ducks his head down his sweatshirt in embarrassment.) ROBIN: I’ll go talk to him. (Robin hops into the locker room after his uncle while the others watch with worried faces.) * * * * * * XIXI: Now jumping for the Sesame team is The Cookie Monster. Is that his first name, The? (We see Cookie Monster holding a long pole while Gonger is next to him.) COOKIE: Oh, me want cookie now! Me hungry for cookie! GONGER: No, Cookie. First you jump and then you can have a cookie. It’s not a good idea for athletes to eat sweets before an event. COOKIE: Oh, all right! Me wonder if Bruce Jenner had to deal with stuff like this! (Cookie starts to run up to the crossbar while holding his pole.) COOKIE: Me sure want cookie! No wait. Me get mind on something else. Like the pole vault. Yes, this shiny pole. It looks so long and crunchy like peppermint stick! Mmmmm! Delicious, minty, peppermint stick! (Without thinking, Cookie continues running while chomping on the pole making it smaller.) XIXI: Wait a minute! The Cookie Monster’s pole seems to be getting smaller. He seems to be eating it! I’ve heard of eating Polish food, but this is ridiculous! * * * * * * BERT: What’s he doing?! He’s making his pole smaller! ERNIE: I told you we should’ve let him have his cookie before the jump! * * * * * * (Cookie was about to plant his pole into the hole, but then discovered he had eaten it into a small 5 inch pole.) COOKIE: Uh oh! Me lost control again! Oh well. Me make the best of cute little economy sized pole. (Cookie places the tiny pole into the hole and just plops onto the mattress like it was a bed.) XIXI: How disappointing! Cookie has only jumped 1 foot from the ground and onto the mattress. The poor monster must be devastated! (Instead, we see Cookie Monster sleeping on the mattress snoring, “COOKIES!”) * * * * * * (In the Muppet locker room, we see a sad Kermit opening up his locker and stuffing a bunch of his green spiky collars into his duffle bag.) KERMIT: I wish there was some other way! ROBIN(rushing in): There is another way! You can jump and at least try to win for your team and your friends and for your fans! KERMIT: But Robin, didn’t you see those Doc Hopper ads earlier? If I win the pole vault, some of our relatives will lose their legs! ROBIN: Our team isn’t the only name on those game cards! If the other teams win these events, people win free frog legs either way! KERMIT: Yes, that’s right! I can’t believe we agreed to do all of this without learning about Doc Hopper! ROBIN: Look Uncle Kermit. Our friends and family back home are counting on you to try your best! They know how much you despise Doc Hopper. We all do! But if you just give up now, that awful Doc Hopper Corporation will win and we frogs will look like total losers! KERMIT: We will?! ROBIN: Yeah, you know. I bet old Doc Hopper started up this contest just to get revenge on you! Thinking all this will force you to look like a quitter to the entire world. And so he won’t have to give out any free frog legs if the Muppet team loses. KERMIT: Gee! I never thought about it that way, but still…. (Robin picks up Kermit’s pole) ROBIN: If you’re not gonna compete, then I will! (Kermit watches as the tiny frog tries to lug the heavy pole out of the locker room.) ROBIN: Gotta win for Uncle Kermit and for our family back home! Boy, this pole is heavy! (Robin then feels the pole get yanked away from him. He looks up and sees Kermit holding the pole with a determined look on his face.) KERMIT: Thank you, Robin! You’ve given me the courage to go through with this. (He pats his nephew’s head and rushes out the door.) ROBIN(with a tear in his eye): That’s my Uncle Kermit. * * * * * * XIXI: For some reason, Kermit, who’s supposed to be jumping for the Muppets team, hasn’t shown up yet! If he doesn’t get his little green butt out here, the Muppets team will forfeit! * * * * * * FOZZIE: So much for having our faces posted on cereal boxes! GONZO: I can’t even get my whole face on one! (Gonzo looks at a box of Wheaties with a picture of him on it with his nose cut off at the side.) PIGGY: Look, it’s Kermie! (The Muppets watch and see Kermit marching out the dugout while holding his pole in silence.) WALTER: He’s going to jump! CONSTANTINE: I should have known Kyermit was no chicken! GONZO: And what’s wrong with chickens! * * * * * * XIXI: Look, there’s Kermit now! And it looks like he’s running, no, make that hopping at lightning speed! Whoa! Look at those frog legs go! KERMIT: There’s no way these frog legs will get into the greasy hands of Doc Hopper! (Kermit plants his pole and makes the biggest jump of all!) XIXI: Whoa! Whoa! It looks like Kermit has jumped a really high 16 feet! Man, I haven’t seen this much bouncing since I cashed in all my paychecks from my first job! I can definitely say that Kermit the Frog is the winner! * * * * * * (The Muppet team cheers while jumping up and down!) PIGGY: Oh, I am so proud of moi’s frog! ROBIN: Way to go, Uncle Kermit! * * * * * * (Xixi rushes over the panting frog.) XIXI: So, Kermit! That was some wild jumping act you just pulled out there! Tell us! What was your motivation to win?” KERMIT: Well Xixi, to tell you the truth, at first I almost thought about forfeiting for personal reasons, but then after a strong pep talk from my loving nephew, Robin. It gave me the courage to jump and win for him, my team, and for all my friends and family! (Kermit then looks over to the same orange guy holding the winning card.) KERMIT: Excuse me for a minute, please! (He leaves Clifford and hops up to the guy.) ORANGE GUY: Hey, Kermit! That was an awesome jump you just made! Congrats! KERMIT: Thanks. I just hope you realize what I let you win and what the consequences will be for some certain amphibians. ORANGE GUY(looking at his card): You mean this? Oh no. I don’t want to eat any frog legs. I’m a vegetarian. A RELIEVED KERMIT: You are? ORANGE GUY: Yes, I only found this card under my seat and I was curious to know which team was on it and what event. I have no intention of cashing this in. You can have it if you’d like. (He hands the card to Kermit.) KERMIT: Thank you, you’re a saint! (Kermit takes out a photo of himself, writes his autograph on it, and hands it to the guy. Then hops back down into his dugout.) ROBIN: Hey, congratulations Uncle Kermit. You did it! KERMIT: All thanks to you, Robin. I won and no relatives of ours will have to pay with their legs, for now. (Kermit looks at the winning card and tears it up.) FOZZIE: But what if we win other events? (But before Kermit could answer, the Muppet Newsman comes onto the big screen.) NEWSMAN: Here’s a Muppet News Flash! It was just reported that a health inspector discovered some disturbing scenes in a local Doc Hopper’s restaurant! It turns out the corporation had not only been cooking up frog legs, but have also been using other animal parts disguised as frog legs. Mainly the six legged kind! Because of this, the board of health has shut down all Doc Hopper’s restaurants everywhere and all those game cards have become null and void! KERMIT: YAHOOOO! Did you hear that everyone?! No more Doc Hopper and no more French Fried Frog Legs! Now I got my winning spirit back for good! How about all of you?! THE ENTIRE MUPPETS TEAM: KERMIT! KERMIT! KERMIT! KERMIT! * * * * * * (We see Waldorf and Statler holding a bunch of game cards with disappointed looks.) STATLER: Oh great! These Doc Hopper cards have now become useless! What’ll we do with them now? WALDORF: Have a paper cut fight? STATLER: Sounds fun! (And the two old men start to have a sword fight with their cards while laughing out loud.) * * * * * * XIXI: And there you have it. The pole vault with the Muppets team bringing home the win. This is Xixi bringing you back to Brock and Claire! (Suddenly, the fry grease landed on Xixi, turning her into fried sesame chicken. The vendor returns.) VENDOR: Fried sesame chicken! Get your fried sesame chicken! (The brown chicken returns.) BROWN CHICKEN: Bawk bawk bawk! * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: Thank you, Xixi. Yes, we’ve seen yet another spectacular sport. Phil, what’s the scoring now? * * * * * * (We see Phil eating a plate of spaghetti, but then accidentally eating one of Stats’ cords causing Stats to short circuit!) PHIL: Oops! (He takes the cord from his mouth and plugs it into the Muppet section of the scoreboard.) Well Brock. Thanks to that win from Kermit. It looks like the Sesame, Muppet, Foster’s and Phineas teams are tied with one point each, with the SpongeBob and lemur team behind! Back to you, Brock! * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: Thank you, Phil! Well, with 4 teams tied for first place and two teams not. It looks like this could be anyone’s game! We’ll find out what happens in Day 6 of Battle of the TV Slash Movie All-Stars. This is Brock Pearson! CLAIRE WHEELER(covered in a mountain of tissue and speaking in a nasally voice): And dis is Leah Heelah signin’ off! BROCK PEARSON: Now do you feel silly for not buying your nasal spray?! CLAIRE WHEELER: Dot weally! Maybe I cad make a new coat with all dis tissoo! I could start up de next style! A DISGUSTED BROCK PEARSON: Shut off the camera before Old Navy catches this! (Camera goes off.) Day 6 BROCK PEARSON: Welcome back to Day 6 of Battle of the TV Slash Movie All-Stars. I am Brock Pearson. CLAIRE WHEELER: And I’m Claire Wheeler! Tell me, Brock. Does this crowd today seem all pumped up with excitement? (We see some people in the crowd pumping on tire pumps blowing up some of the other people in the crowd.) BROCK PEARSON: All of this excitement is because of the cheerleading squads each team has. Let’s listen to the Muppet cheerleading squad. * * * * * * (We see a bunch of penguins in cheerleading outfits holding pom-poms, shouting out this cheer.) PENGUINS: TMS, TMS, We’re the best, TMS, GOOOO CLASSICS!!! (The penguins start jumping up and down while throwing each other in the air.) * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: Just what is the Muppets’ obsession with penguins?! They seem to be everywhere! It’s getting pretty tiresome! (When Claire Wheeler wasn’t looking, a penguin sneaks up from under the desk and snatches Brock Pearson’s sandwich.) BROCK PEARSON: Hey, where’s my tuna fish sandwich? * * * * * * (Next, we see the Sesame girls, Zoe, Rosita, and Betty Lou, dressed in cheerleading uniforms and pom-poms cheering out for the Sesame team.) GIRLS: Winning ways, playing hard ev’ry day! Gotta say, we really come to play! We’re the best team you can get, you can bet on Sesame Street! 1-2-3, rolling to vic-to-ry! Come and see, our guys just can’t be beat! We’re the best team you can get, you can bet on Sesame Street! You can bet on Sesame Street! You can bet on Sesame Street! (The Sesame team starts to cheer along with the cheerleaders.) * * * * * * (Next, we see six cute little girl mice calling out their Big Blue House cheer.) MICE: GET ‘EM, GET ‘EM, GET ‘EM, GET EM, BIG BLUE HOUSE! GET ‘EM, GET ‘EM, GET ‘EM, GET ‘EM, BIG BLUE HOUSE! We’re all cheering with a grin, so our favorite team… will WIN!!! YAY!!! (The six mice get together and form a cute little pyramid.) * * * * * * STATLER: What a disappointment. I was hoping we’d see some hot looking twenty-something cheerleader babes in skimpy outfits. WALDORF: Remember, we’re married men. Let’s imagine our wives in skimpy cheerleading outfits. (The two old men do that and then start frowning.) WALDORF: UURK! BIG MISTAKE!!! STALTER: I’ll say! I’ve had three wives in my lifetime! Triple torture!!! * * * * * * (Finally, we see three lemur girls getting ready to do their cheer.) FRAGGLES: Fraggles Rock! You Rock Fraggles! Fraggles Rock! You Rock Fraggles! Dance your peers away! Let them win another daa-aay! Let the Fraggle’s win! Get down, the Fraggles Rock! FIRST LEMUR: Wait a minute, something’s not right. SECOND LEMUR: It’s Frieda. She doesn’t have any pom-poms! FRIEDA: Oops! Wait there’s some over there! (Frieda spies two green pom-poms, which are actually trees belonging to a little girl Rock Monster, sticking out of the dugout and rushes over to grab them.) GIRL ROCK MONSTER’S VOICE: OUCH! HEY, THAT’S MY HAIR! FRIEDA BLUSHING: Oops again! Sorry about that. (The girl Rock Monster just looks at Frieda with an annoyed face.) GIRL ROCK MONSTER: You can let go of my pigtails at any time, now! * * * * * * CLAIRE WHEELER: Aren’t they fabulous, folks? What do you think of those cheerleaders, Brock? BROCK PEARSON: Sorry, I was too busy looking for my tuna fish sandwich. Did you eat it? CLAIRE WHEELER: Of course not, I brought my own today. (Claire Wheeler looks at her plate and finds his sandwich gone as well.) BROCK PEARSON: Hey, my sandwich is gone too! And it was a chili pepper and Tabasco sauce sandwich! (Just then, the same penguin pops out from under the desk and smoke starts to blow out of his ears and fire comes out of his beak. Then the penguin starts to blast off like a rocket making a hole in the roof and blasting off into the sky.) CLAIRE WHEELER: I guess those chili peppers really packed some fire power. BROCK PEARSON: Where do you suppose that penguin will land? CLAIRE WHEELER: I’d say back at the South Pole where he’ll never eat any more hot food ever again. BROCK PEARSON: Well, back to the competition. Here comes today’s exciting event. Reporting live is our youngest reporter who is still in grade school, Prairie Dawn. * * * * * * MAZE RACE * * * * * * (We see Prairie Dawn standing right next to the entrance of a gray colored maze.) PRAIRIE: Hello everybody. This is Prairie Dawn, bringing you the next event, a race through this very complicated and perplexing maze where our smaller athletes will be competing. All my life, I have always had this problem being vertically challenged. And I can relate to small people who aren’t big enough to play sports like football or basketball. So I am happy that they have created a sport that is perfect for the little people. And here come our tiny troopers now. (Six small competitors approach the maze’s entrance.) PRAIRIE: Competing for the Muppet team is Rizzo the Rat, Sheldon J. Plankton for the SpongeBob team, Steve the Chameleon for the Phineas team, Mort for the lemur team, Jackie Khones for the Foster’s team, and Slimey the Worm for the Sesame Street team. If you kept up with the Sesame News, you will know that Slimey is an all around worm athlete, where he competed in both the Worm Winter and Summer Olympic games. Also this amazing worm actually went to the moon and made worm history. Now we get to see this worm wonder compete in the Mini Maze Race! OSCAR’S VOICE: Hold on a garbage picking minute here! PRAIRIE: Look, here comes Oscar the Grouch, Slimey’s coach and guardian. OSCAR: Listen up, Blondie! There’s some stuff I want to talk to you about before my worm races. (He hands some papers to Prairie.) PRAIRIE: What is all of this? OSCAR: Just some insurance policies you need to sign, saying that you’ll take full responsibility if my poor Slimey happens to get lost or injured during this event. PRAIRIE: I cannot sign this! I am just a reporter! You should really be talking to the people in charge of this event! OSCAR: I tried doing that, but they’re too snooty to talk to a grouch. So I’m coming to you. Either you sign this or Slimey doesn’t race! PRAIRIE: Oh, all right! Anything to get this race started! (Prairie signs the papers.) OSCAR: That’s better. Good luck, Slimey! (Slimey nods his head.) REFEREE: On your mark, get set, BANG! (The six tiny competitors charge into the maze.) PRAIRIE: And they are off! (Prairie runs over to the other side of the maze where a computer monitor resides.) We will be checking their progress on this monitor right here. (We see a computerized maze with four dots moving around it.) PRAIRIE: The brown dot represents Rizzo, the green dot is Jackie Khones, the tan dot is Mort, the blue dot is Plankton, the orange dot is Steve, and the yellow dot is Slimey. Who will be the first to come out of this perplexing maze filled with twists and turns? OSCAR: My Slimey, no doubt! * * * * * * (We see Rizzo wandering around the maze all by himself) RIZZO: Oh man, I never thought I’d be back in one of these evil things. It was bad enough in that science lab, AKA: prison! But luckily, I have a strategy. (Rizzo takes out a bag of marshmallows, eats one, and then drops each one behind him.) RIZZO: This marshmallow path I’m leaving behind will make it a lot easier to help me get out of this maze. Candyland, eat your heart out! (And he continues walking while dropping more marshmallows behind him. Just then, Slimey appears from a corner.) SLIMEY(in a squeaky voice): YAY! MARSHMALLOWS! (Slimey starts swallowing each marshmallow whole while moving on. * * * * * * (Elsewhere in the maze, we see Jackie Khones trying to find his way around.) JACKIE KHONES: Gee, this place is huge and complex. I’ll bet my imaginary friends would love to fit in a place like this. Yeah, that’s a good idea! (Jackie Khones takes out a blueprint and starts scribbling on it while walking.) * * * * * * (We see Mort wandering around the maze looking very nervous.) MORT: Oh, why did I volunteer for this event?! This maze is so big and scary! I think I might even get lost forever! OH, HOW HORRIBLE! SMALLER MORT #1: No wait! Get a hold of yourself, Mortimer. Remember what King Julien told you earlier… SMALLER MORT #2: I’ve been trying so hard, but the maze is so obstacle-y. SMALLER MORT #3: I’m famished. Who has a cinnamon roll? SMALLER MORT #4: King Julien will never love you again. SMALLER MORT #5: Oh no! I kept the movie playing right when I left. SMALLER MORT #6: No, I made it stop when the sporting events were starting. SMALLER MORT #7: Why were you elsewhere when we want to win the event? ALL SMALLER MORTS: (arguing indistinctly) MORT: Okay, I get it, you guys. We just need to cooperate. I just need to remember what King Julien told me. (A flashback happens and we see King Julien gives Mort a pep talk in the locker room.) MORT: King Julien. I’m so nervous about this maze race. What if I don’t win, and most important, what if I get lost forever?! I might never see you or my friends again! KING JULIEN: Relax, Mort. You won’t get lost. And if you do, the groundskeepers of this stadium will come in and help you get out that maze. MORT: Are you sure, King Julien? KING JULIEN: If you’d like, you don’t have to enter this event. Maybe Todd or somebody else on our team can fill in for you. MORT: No, King Julien. I really want to do this! This event is perfect for my size. Only I can fit in that maze. KING JULIEN: Okay, Mort, if you’re really sure about this. MORT: I am. I just hope I don’t lose and let everyone down. KING JULIEN: Listen Mort. We will be proud of you even if you don’t win, just as long as you try your best. And remember, sometimes you don’t have to come in first place to feel like a winner. MORT: What do you mean? KING JULIEN: Long story for me. But hey, maybe this’ll make you calmer during your race. (King Julien hands Mort a small bag.) (Flashback Ends) MORT: Oh yeah, King Julien’s bag! (Mort reaches into the tiny bag and pulls out another bag.) MORT: Wow, booty doodle! My King Julien knows how much I love these. This should make my maze race a much more happy one. Thanks King Julien! (Mort opens the bag, munches on a chip, and continues through the maze.) * * * * * * PRAIRIE(looking at the monitor): Just look at our athletes make their way through the maze. Oh look, it looks like Rizzo has reached another dead end. He may have to turn back once more. * * * * * * RIZZO: Oh, great! Another dead end! Oh well. Back to the marshmallow path I created. Hey, where are my mallows?! (Rizzo finds all the marshmallows gone.) * * * * * * (In another part of the maze, we see Slimey swallowing the last marshmallow while his skinny body starts to puff up.) * * * * * * RIZZO: So much for my marshmallow plan. Now, how am I gonna get out of this tangled Great Wall?! (Just then, a trap door opens up next to Rizzo and he sees another rat.) RIZZO: Bubba, is that you? BUBBA: Hey, Riz. How’s it hanging? RIZZO: I’d rather not be hanging around this place. How’d you get in here? BUBBA: Me and the other rats heard you got stuck in a maze. So we all dug you a tunnel so you can get out of here. RIZZO: You mean I can leave this maze right away and get my victory?! I’ll do it! Wait a minute. I remember what Kermit told all of us. (Rizzo sees a thought bubble with Kermit’s face in it.) KERMIT: Remember everyone. Cheaters never win! RIZZO: That’s right! Leaving the maze like this would be cheating! But wait. What if I suddenly misheard him? (He looks back at the thought bubble once again.) KERMIT: Remember everyone. Cheetahs never win! RIZZO(pretending to confused): Now why would a cheetah never win? They’re supposed to be the world’s fastest runners. And do I even look like a cheetah? Am I a cat? Do I have spots? BUBBA: Uh, Riz? What are you talking about? RIZZO: Aw, never mind. Show me the way to freedom, will ya’, old pal? BUBBA: Right this way! (Rizzo climbs down into the tunnel as he and Bubba close the trap door.) KERMIT IN THE THOUGHT BUBBLE: Lucky for him I’m only a thought in a bubble. Otherwise the real Kermit would probably kick his tiny butt! * * * * * * PRAIRIE: Oh dear! It looks like Rizzo’s blip on the monitor has gone out for some reason. Could he have left the maze? No, that is impossible! He has not even set foot out of the exit. Maybe the monitor has a glitch. Oh well. So far, it looks like Slimey is on his way to the exit. He might be the one who will win this maze race! OSCAR: That’s my worm! PRAIRIE: Wait a minute! It looks like Slimey has stopped. OSCAR: You’re kidding! PRAIRIE: I am afraid not, Oscar. Slimey’s blip seems to have stopped right here and it still isn’t moving. OSCAR: Maybe he’s just tying his shoes. I wouldn’t want my worm to trip on his own shoelaces. PRAIRIE: But worms do not have shoes or even feet! * * * * * * (We see Slimey stuck in the maze, all puffed up like a sausage. He was wriggling and trying to squeeze free with no luck.) * * * * * * (Prairie and Oscar both look at the monitor and saw that the orange blip was still not moving.) PRAIRIE: Wait a minute! It appears that Slimey’s blip seems to be struggling. OSCAR: Struggling?! PRAIRIE: Yes, Slimey seems to be stuck somehow. OSCAR: Oh, my poor worm! Somebody go in there and save him! I’m warning you, Dawn! If anything happens to Slimey, you’re gonna pay for his medical bills! PRAIRIE: Why me?!! OSCAR: Because you signed these papers! PRAIRIE(reading the insurance papers): You expect me to pay this much?! That’s my whole year’s allowance! * * * * * * (Back in the maze, we see Mort still wandering the maze while finishing his last booty doodle.) MORT: Yes, I feel a lot better now. That snack sure helped. (Just then, Mort heard a squeaky cry, “HELP ME!”) A NERVOUS MORT: Who-oooo’s there? (Mort turns a corner and sees a puffed up Slimey stuck in the maze.) You’re Slimey, aren’t you? What happened to you?! SLIMEY: SQUEAK, SQUEAK, SQUEAK, MARSHMALLOWS, SQUEAK, SQUEAK! MORT: You say you ate all these marshmallows and they all puffed up in your stomach causing you to expand and now you’re stuck in the maze?! (Slimey nods in sadness.) MORT: Don’t worry, Slimey. I’ll help you! (Mort tries to push Slimey out, but he wouldn’t budge.) Maybe if you were greased up, it’d be easier to push you. (Mort then looks at his empty potato chip bag, rubs the grease out of it, and spreads it all over Slimey.) MORT: Okay, Slimey. Now suck it in and I’ll push. One, two, THREE! Yes, it’s working! (Tutter continues to push the greased up Slimey forward into the maze.) * * * * * * PRAIRIE: Look, it seems like Slimey is moving again, but very slowly. And it looks like Mort is right behind him too. OSCAR: Yay, Slimey! I knew nothing can hold you back. Hurry up and beat that little rodent! * * * * * * MORT: Just one more push and you should be out of here! (Mort backs up, charges, and crashes into Slimey causing the worm to get shot out of the maze exit like a torpedo, and crashes into Plankton, making him cross the finish line and ends up landing next to Oscar’s feet.) OSCAR(picking up Plankton): You’re not Slimey! But you did win first place, though! Say, have you gained weight since I last saw you? PLANKTON: A certain worm helped me. OSCAR: WHAT?! (The SpongeBob team starts to cheer from their dugout while the SBSP cheerleaders start cheering.) PRAIRIE: Yes, it seems like Plankton was the first racer to come out of the maze, making him the winner of this event. And look, here comes Mort and Slimey coming out next, putting them in second and third place. (A tired Mort looks over at Oscar holding the happy worm.) MORT: Wow, King Julien was right. I don’t have to come in first place to feel like a winner. I helped out Slimey and it feels great! (Prairie approaches Plankton.) PRAIRIE: Wow, Plankton. At first you seemed to have stalled when you were approaching the finish. But you darted out of there like a loose cannon. You have won the event for your team and most importantly, prevented me from having to pay any insurance. What do you have to say to all your fans? SLIMEY: All I can say is that while my one eye was focusing on winning, the worm bumped into me sending me flying all the way to the finish line. PRAIRIE: And how did this happen? PLANKTON: This is quite interesting. I heard the worm says he somehow got stuck in the maze and couldn’t get through. But the mouse lemur came and helped him out by pushing him out of the maze and into first place. So I’m requesting that the judges award both me and Mort first place, for I couldn’t’ve had that win without the mouse lemur helping the worm. PRAIRIE(checking her earphone.) Yes, the judges are allowing Plankton’s request. So it looks like the winners of the maze race are both the SpongeBob team and the Lemur team! Let us congratulate both winners! (Both teams start to cheer for Plankton and Mort who were hugging each other while waving to the fans.) MORT: Thank you, Plankton. PLANKTON: No, thank you! SLIMEY: No, thank me! (Mort then looks over at King Julien who was giving him a proud paws-up.) (Slimey looks over at Oscar, who ducks down in his can and comes back out with a, I HEART SLIMEY, cap and a giant beat up dirty glove pointing that says #1.) * * * * * * WALDORF: Aw, isn’t that touching. Maybe we can learn from those two if we suddenly make friends with the Muppets. STATLER: Are you kidding? With friends like them, we’ll make even more enemies! W & S: HAW HAW HAW HAW!!! * * * * * * PRAIRIE: Look everyone. Here comes the next racers out of the maze, Jackie Khones and Steve the Chameleon. (Jackie Khones and Steve the Chameleon slowly walks out of the maze still writing on her blueprint while Mac, Bloo and Phineas approach him.) PHINEAS: Sorry you didn’t win, Steve. BLOO: But at least you made it out of the maze. MAC: So that’s at least something you achieved. JACKIE KHONES: Oh, I achieved more than that, guys. I just had the inspiration for my newest sandwich for you guys to fit right into your mouths. (Jackie Khones shows the two boys and the blue imaginary friend the blueprint of the very maze he went through.) JACKIE KHONES: I was thinking, we can take the maze home and make a sandwich out of it all over Foster’s and make it home to all the other imaginary friends that seem to pop up. We can call it something like a Labyrinth sandwich. Maybe they’ll make my idea into a movie someday. PRAIRIE: So far, that’s three athletes who made it out of the maze. Now if only Rizzo will come out. I wonder if he’s even in the maze at all. * * * * * * (We see Rizzo and Bubba come out another trap door, somewhere.) RIZZO: Yay, I made it out first! I WIN! I WIN! Wait a minute I don’t hear any cheering crowds! This doesn’t look like the finish line or the stadium! (Rizzo looks around and finds himself in the wide open country.) BUBBA: Who said I was taking you to stadium?! RIZZO: You mean I didn’t cross the finish line and win? BUBBA: No, you didn’t cross the finish line. But you did win something! Turn around. (Rizzo turns around and finds himself on a dairy farm. And there were huge stacks of cheese with all of Rizzo’s rat friends nibbling away.) RIZZO: Hey, a dairy farm! This is way better than winning some dumb maze race. Let me at that mozzarella! (And he dives into a bucket of shredded cheese.) * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: There you have it, sports fans. Both the SpongeBob and lemur teams won today’s event, Plankton for coming in first and Mort for showing good sportsmanship, kindness, and brotherhood. Now let’s go to Phil for today’s scoring. * * * * * * (Phil opens up another slot in his chest exposing four knobs. He turns two of the knobs causing the SpongeBob and the lemur sections on the scoreboard to say 2.) PHIL: Well, Brock. It looks like both the SpongeBob and the lemur teams are now leading with 2 points each. So all six teams are all tied up. Back to you, Brock. * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: Thank you, Phil. Before we close Day 6, let’s get an update of the cross country bike race from Telly Monster. * * * * * * (We see Telly sitting in a wagon eating some Swiss cheese.) TELLY: I wonder why Swiss cheese always has holes in it. Maybe each hole leads to different dimensions if you try really hard to push yourself through them. What do you think? I’ll be traveling in the air? Oh, I’m on the air. OOPS! Huh, huh! This is Telly, Your Monster on the Spot, reporting live from Old MacDonald’s Dairy Farm. Any minute now, our cyclists will be passing through here on this path. And here they come now! It looks like Beaker is in the lead, with Mr. Herriman in second, Baljeet in third, Willie in fourth, Squidward in fifth, and the Count in sixth. (We see Rizzo pushing a small wheelbarrow of cheese across the path.) RIZZO: This should keep me in total cheese bliss for, let’s say, about a lifetime. HA HA HA! (Rizzo turns around and sees the four cyclists speeding down the path.) RIZZO: AAAAAHHHHH! (Rizzo runs away leaving the wheelbarrow behind and the cyclists end up running over the wheelbarrow smashing it and all the cheese to bits.) (A sad Rizzo comes back out on the path and looks at all his squashed cheese with dirty tread marks all over them.) RIZZO: My poor little cheeses! You’ve become street pizza! And without the crust, tomato, and pepperonis neither. That’s total injustice! (The thought bubble with Kermit in it reappears.) KERMIT: See, Rizzo. I told you cheaters never win! You had to learn the hard way! RIZZO: Normally, I wouldn’t slug the real Kermit since he’s my boss. But you’re only a thought bubble with a fictional frog in it. Which means….! KERMIT: OH NO! (Kermit watches in fear as Rizzo takes out a pin and pops the thought bubble causing it to fly around all over the place like a balloon.) KERMIT: YOU MAY HAVE GOTTEN RID OF ME FOR NOW, BUT NEXT TIME YOU DO WRONG, I’LL BE BACK AND I’LL TAKE THE FORM OF YOUR MOTHER! (The thought bubble deflates and hits the camera. Telly reaches over and pulls the deflated Kermit bubble off the lens and throws it away.) TELLY: Pesky bugs. Anyway, this is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, bringing you back to Brock. * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: Thank you, Telly. That’s all for today, tune in next time for Day 7 of Battle of the TV Slash Movie All-Stars. This is Brock Pearson. CLAIRE WHEELER: And this is Claire Wheeler, signing out. BROCK PEARSON: We should probably do something about that penguin shaped hole in our roof. CLAIRE WHEELER: Yeah, before something dangerous falls through it and lands on me as usual! BROCK PEARSON: Now what dangerous thing can possibly fall through a penguin shaped hole? Other than a penguin? (Just then, something hard falls through the penguin shaped hole and lands on Claire.) A FLATTENED CLAIRE WHEELER: Make that a 500 pound statue of a penguin! (A confused Brock Pearson looks up at the hole and then down at the penguin statue crushing the poor Claire Wheeler.) BROCK PEARSON: Turn off the camera before more questions start getting asked! (Camera goes off.) Day 7 BROCK PEARSON: Welcome back, sports fans to Day 7 of Battle of the TV Slash Movies All-Stars. This is Brock Pearson. (The camera turns to Claire Wheeler who appears in an undershirt and busy shaving with cream on her face.) CLAIRE WHEELER: And I’m your definitely very friendly, not ready to go on the air, Claire Wheeler! BROCK PEARSON: Claire! That’s unprofessional for a sportscaster. Appearing on the air all unprepared! CLAIRE WHEELER: Hey, I overslept today! Besides, this was the first embarrassing mistake I ever made! BROCK PEARSON: What about that Scare Games event with Jaws Theta Chi, Slugma Slugma Kappa, Python Nu Kappa, Theta Hiss Hiss, Roar Omega Roar, and Oozma Kappa? A STUTTERING CLAIRE WHEELER: No one has any proof of that! My bottom half was behind the desk! I had pants on that day! BROCK PEARSON(taking out a newspaper): That’s not what this old issue of the Daily Scandal says. There’re even photos. (Claire Wheeler yanks the paper away from Brock Pearson and sits on it.) CLAIRE WHEEER: Don’t we have a sporting event to get to? BROCK PEARSON: Oh yes. Let’s get an update from the cross country bike race from Telly Monster. * * * * * * (We see Telly Monster pop his head out of a haystack.) TELLY: Thank you, Brock. This is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, hitting the hay and giving you an update about the cross country bike race. We’re still in the country and we’re waiting for our cyclists to come by on this road. Wait a minute, I see one of them. It’s Beaker! He seems to have left the other bikers behind and has taken a huge lead. Just look at him go! (We see Beaker riding his bike while singing, Old MacDonald, in his meep-meep language.) TELLY: Uh, oh. It looks like something’s coming this way. It’s a herd of cattle crossing the pathway. And here comes Beaker coming to a stop. (Beaker watches as all the cattle slowly walk across the path making him unable to get through.) BEAKER SIGHING: Mee, meep. TELLY: There must be over 100 bulls and cows getting in Beaker’s way. Beaker might be there for a long time! (Beaker takes out his cell phone and calls Bunsen.) BEAKER: Mee, mee, meep, moo, moo, moo, mee, mee, moo moo, meep! BUNSEN: Yes Beaky. I can see what you’re going through on the large screen TV above the stadium. I guess you might say you have yourself a COW-lamity or an UTTER dilemma! BEAKER GROANING: Mee, meep! BUNSEN: Sorry about that. Dominic begged me to send you those two puns. Anyway, there’s a device on the bike that’s perfect for removing cattle traffic. Push the big red button on the front of your handlebars. (Beaker spies the red button and nervously pushes it. Suddenly, red paint starts to squirt all over Beaker turning him a bright red.) A DRIPPING WET BEAKER: Mee, meep? BUNSEN: Trust me, Beaker. Now watch the scientific magic happen. (The bulls turn their heads and look at the red Beaker and start getting angry.) A SCARED BEAKER: Mee, Meep! BUNSEN: As everyone knows, the color red makes a bull angry. And now that you’re all red, they’re going to stop the pathway blocking. See, they’re all leaving the path. Aren’t I a genius? (The reason all the bulls have left the pathway was because they were stampeding after the panicking red Beaker who had pedaled off the path as well.) BUNSEN: Oh dear. I guess to get them to leave the path was for you to leave the path as well! I should’ve looked at my calculations some more. (One of the bulls had butted Beaker causing him and his bike to fly into the air and land in a nice soft haystack. Beaker rose out of the haystack, took off his helmet, wiped his brow and sighed of relief. But then a cow came along and started chewing off his red hair.) TELLY: Poor Beaker! But at least he got the path cleared so our other cyclists can cross and here they come. Now it’s Mr. Herriman in the lead, with Willie in second, Baljeet in third, Squidward in fifth, and The Count in sixth. This is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, bringing you back to Brock and Claire. OWWWW! (Telly looks behind him and sees another cow chewing on some hay along with some purple fur, then Telly starts rubbing his sore bottom.) * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: Thank you, Telly. What did you think of that exciting bike riding scene, Claire? CLAIRE WHEELER: In a minute, I think I got some shaven hair in my nose! (Brock Pearson starts blowing his nose with a tissue, until a camera flash goes off.) CLAIRE WHEELER: What the….? (He turns around and finds Pain and Panic holding a camera.) PAIN: Oh boy. Hades is gonna love this dirt! (He and Panic storms out of the booth.) CLAIRE WHEELER: Not again! Curse you, imps! I’ll get you for this! (Claire Wheeler runs out of the booth dressed only in his undershirt and multi-colored boxers.) A DISGUSTED BROCK PEARSON: Why couldn’t my co-caster be a pepperoni pizza?! Anyway, on to today’s event! And because you all requested her back, mainly you single guys and unhappily married men, here’s Princess Mindy. * * * * * * PLATFORM DIVING * * * * * * (We see Princess Mindy sitting in a deckchair next to a huge diving board near the pool.) MINDY: Welcome back all you cool and hot sports fans. This is Princess Mindy reporting live from the 100 meter dive where our strong and ready to get wet athletes will be showing their grace and form on the diving board. Ooooh! I can’t wait to feel that cool water splash on me! (Princess Mindy gets some water splashed on her by one of the groundskeepers.) MINDY: Thank you, cutie! I was sizzling like a sausage. (She takes some money from her coat and stuffs it in the groundskeeper’s shirt.) GROUNDSKEEPER(looking at the bill): A ten thousand dollar bill. I was really hoping for a kiss from her. (Then he sadly walks away.) * * * * * * MINDY: Look, here comes our first diver now. From the Sesame team, Ernie! (Ernie walks to the diving board dressed in blue Bermuda shorts with yellow duckies. He waves to the crowd and laughs his trademark laugh.) BERT: How come Ernie gets to wear those shorts while I had to wear a Speedo in my event?! GROVER: Maybe Ernie is more modest than you? AN ANNOYED BERT: GRRRRRR! MINDY: We see Ernie climbing the ladder of the diving board, now he’s on the top, now he’s about to dive. Wait a minute. He’s stopped for some reason. (Ernie starts checking the pockets of his trunks and becomes very nervous.) ERNIE: Rubber Duckie, where are you?! OH NO!!!! (Starts climbing back down.) MINDY: Uh oh! Now Ernie’s climbing back down. Has he developed a sudden fear of heights, otherwise known as acrophobia? ERNIE(shouting): No, I have Duckiephobia! A fear of not having my little water buddy with me! (He runs back into the dugout.) BERT: Ernie, what’s the matter? You were just about to dive. ERNIE: It’s my Rubber Duckie, Bert! I’ve lost him! BERT: Don’t worry, Ernie. We’ll find him after you make your dive. ERNIE: Go into the water without Rubber Duckie?! Are you mad, Bert?! You know I can’t get into a bathtub or a swimming pool without my Rubber Duckie! BERT: Can’t you just make a fast dive and get out of the water, quickly? Spending a few seconds in the pool without your Duckie won’t kill you, will it? ERNIE(shaking Bert around): What are you thinking, Bert?! Haven’t you heard about the buddy system? And I need my little buddy, Rubber Duckie by my side! Oh, Rubber Duckie, why have you abandoned me during this nationwide event?! BERT(turns to the Sesame team): Listen up, everyone. We gotta find Ernie’s Rubber Duckie or else he won’t dive. Search this dugout and the entire locker room until you find it. (The Sesame team nods and they all scatter around trying to find Ernie’s Duckie.) ERNIE: Thank you, Bert. You’re my best friend besides my Rubber Duckie. BERT(blushing): Anything for you, pal. Excuse me for a minute. (Bert rushes out of the dugout and heads to the referee.) BERT: Excuse me, Mr. Referee. But Ernie’s having a little problem he needs to deal with before he dives. Can you please hold his dive back until he’s ready? REFEREE: Well, I suppose. But if he’s not ready until after the last diver dives, your team will be disqualified. BERT: Thanks, you won’t regret this. I hope! (Bert heads back to the dugout where everyone is still searching for Ernie’s missing duckie.) * * * * * * MINDY: Well, it turns out because of an unusual act of a lack of duckiness, Ernie’s dive will be held back later. So right now, we’ll go onto our next diver. And here he is, diving for the SpongeBob team is Pearl the Whale. We see Pearl climbing the ladder, now she’s approaching the diving board, now she’s jumping, and now she’s striking a pose? PEARL: Give me a K-R-U! Give me a S-T-Y! Give me a K-R-A-B! Krusty Krab! I cheer for ice cream! (Pearl continues to bounce on the board and then jumps off, only to start bouncing on the middle diving board. Each bounce causes Pearl to jump higher and higher. She then starts to fly high into the air and then so high that she ends up bouncing off a passing blimp. Then Pearl zooms down like a missile until she hits the pool splashing the entire crowd.) A WITCH IN THE CROWD: AHHHH! I’M MELTING!!! I’M MELTING!!! (The people around the witch back away and watch her melt into a puddle.) A GUY: Usher, clean up in the seventh row, please! MINDY: That was truly one whale of a amazing dive that big girl displayed! Let’s see what the judges have to say. (We see the TV monitor above and the number 9.5 appears on the screen.) MINDY: Wow, a 9.5! That’s gonna be tough to beat! PEARL(In the pool): Yay, I did it! WHALE POWER! WHALE POWER! (The SpongeBob team starts to cheer as well.) * * * * * * (Back in the Sesame locker room, we see the Sesame team searching every corner and locker for Ernie’s missing Duckie.) ERNIE: Oh, Rubber Duckie?! Where can you be?! (In comes Sherlock Hemlock.) SHERLOCK: Fear not, Ernie old bean! I, Sherlock Hemlock, the world’s greatest detective, will locate and find this missing Rubber Duckie of yours! (He takes out his magnifying glass and starts searching. The first thing he approaches was Cookie Monster.) SHERLOCK: Please say, AHHH, Mr. Monster. (Cookie opens his big mouth and Sherlock starts to look inside.) A HORRIFIED ERNIE: You mean Cookie Monster might’ve eaten my…..?!! SHERLOCK: Relax, Ernie. I see no indigestible Rubber Duckie clogging this monster’s esophagus. So he must be innocent. COOKIE: Thank goodness me didn’t eat Ernie’s Duckie. But me didn’t know me eat esophagus, whatever esophagus is. Is it like a Snuffleupagus? * * * * * MINDY: Our next diver competing for the Foster’s team is Frankie. (We see Frankie Foster with a skateboard climbing up the ladder and walk to the board, and she was actually eager to start.) MINDY: And I don’t think it’s a good idea for her to be jumping off the diving board with a skateboard. FRANKIE: We’ll see about that. Let’s do this! (She uses the skateboard and rolls off the diving board, and into the pool, making a tremendous splash.) FRANKIE: I got one! MINDY: Awesome display by Frankie Foster. Now, what do our judges have to say about that? (The number 9.9 is displayed on the big screen.) MINDY: And she gets a 9.9, making the Foster’s team in the lead! (The Foster’s team starts cheering for Frankie.) MAC: Frankie! That was awesome!!! * * * * * * (Next, Sherlock checks Oscar’s trash can.) SHERLOCK: Are there any Duckies in there? OSCAR’S VOICE: No, but there are a lot of YUCKIES in here. Have some! (Sherlock gets hit in the face with some mud and starts frowning.) SHERLOCK: He’s innocent, but very unpleasant! * * * * * * MINDY: Now here comes our next diver. It’s the Phineas team’s silent type, Ferb Fletcher. (We see Ferb walk proudly to the board with a backpack on his back. Phineas follows after him.) PHINEAS: Ferb, are you sure you want to make this dive for us? FERB: Of course I do. You all know very well that I was born to dive! PHINEAS: But we’ve all seen you dive many times. You kind of have this habit of missing the pool and landing on the side flat on your face. FERB: Oh sure, just one time. PHINEAS: Of course. You never miss! FERB: Well, anyway. I’ve come up with a foolproof strategy in case that does happen again. (He starts patting his backpack.) Now, if you’ll excuse me….. (Ferb climbs to the top of the diving board while Phineas watches nervously.) MINDY: It looks like Ferb is taking his place on the board, now he’s spreading his arms apart, shaking his green F hair around. Now he’s diving! He’s doing okay so far. Wait a minute, he seems to be moving away from the pool and is about to hit the side! Uh oh! Not only will this look bad for the Phineas team, but for poor Ferb’s lifespan as well! PHINEAS(shaking his head): I was afraid of this! FERB: Oh, Brother of little faith! I told you I was prepared. (He starts reaching into his backpack.) MINDY: It appears Ferb has come up with some kind of last minute strategy. He’s taking out a bucket with a suctioned dart attached to the bottom. And he’s tossing it on the ground next to the pool. Now he’s taking out a squirt gun and filling the bucket with water. Now he’s about to dive into it. Counting down, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1! SPLAAASHHH! (We see an upside down Ferb with his head in the bucket of water.) MINDY: He did it! Even though he didn’t dive into the pool, it was still awesome! Let’s see what the judges say. (The monitor shows a 7.) MINDY: And the Phineas team gets a 7, which puts the Foster’s team still in first place! PHINEAS(approaching Ferb still in the bucket): Sorry, you didn’t win, Ferb. I’ll help you out of that bucket. FERB: Don’t you dare! I never swam in a bucket of water before! It’s like my head’s wet, but the rest of me is dry! This is a whole new experience for me! (Ferb starts wiggling his arms and legs around while his head was still stuck in the bucket.) PHINEAS(sighing): Whatever rocks your world! At least he’s a lot chatty today. * * * * * * (Back in the Sesame locker room, Sherlock is still searching for Ernie’s missing Duckie.) SHERLOCK: Maybe I should try listening for that squeaking sound the noble Rubber Duckie makes. (Just then, Sherlock hears a HONK. Sherlock rushes over and sees a dark blue Honker busy honking his trademark nose.) SHERLOCK: AH HA! So it’s you who has Ernie’s Rubber Duckie! (Honker makes a questionable honk.) SHERLOCK: That sound proves you must still have it on you! I cannot believe you, trying to sabotage your own team by kidnapping an innocent Rubber Duckie from Ernie! (Honker honks rapidly trying to tell Sherlock that he doesn’t have Ernie’s Duckie on him.) SHERLOCK: And I can still hear that poor Duckie crying out for help! Release him at once! * * * * * * MINDY: And coming up next is the diver for the lemur team, Maurice! (A terrified Maurice climbs up the ladder and up to the board as Ted follows him.) MAURICE: I don’t know, Ted. I mean, I’m afraid of heights. I just am! TED: Lemur up, Maurice. I don’t only have a soft hand like cheese. I also have a very firm hand just like yours. MAURICE: But I’m unable to handle my fear of diving. Why in Frank’s name did I sign up for this event in the first place? TED: You need to get over your fear of heights. Even King Julien is believing in you. (Maurice looks down at the pool, in which he pictures it way down than he ever imagined. Then he looks down at King Julien.) KING JULIEN: Momo, you’re my bro-mo! (Maurice looks down at the pool again, then looks at King Julien.) MAURICE: Okay. I’m gonna do it, but only because I’m King Julien’s best friend. (Maurice then takes a very deep breath, and then he starts diving down to the pool.) MAURICE: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (When Maurice dives into the pool, he makes a pretty good splash.) MAURICE: I did it! I can’t believe I handled my fear of diving. MINDY: An impressive display by Maurice, who just happened to overcome his acrophobia for his best friend and team captain, King Julien. Let’s see what the judges think. (The monitor shows an 6.) MINDY: Not bad, but still unable to beat the Foster’s team. Which team will be able to beat Foster’s? * * * * * * (A sad Ernie sits on a bench while Bert and Big Bird try to comfort him.) ERNIE: Oh, my poor Rubber Duckie! GONE FOREVER! BIG BIRD: Gee, I know how you feel, Ernie. If I ever lost my teddy bear, Radar, I’d feel the same way. (Big Bird sits on the bench next to Ernie and a squeaking sound was heard.) BERT: What was that?!! BIG BIRD: I don’t know. Could it be a whoopee cushion? (Big Bird gets back up, looks at his seat, and finds it empty. Then he sits back down and the squeak was heard again. He gets back up and finds nothing.) BIG BIRD: Must be an imaginary whoopee cushion. Wait till I tell Snuffy about this! ERNIE: Wait a minute, Big Bird. There’s something stuck in your tail feathers. (Ernie pulls out the object from Big Bird’s tail and smiles when he sees what it is.) ERNIE: MY RUBBER DUCKIE! I FOUND YOU!!! BIG BIRD: Hey, you found your Duckie! But what was he doing hiding in my tail feathers? (Ernie squeaks Rubber Duckie and listens.) ERNIE: Rubber Duckie says he got a little bit of the jitters and was worried that he might lose the diving event. (Ernie squeaks Rubber Duckie some more.) But after seeing how sad and devastated I was, he wants to go out there and try his best for both of us. BERT(shaking his head): I’ll never understand the chemistry between those two! ERNIE: This is no time for chemistry, Bert. We got a dive to perform! Come on Rubber Duckie! (Ernie rushes out of the locker room past Sherlock who was still interrogating the poor Honker.) SHERLOCK: Either you reveal that Rubber Duckie this instant or I’ll have all of Scotland Yard on your case! * * * * * * MINDY: Look, here comes Ernie making a comeback. And he’s looking more determined that ever! Now he’s climbing up the ladder while clutching onto something yellow and squeaky. Now he’s made it to the top! ERNIE: What do you say, Rubber Duckie, shall we do a swan dive? (Ernie starts squeaking his Duckie again.) ERNIE: Okay, we’ll do a Duckie dive instead. KEE HEE HEE HEE! MINDY: Ernie just jumped off the board while flapping his arms like a duck and kicking his legs like a duck. Now he’s made a splash like a duck! Ernie must be going through a ducky day to do a dive like that. And it seemed to have pleased the judges. They’re giving Ernie an 8 putting him ahead of the Fraggle team, but behind the Big Blue House team. (We see Rubber Duckie floating in the water while Ernie pops his head out.) ERNIE: That was fun, wasn’t it Rubber Duckie? Uh, Rubber Duckie, where are you?! Oh no! I lost you again! (Ernie gets out of the pool searching for his friend not realizing that his Rubber Duckie was sitting on his head.) MINDY: That was weird. And speaking of weird, here comes a guy who has mastered the art of weird. It’s the diver for the Muppet team, The Great Gonzo! (Gonzo comes in wearing a white robe while quiet unenthusiastic claps are heard from the crowd.) GONZO: Thank you, thank you my adoring fans. I, the Great Gonzo will perform the greatest and deadliest high diving act you’ve ever seen. KERMIT(in the dugout): Deadliest, Oh no! If I know Gonzo….! (Kermit hops out of the dugout and hops over to Gonzo.) GONZO: Oh, I’m so glad you’re here, Kermit. Hold this for me please. (Gonzo hands his robe to Kermit and everyone becomes shocked to see Gonzo dressed in a jumpsuit covered with multi-colored light bulbs.) KERMIT: Gonzo, are those electric lights you’re wearing?! GONZO: They certainly are. I figured I’d give the judges and the crowd a dazzling little light show while I dive. (Gonzo starts climbing the ladder.) KERMIT: You can’t dive into the water with electrical devices! You could get killed! GONZO(still climbing): Cool! I’ve always wanted to see my face in the obituary! (Kermit just shakes his head in worry.) SPAMELA: Is he really doing this? Is Gonzo really going to dive with all those electric light bulbs attached to his torso? Hmmm, I wouldn’t mind having a few guys over with light bulbs strapped to them. Oh wait. Concentrate on the dive, Spamela! We see Gonzo jumping on the board and now he’s diving! GONZO: Showtime!(As Gonzo falls, he hits a switch on his wrist and the light bulbs on his body start flashing a red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and purple. Then the lights on his back start flashing the letters, G-O-N-Z-O!) SPAMELA: Sports fans, we’re seeing a beautiful but dangerous form of diving! Gonzo is giving us a wonderful light show, but he’s getting closer to the water, which might end his diving career, permanently! GONZO: Okay, that’s enough of the light show, now to turn off my lights before I hit the water. (Gonzo tries to click off the lights, but they wouldn’t go out.) Come on lights, turn off! Why won’t you turn off?! Uh oh! Here comes the water! KERMIT: Hop for it everyone! (Kermit, Spamela, and the referee run away from the pool as Gonzo dives in the water causing bolts of electricity to jump out of the pool.) GONZO: WOO HAA HAA HAA! (Gonzo cries out in pain as lots of steam gushes out of the pool and colorful electric sparks were performing in the steam.) WALDORF: Have you ever seen such a spectacular sight in your life? STATLER: That’s nothing. The most spectacular sight I’ve ever seen in my life was my first wife’s divorce papers! W & S: HAW HAW HAW HAW! (Once the steam had cleared, Kermit, Mindy, and the referee rush back to the pool and found it completely dry.) MINDY: This is totally outrageous! That electrical dive has completely fried all the water out of the pool. Let’s see if The Great Gonzo is alive. (They all looked at the bottom of the pool and saw a charred black Gonzo lying there.) KERMIT: Gonzo, are you okay? Yeesh, I don’t know how many times I’ve asked you that question! (Gonzo opens his eyes and gets up. Then he looks at his charred covered body.) GONZO: I’ll be fine. You know, I thought I’d get all clean if I dove into a pool! MINDY: Gonzo seems to be okay! Let’s see what the judges say about this. (The monitor starts to spark like crazy as a huge number 10 appears on the screen.) MINDY: The Great Gonzo gets a perfect 10 for that death defying diving act! The Muppet team wins the diving event! (The crowd looks confused, but then starts cheering for Gonzo. As Gonzo climbs out of the pool, Mindy approaches him.) MINDY: Gonzo, you’ve pulled the greatest dive ever in this great sporting event. But did you ever think that going through a dangerous stunt like that would get you killed? GONZO: Of course I did. I’ve done hundreds of deadly stunts like that all my life and somehow, I manage to come out of them alive. (We see the Grim Reaper on the side snapping his bony fingers in frustration.) GONZO: Sorry again, sir. But keep trying. One of these days you’ll get me. I believe in you! (Grim walks away and then looks at Waldorf and Statler.) GRIM: Any day now, you’ll both be mine! WALDORF: How about today? STATLER: Yeah, rescue us from those Muppets! MINDY: This is Princess Mindy returning you to that cute caster with the cute and funny nose, Brock Pearson. * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: Thank you Mindy. And thank you for the compliment on the Pearson family nostrils. Hear that all you girls who rejected me in high school? The sexy mermaid thinks my nose is cute! Anyway, we’ve just seen a wild and shocking dive by our favorite blue geek giving the Muppet team the victory. Let’s see how the scoring is now. Digit? * * * * * * PHIL: That sure was a cool dive Gonzo pulled and look, he even autographed a light bulb for me! (Phil holds up a yellow light bulb with Gonzo’s autograph on it. Phil gets so excited that sparks fly out of his head and the light bulb he’s holding starts to shine bright and then explodes.) PHIL: Aw, circuit breakers! Anyway, as for today’s scoring, it looks like the Muppet team is leading with 2 points each while the other teams are in second place with one point. Back to you, Brock and Claire. * * * * * * BROCK: Thank you, Phil. Well sports fans, this tournament started out with the Phineas team leading, but now it seems like they have dropped down to last place. Can they catch up? We’ll find out on Day 8 of Battle of the TV Slash Movie All-Stars. (Claire comes back in fully clothed, but with a grumpy look on her face.) BROCK PEARSON: Hi, Claire. We’re you able to stop those two bozos from publishing that embarrassing picture of yourself? CLAIRE WHEELER: Does this answer your question?! (He tosses the latest issue of the Daily Scandal on the counter top. It was a picture of the Newsman in his underwear and above it reads, MUPPET NEWSMAN REVEALS IT ALL!) CLAIRE WHEELER: That article is a total lie! BROCK PEARSON: I’ll say. You’re not revealing it all! You still have your underwear on! CLAIRE WHEELER: That’s only in the front page! When I was chasing after those two idiots, my drawers got caught on a nearby nail and RIP, he got lucky with another shot! BROCK PEARSON: Ooooh! I gotta see this! (He starts flipping through the paper.) CLAIRE WHEELER: Camera off! NOW!!!! (Camera goes off.) Day 8 BROCK PEARSON: Hello again sports fans to Day 8 of Battle of the TV Slash Movie All-Stars. I am Brock Pearson. CLAIRE WHEELER: And I’m the big C known as Claire. BROCK PEARSON: If you’ve all been tuning in these past few days, you’ve seen updates on the heavy duty cross country bicycle race and six athletes pedaling their hardly seen legs off on their bikes. Just what is it that keeps these contestants riding for many vigorous days without a break? It’s really good coaches that drive them to do their best. CLAIRE WHEELER: Where do they drive them? To the movies, to restaurants, or just ride around the country and waste expensive gas? A SIGHING BROCK PERASON: Two many things have fallen on your head over the years. Anyway, we happen to have one of the cyclist’s coaches here in the booth with us. It’s The Count’s coach and girlfriend, The Countess. (The camera turns to the left and we see a female version of the Count brushing her blonde hair.) COUNTESS: 94 strokes, 95 strokes, 96 strokes, 97 strokes. BROCK PEARSON: Excuse me, Miss. Countess. But is it true that you’re a loving girlfriend to the Count, but also a strict coach as well? COUNTESS: Well dahling, I’ll tell you how it went with my manly and batty Count. I had him doing push ups, chin ups, fang ups, and riding his bicycle for many hours. I asked him when he’d like to stop, but he refused. He wanted to keep going. So far, my beloved has done over 1000 push ups and bike laps. BROCK PEARSON: Wow! It sounds like The Count had a lot of endurance to keep all that up. COUNTESS: Mainly because he didn’t want to stop all that counting. My dahling Count’s counting endurance is a lot stronger than his physical endurance. BROCK PEARSON: And there you have it sports fans, an athlete who relies on counting power to get him through this rugged bike race. COUNTESS: That’s right. Never underestimate the power of counting. And now I must get back to counting my hair strokes. 98 strokes, 99 strokes, 100 soothing hair strokes! HA HA HA HA! (Suddenly lightning appears in the booth surprising both Brock Pearson and Claire Wheeler. Then it starts to rain in the booth!) BROCK PEARSON: Who turned on the sprinklers?! Is there a fire?! CLAIRE WHEELER: At least it’s not coming down in buckets. OH NO! What’d I just say?! (And sure enough, heavy metal buckets came falling down on the Claire.) COUNTESS(looking in the mirror) My beautiful hair is wet and ruined. Oh well, that means I get to brush my hair again! Oh, vunderful! One wet hair stroke, two wet hair strokes…! (BROCK PEARSON starts to wring out his wet microphone like it was a damp sock.) BROCK PEARSON: This is Brock and Claire bringing you to the event of the day. Reporting live once again is retired game show host, Guy Smiley. * * * * * * OBJECT THROWING * * * * * * GUY: Hello again, sports fans. This is Guy Smiley giving you the report of today’s event. The any kind of object throwing event. You see, the committee had trouble deciding on what our athletes should be throwing. Either javelins, discusses, shot puts, or hammer balls. So we’ve decided that the athletes will get to choose what they’d like to throw and they’ll be judged on the weight and distance each object is hurled. And look, here come some members of the lemur team going over to the cart to choose which item their chosen athlete will throw. * * * * * TED: Wow, King Julien. Do you think I’d be the best one to compete in this event? KING JULIEN: Sure, Ted. Back in Madagascar, I trained you to throw all sorts of things like rocks, mangoes, and even Mort. But by accident though. TED: I remember. Mort was not very happy. MAURICE: Don’t worry about a thing, Ted. Just relax and have fun throwing out there. TED: Thanks Maurice. MAURICE(with a stern look): And remember, Ted. We’re in last place right now! So I advise that you don’t mess this up! OR ELSE!!! TED(shaking): Or else what? MAURICE: Please don’t force me to answer that. You would not like what I’ll have to say! KING JULIEN: Momo, don’t make Ted nervous like that! Remember, you didn’t do so well in your diving event. MAURICE: Touche! KING JULIEN: Don’t listen to him, Ted. Just choose your object to throw and hope that you’ll do your best. TED: Okay, KJ. (Ted approaches the cart and tries to decide.) Hmm, I could try throwing a shot put. But it looks too heavy. Maybe I’ll try a hammer ball. But a hammer might break my nails! I know, the javelin! But it looks so sharp that I might poke my eye out or somebody else’s! Maybe I’ll try the discus, it looks light and safe. No wait. It looks a lot like Mort! It’ll bring back that bad memory! What should I do?! Shot put, hammer ball, javelin, discus! OH NO! I CAN’T DECIDE! (Steam starts shooting out of Ted’s ears and he starts running around in circles.) MAURICE: Oh no! He would have to get a ruin attack at this time! KING JULIEN: He probably wouldn’t have if you didn’t threaten him about us being in last place. MAURICE: Hey, it’s what a coach does! * * * * * * GUY: It looks like the lemurs are having a tough time deciding on what object to throw. It’s just lucky for them they’ll be competing last. Right now, here comes the thrower for the Phineas team stepping into the ring. It’s Buford van Stomm. And it looks like he’s going to be throwing the javelin. (Buford walks with his pet goldfish, Biff, into the ring with a long javeli. Then he puts it in his hand and starts to throw it.) GUY: Yes, he’s throwing it. And it looks like a good distance too. (Just then, Biff starts to pant and stomp his hind fin. He then jumps out of his fishbowl and grabs the javelin with his mouth.) GUY: Wait a minute! It appears Buford’s pet goldfish, Biff, has left the ring and has caught the javelin before it has a chance to land. Now he’s returning to the ring. He’s going to throw it again. And he has. Wait a minute again! Buford is rushing out of the ring once more and Biff has caught the javelin and is bringing it back. Now he’s throwing it, going after it, and bringing it back! Doesn’t he know this is not the way to throw a javelin? (In Phineas’ dugout.) PHINEAS: What’s Buford’s fish doing? Doesn’t he know he’s not supposed to bring back the javelin once he throws it? FERB: I’m afraid that Biff’s animal instincts are kicking in. Once he sees a stick flying, he has this urge to fetch it. (Guy rushed over to Buford and Biff who has brought the javelin back to the ring for the sixteenth time.) GUY: Mr. Van Stomm. Why is your pet goldfish doing all of this? Don’t you know you’re supposed to wait till the javelin hits the furthest ground? BUFORD: I know! But Biff just can’t help himself. He’s gotta fetch sticks, just like how sponges gotta flip patties, birds gotta roller skate, frogs gotta dance, and lemurs gotta rule the kingdom. (The Phineas team look at each other funny.) (Buford then takes out a leash attached to a spike.) BUFORD: If you’ll be so kind to post this spike and tie this leash around Biff’s neck, this event will go much better for me. GUY: Anything for for a pet. (Guy posts the spike and puts the leash around Biff’s tiny neck.) We’ll see if this unusual strategy will help Buford and his goldfish win. (As Guy gets out of the way, Buford throws the javelin one last time. Biff tries to go after it, but the leash he was attached to, stopped him from getting it. And the javelin finally lands.) GUY: Buford and Biff’s finally done it and according to the judges. He’s thrown that javelin 10 feet. (The Phineas team starts cheering for Buford.) BUFORD: BUFORD VAN STOMM! (Then he and Biff rush to his team but forgets about the leash and tries to pull the fishbowl from the spike.) PHINEAS: Poor Biff. FERB: Don’t worry, I’ll fetch him. (And he leaves the dugout.) * * * * * * GUY: Here’s our next thrower in from the SpongeBob team, Larry the Lobster. And as always he has chosen an anchor. (We see Larry the Lobster in the ring getting ready to throw his anchor, and throws it farther than how Buford did. Eventually, the anchor landed.) GUY: And he threw it! And according to the judges, he threw the anchor 210 feet, making the SpongeBob team into the lead. (The SpongeBob team starts cheering for Larry.) SANDY: Say, Larry, you want to celebrate making it to the competition? We can go to the Salty Spitoon. LARRY: Sure, Sandy. SANDY: Great. I’ll meet you there. (SpongeBob then approached Larry.) SPONGEBOB: Congratulations, Larry. LARRY: Thanks, SpongeBob. SPONGEBOB: Do you want to celebrate at the Krusty Krab after the event? LARRY: Sorry, SpongeBob. But, I promised Sandy that I’d meet her at the Salty Spitoon. We’re going to celebrate there. SPONGEBOB: Nah, it’s okay. I haven’t gone jellyfishing with Patrick at all last week and I should make it up to him if we win the sporting event. LARRY: Okay! * * * * * * GUY: Our next thrower is Fozzie Bear from the Muppet team. And it looks like he’s chosen a discus. (We see Fozzie in the ring getting ready to throw his discus, until…) WALDORF: Hey, Bear! Try not to throw your back out! STATLER: Yeah, you already threw away your funny bone! W & S: HAW HAW HAW HAW! FOZZIE: Listen you guys. Do not heckle me. I’m just here to compete in a sporting event. I’m not here to make you laugh today! WALDORF: When have you ever?! FOZZIE: Will you stop that?! This is not the time for me to tell jokes! STATLER: You’re right. It’s the time for you to be a joke! W & S: HAW HAW HAW HAW! FOZZIE: Just ignore them, Fozzie. Just throw the discus. W & S: HEEEEEEY, BEAR, BEAR, BEAR, BEAR, BEAR, BEAR!!!! GUY: Uh oh! It looks like Fozzie is distracted. Will he be able to concentrate on his throw? W & S: HEEEEEEEY, BEAR, BEAR, BEAR, BEAR, BEAR, BEAR!!!! FOZZIE: That does it! I can’t take this anymore. Scooter, bring me another discus! SCOOTER: Here you go, Fozzie. (Scooter rushes over with a second discus.) FOZZIE: Thanks Scooter. This is just what I need. (Fozzie takes out a can of whipped cream and sprays it on top of the discus Scooter is holding. Then he sprays the first discus as well. Fozzie takes both of the cream filled discuses and holds them up making them look like cream pies. Then he smiles wickedly at the two old men.) STATLER: Uh oh! What’ve we driven him too?! FOZZIE: Here’s my joke for today. What did the discus throwing bear say when the two old hecklers wouldn’t leave him alone? He said, “This DISCUS-sion is over!” (And Fozzie hurls the two pies at the men.) WALDORF: Duck Statler! Fire in the hole! (The two old men duck down under their seats, hoping the pies would hit the two other people behind them. A few seconds have passed.) STATLER: Do you think the pies have passed? WALDORF: Probably, let me check. (Waldorf takes a quick peak, and sees the pies slowly coming their way. (No, stay down! Those pies seem to be taking their time!) STATLER: How can that bear be able to throw pies at such a slow speed? Why can’t his material be that quick? (W & S look up and see the pies slowly pass over them.) WALDORF: Ah, that’s a relief. We can get back up now. (But when Waldorf and Statler returned to their seats, the pies started to boomerang and threw themselves in the faces of the two old men.) WALDORF: How’d he do that?! STATLER: Maybe this cream was made in Australia. (A smiling Fozzie walks up to the two cream covered old men.) FOZZIE: Remember, old hecklers. Never tick off a bear who used his entire college fund to go to clown college instead of Harvard! AAAAAH! GUY: And there you have it. Fozzie has thrown two discuses with cream filling at two elderly old men. Don’t you just love American sports? And the judges say he threw those pies 5 feet, which puts the Muppet team behind the SpongeBob team and the Phineas team. FOZZIE: I may not have won. But it was worth it. HA HA HA HA! (Fozzie continues laughing while Statler and Waldorf continue wiping themselves clean.) * * * * * * GUY: Next we have with us the thrower for the Foster’s team. Please welcome Goo. And it occurs to me that she has chosen (Goo steps into the ring with nothing.) GUY: And why doesn’t she have anything to throw from a distance. GOO: Because I can create an imaginary friend from a giant old abandoned arcade machine with wings, four long legs, a flowered detective hat, sweater, boots, and green stripes. (And just like that, an old abandoned arcade machine friend with eyes, mouth, wings, four long legs, a flowered detective hat, a sweater, boots, and green stripes gets imagined.) GUY: Why is your new arcade machine friend old abandoned anyhow? GOO: I just thought that since this is a throwing contest, and I have to come up with something heavy to throw, and nobody can break new arcade video games, I figured that I can create an arcade friend that is old abandoned game that hasn’t been played in years, and could use some reprogramming. GUY: O-kay. That makes sense. Go ahead. (She carries the old abandoned arcade machine friend, lifts it, and throws the friend.) ARCADE GAME FRIEND: Whee! (Finally, the machine lands.) GUY: And she done it! And I’ve been informed by the judges that Goo threw the arcade machine friend at 15 team, behind the Phineas team, but still unable to beat the SpongeBob team. (Goo rushes to the arcade machine friend.) GOO: I hope you’re still able to reprogram the game you have inside you which hasn’t been played in years. I mean I already created you just before I threw you. But I really wanted to play this game so badly. I can adopt you and take you home so that I can play that game I always wanted to play. * * * * * * GUY: And now here comes the thrower for the Sesame Street team. It’s everyone’s favorite bad sport, Oscar the Grouch. (A walking garbage can steps into the ring and sets itself down while everyone cheers. Then an angry Oscar pops his head out.) OSCAR: Will you all pipe down! All this praise is gonna ruin my grouch mojo! GUY: And it looks like Oscar has chosen a shot put to throw. Can he throw such a heavy thing really far? (In the Sesame dugout.) COOKIE: Why is Oscar competing in this event?! GONGER: He asked me to put him in. COOKIE: Why is he even on our team?! You know grouches hate to win! Knowing Oscar, he’ll probably throw the game! GONGER: But Cookie. Isn’t this a throwing event? COOKIE: Me mean Oscar might lose on purpose! GONGER: Don’t worry, Cookie. Oscar gave me his grouch’s word that he’ll throw that ball as hard as he can. Otherwise, he’ll give up being a grouch forever. COOKIE: Oscar actually said that? Well, maybe we got nothing to worry about. Oscar would never give up his grouchy ways. GUY: It looks like Oscar is starting up this throw. OSCAR: Here’s the wind up and the pitch. And off you go! (Oscar throws the ball.) GUY: And look at that ball fly! It’s now flying over the crowd! It looks like it might even leave the stadium. (Suddenly, the ball explodes and a storm of yucky garbage lands on the crowd making them all messy.) WALDORF(wiping off the last of the cream): We did it, Statler. We’re all clean again. STATLER(looking up at the sky): You had to say those words, didn’t you? (Garbage ends up falling on the two old men making them messy once again.) GUY: Uh oh! It turns out that wasn’t a shot put Oscar threw after all. Just a huge exploding garbage ball! According to the judges, the Sesame team has just been disqualified for that stunt! (Everyone boos while Oscar proudly waves at them.) OSCAR: Talk about an ungrateful crowd. I gave you all some of my best trash. (The crowd starts to throw the trash back at Oscar.) You’re even returning it to me! Oh well. More trash for me! (An angry Ernie and Bert approach Oscar.) BERT: Oscar, what did you just do?! ERNIE: Yeah, you promised me! OSCAR: Hey, I only promised you that I’d throw the ball as hard as I could. But I didn’t say what kind of ball! Heh heh heh! Now if you’ll excuse me. I’m off to relax in a trash pile to celebrate a nice non-victory. (Oscar ducks down in his can, sprouts out his feet, and runs off while an angry Bert screams and chases after him while banging on his trash can lid.) ERNIE: And Bert hates it when I make that sound on my drums. * * * * * * (Meanwhile, Ted was still trying to decide what object to throw.) TED: Oh dear. I can’t decide! I can’t decide! I CAN’T DECIDE! (Then Ted’s wife, Dorothy, walks in.) DOROTHY: Hi Ted. Are you hoping you’ll do well in your event? A BLUSHING TED: Oh, hi Dorothy. Yeah, I’m hoping I’ll do well too. DOROTHY: I just want you to know that I’ll be cheering for you to win. TED: Thanks Dorothy. DOROTHY: That’s okay. Any cheer from you, big or small, makes me feel wonderful. And I hope I can do the same for you. (Ted just stands there silently while hearts dance around him and he starts stroking the hammer ball he was next to.) DOROTHY: Oh, are you going to choose the hammer ball to throw? TED(snapping out of his love trance): Oh this. Do you want me to? DOROTHY: Why not? I always thought hammer throwers were very cool and interesting. TED: Okay, the hammer throw it is. DOROTHY: Wonderful, I can’t wait to watch you. See you later. (And she walks back to the dugout.) (Ted pulls on the metal wire attached to the hammer ball. But the ball was so heavy, that it landed on the ground with a THUD!) TED(gasping): I gotta do this, for Dorothy! (Ted starts to drag the heavy ball onto the field.) GUY: And here’s comes Ted, the thrower for the lemur Team. And he’s chosen a hammer throw ball. KING JULIEN: Why is Ted choosing that?! I never trained him how to throw one of those heavy things! CLOVER: I think I might know why. (The lemurs turn over to Dorothy, who starts cheering for Ted.) GUY: Now Ted is in the ring. And he’s getting ready to hurl the hammer ball. But wait, he’s not even starting! (Ted tries to pull the ball off the ground, but it was too heavy for him.) GUY: Uh oh! Maybe this little lemur should’ve chosen something lighter, like my stock broker’s brain. (Ted looks up and sees his fellow teammates looking concerned, then over to Dorothy who was looking really worried and sad for him.) TED: (screams the following four words) THIS IS FOR DOROTHY!!!! (Ted’s little heart suddenly grew into a huge pumping muscle as he finally pulled the hammer ball off the ground and started swinging it around like a ceiling fan.) GUY: Whoa! Look at Ted go! He’s spinning like an out of control merry go round. Now he’s launched the ball, and look at it fly into the sky. And it’s going over the crowd! (The lemurs in the dugout start to cheer, especially Dorothy.) GUY: And there’s something that seems to be attached to the end of the handle. Something small and furry. Maybe Ted tied some kind of love banner on it before throwing to show his affection for a certain girl. (The lemurs look happy for Dorothy as she blushed.) GUY: Wait a minute, we have a camera close up of the ball and it’s not a banner, it’s Ted! Somehow, he didn’t let go of the handle and he’s flying along with the hammer ball he just threw! (The TV monitor shows Ted hanging onto the flying hammer ball with his dear life while he screams.) KING JULIEN: How’d this happen?! MORT: Knowing Ted, he couldn’t decide when to let go of the ball after throwing it! DOROTHY: Oh no! Poor Ted! GUY: And now Ted and his flying ball have flown out of the stadium and they seemed to have landed in the parking lot! Follow me, camera crew! (Guy and his crew rush out of the stadium exit while all the worried lemurs follow after him. And Mort follows after them carrying a huge medical kit.) * * * * * * (When they got to the parking lot, they found that Ted had landed safe and sound in a parked garbage truck.) KING JULIEN: Ted, are you okay? (Ted raises his head out of the garbage with a banana peel on his head.) TED: Yeah, I think so. Luckily this trash heap saved me. A PUZZLED GUY: A trash heap saving lemur lives?! Hmmm, must be a strange thing. (Guy listens to his earpiece.) According to the judges, Ted has throw his object the furthest making the lemur team the winner! TED(climbing out of the truck): What, you mean I won?!!! (The lemurs start cheering for Ted as they picked him up and carried him back to the stadium. But then they stopped cheering and shouted, “PU!” and they dropped him onto the ground.) CLOVER: Sorry, Ted. But I think we’re actually gonna take Mort’s advice and not touch a stinky lemur, especially an aye-aye. No offense, Maurice. MAURICE: None taken. (Ted starts to sniff himself and frowns.) TED: Eyeew! I don’t blame you! (Everyone quickly backed away, except for Dorothy who started hugging Ted.) TED: Dorothy, you’re sticking by me? But I’m so smelly! DOROTHY: Don’t worry, Ted. I’ll stick by you no matter how filthy you are! (And she gives Ted a quick kiss on his dirty cheek, making him all lovestruck. Half of the lemurs watching go, “AWWWW!” While the other half hold their noses and go, “EYEWWW!”) OSCAR(rising from the garbage): Will you fuzzballs cut out the disgusting happyfest? I’m trying to meditate in my little trash spa! (And he climbs out of the truck carrying what looks like another shot put ball.) GUY(with a clothespin on his nose): And dere you haf id spords fans. Dis is Guy Smiley brinink you bag do Prock! * * * * * * (We see Brock Pearson and Claire Wheeler wearing raincoats while trying to mop their rain soaked booth dry.) BROCK PEARSON: Well Guy, we were too busy mopping up the Countess’s indoor storm to know what happened with today’s event. So let’s go to Phil with the scoring. * * * * * * PHIL: Well Lewis. With the lemur team winning today’s event, the Muppet and lemur teams are tied with 2 points each. * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: And there you have it sports fans, another tie by all six teams. But can at least one of them come out the big winner once this tournament is over? Find out on Day 9 of Battle of the TV Slash Movie All-Stars. (Claire Wheeler looks at the now clean booth and wipes her brow) CLAIRE WHEELER: I’m glad this place is clean and dry again. We should get a reward for all our hard work. (Just then, a ball flies through the door and she catches it.) CLAIRE WHEELER: Hey, look Brock. We did get a reward. Somebody threw us a nice black ball. (Brock Pearson looks at the ball and reads the writing on it.) BROCK PEARSON: Just a small filthy gift from OSCAR?!!! Quick, Claire! Throw that ball out of here! CLAIRE WHEELER: All right. Should I use my backhand? BROCK PEARSON: JUST THROW IT!!! (Before Claire Wheeler could throw it out the door, the ball exploded and covered the entire booth with garbage.) CLAIRE WHEELER(with coffee grounds on her head): Oh no! And after all that hard work to clean up this place! BROCK PEARSON(with an old sock on his nose): And trash pickup isn’t till Thursday! YUCK!!! OSCAR(peeking his head in the door): You two are just as ungrateful about my trash as that crowd! Oh well. (Oscar takes out a shovel and starts scooping the trash back into his can.) A DIRT COVERED BROCK PEARSON: Camera off! (Camera goes off.) Day 9 BROCK PEARSON: Welcome back, sports fans, to Day 9 of Battle of the TV Slash Movie All-Stars. I’m Brock Pearson. CLAIRE WHEELER(wearing a helmet and body padding): And I’m your heavily protected Claire Wheeler. BROCK PEARSON: Claire, what’s with all the armor? Why am I asking that? Of course I know why! CLAIRE WHEELER: That’s right. I thought ahead today. I’m fully prepared if something falls on me. BROCK PEARSON: But what if another monster tries to eat you? (Just then, the big giant monster known as Rrrarrgh enters the booth.) RRRARRGH: RRRARRGH! (Rrrarrgh grabs Claire Wheeler by the neck while she just looks at him with no fear at all. And just as he was about to eat her, Rrrarrgh scrunched up his huge mouth.) RRRARRGH: Eyyech! RRRARRGH! (Rrrarrgh leaves the booth.) BROCK PEARSON: That was amazing, Claire! How did you get that behemoth to leave you alone? (Claire Wheeler just smiles and takes out a bottle) CLAIRE WHEELER: It’s all thanks to Dr. Honeydew’s patented monster repellent. It protects humans from getting eaten by ferocious monsters on the street or in announcer booths. BROCK PEARSON: Well this is certainly wonderful news to people who are monsterphobics. And speaking of monsters, here’s our friendly little monster, Telly, bringing you an update on the cross country bike race. * * * * * * (We see Telly standing in the woods.) TELLY: Thank you, Brock. This is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, bringing you the latest bike race update. Right now, I’m in the woods where our cyclists will be passing through here. And here comes the first one. Pedaling in the lead is Mr. Herriman. MR. HERRIMAN: I just love riding through Mother Nature’s territory. Green trees, brown bark, birds chirping, and a cute little rabbit making panicking noises. Wait a minute? (A spastic white rabbit runs up to Mr. Herriman in a panic.) RABBIT: Excuse me! But do you know if there’s a doctor in the forest?! MR. HERRIMAN: Why, I happen to be a doctor. What can I do for you, son? RABBIT: It’s my wife! She’s about to give birth, but there’re no phones around here to call an ambulance! MR. HERRIMAN: Stay calm, son. Lead me to her and old Mr. Herriman will save the day. RABBIT: Bless you, doctor. Right this way. (The rabbit leads Mr. Herriman to his burrow while Telly follows after them.) TELLY: Excuse me, Mr. Herriman. But don’t you know you’re in a race right now? You could go from the lead to last place. MR. HERRIMAN: I know that, Master Telly. I’m a partial doctor first and a biker second. But don’t worry, this shouldn’t take long. (Telly watches Mr. Herriman and the rabbit go down into the ground.) TELLY: Doesn’t that make your heart melt? This noble doctor is giving up his lead to help out a future mother rabbit who’s about to give birth any minute. If you’ll please get back to me later, Brock, I’ll give you the latest report. * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: Sure thing, Telly. And while we’re waiting on what will happen with the good imaginary rabbit, here’s junior reporter, Prairie Dawn, bringing you today’s event. * * * * * * BAKE OFF: * * * * * * (We see Prairie Dawn in the stadium next to some competitors near ovens.) PRAIRIE: Thank you, Mr. Pearson. Hello, this is Prairie Dawn bringing you today’s event which is a bake off. This is a perfect chance for certain people who are not very athletic to compete in something they are talented at, making delicious treats. (Cookie Monster suddenly barges in.) COOKIE: Oh, me want treats! Let me at them! PRAIRIE(pushing Cookie back): But Cookie Monster, you are not competing in this event. Your team already has someone competing. COOKIE: Me just want to taste and judge each dish! Oh please! PRAIRIE: But we already have a panel of blue ribbon judges who will taste each treat. You cannot judge because you are a member of the Sesame Street team and that would be unfair to the other teams if you were a judge. COOKIE: Me just want little taste of everything. Me even promise to hold nose while eating so me won’t know what each food taste like! That way me won’t judge which is best. PRAIRIE: Sorry, Charlie! That won’t fly in my book. Monster patrol! (A purple guy in an orange monster patrol uniform appears and sprays monster repellent at Cookie Monster.) COOKIE: BLEECH! Okay, me go! You don’t have to get forceful! PRAIRIE(speaking to the monster patrolman): Thank you, that will be all. (The man tips his hat and leaves.) PRAIRIE: Now let us meet the contestants for each event. Competing for the Sesame Street team is Big Bird. BIG BIRD: Oh, hi Prairie. How are you? (We see Big Bird wearing an apron while mixing something on top of the oven.) PRAIRIE: Hello, Big Bird. I am fine. Can you tell our viewers out there what you are making? It looks like some kind of cookie dough. BIG BIRD: It is. I’m going to be baking some cookies that my Granny Bird taught me how to bake some time ago. PRAIRIE: How wonderful. What kind of cookies will you be making, chocolate chip, walnut, or oatmeal? (Cookie peeks from behind the corner.) COOKIE: Oh, must she torture me with those sweet words?!! BIG BIRD: Oh no. I’m making the best kind of all. Birdseed Cookies! (Big Bird starts to pour a whole bag of birdseed into the mixing bowl.) PRAIRIE: Birdseed cookies?! Yechh! BIG BIRD: What did you just say? PRAIRIE: Oh, I said, “Yes that is birdseed all right. And I hope the judges REALLY show kindness for you. Honestly.” BIG BIRD: Aw, thank you for your support, Prairie. Care to lick the spoon? (Big Bird hands Prairie a birdseed coated spoon while Prairie frowns.) PRAIRIE: Uh, I wish I could, but I cannot. We reporters have rules about eating while on duty. CAMERAMAN IN THE BACK: No you don’t. I’ve see you eat candy bars a lot while reporting. PRAIRIE: Do you want to see your next paycheck?! Um, thank you, Big Bird, but now we have to interview the other competitors. (Prairie grabs the cameraman by the shirt and drags him away.) * * * * * * COOKIE: Even birdseed cookies sound delicious. If only me were a judge. Let’s see, how do you sign right forms and cut through red tape to be judge? (Then a light bulb appears over Cookie’s head.) ME KNOW! (Cookie rushes off, but then comes back to grab the hovering light bulb and then eats it.) Nice, light snack! (Then he rushes off again.) * * * * * * PRAIRIE: Next, we go to the oven where the baker for the Foster’s team is working on her entry. And it’s the very founder of the very establishment called Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends known for keeping abandoned imaginary friends, Madame Foster. (We see Madame Foster on top of the oven.) PRAIRIE: Hello, Madame Foster. MADAME FOSTER: Oh, hello Dearie. (Madame Foster takes one step back, then realizes she was about to sit down on one of the top burners.) Oh dear! I’m glad I noticed that in time. This old gal doesn’t need another burn scar in her old age. PRAIRIE: You seem to have your hands full trying to operate a huge oven like that. Are you sure you would not want to operate an oven your size? I have one in my dollhouse that is perfect for you. MADAME FOSTER: Oh no, sweetie. Thank you for your offer, but I need an oven for my special treat that I only make once a year I’m making, otherwise they wouldn’t be special. PRAIRIE: Wow! I didn’t know anybody can make something that is only made every once in a great while. MADAME FOSTER: And this is the time of the year that I will be baking them. PRAIRE: Come again? (Just then, the oven timer goes off.) MADAME FOSTER: Ah, it’s ready. Be a dear and take it out of the stove for me, please? (Prairie takes an oven mitt, opens the door, and takes out something that’s huge and round.) PRAIRIE: Wow, look at that! It looks like ordinary cookies. MADAME FOSTER: Exactly! But, I make them sugar-free. PRAIRIE: This is amazing! So what are the rest of the recipe to make those cookies? MADAME FOSTER: The recipe for making my special cookies is secret. You wouldn’t be interested. PRAIRIE(making a funny face): How very interesting. I hope the judges will like their very special feast. (Then Prairie walks over to what looks like a huge white medical tent.) PRAIRIE: This was supposed to be the spot where SpongeBob, the team captain of his team is supposed to be baking his entry. But this huge tent is here instead. (Prairie knocks on the tent flap and SpongeBob comes out wearing a white coat, hat, rubber gloves, and a surgical mask.) SPONGEBOB: Can I help you? PRAIRIE: Yes, I would like to interview you and see what you are making. May I please come in? SPONGEBOB: Well, okay. But first you have to put this stuff on. (He hands Prairie the same stuff he’s wearing.) PRAIRIE: But, why? SPONGEBOB: Because I don’t want you bringing in any evil planktons that might infect my dish! PRAIRIE: Oh, very well. (Prairie puts on the white coat, hat, rubber gloves, and mask.) I feel like a member of Scrubs! SPONGEBOB: I almost forgot! Your cameraman will have to wear the same thing too! (SpongeBob hands Prairie another set of clothes.) PRAIRIE: You heard the sponge. Suit up! (Soon booth Prairie and the cameraman were dressed up and ready to enter SpongeBob’s plankton free tent.) SPONGEBOB: Perfect. You’re both germ free. But just to be really sure… (SpongeBob takes a spray can and sprays both Prairie and the cameraman, making the picture fuzzy.) PRAIRIE: Oh dear! (Prairie wipes the camera lens clear and then she talks to SpongeBob.) You seem to have a big thing about pests, don’t you? SPONGEBOB: You bet I do! Planktons are the vilest creatures on the face of the Earth! Never underestimate the tiniest of all evil! I don’t want them sabotaging my entry! PRAIRIE: And just what is it you are baking? SPONGEBOB: I’ll show you if you keep your breath to yourself. (SpongeBob leads Prairie to an oven where two fishes in the same plankton protection clothes were standing in front of it. They raised their spray cans at Prairie.) SPONGEBOB: It’s okay men, she’s been sterilized! (The two fishes step aside showing a baked Krabby patty through the oven window. PRAIRIE: Why, it is a Krabby patty. SPONGEBOB: It’s an baked artichoke Krabby patty, the newest Krabby patty I just invented. PRAIRIE: I am sure the judges might find this an interesting treat to eat. SPONGEBOB: Just as long as those judges brush their teeth and use mouth wash before eating. I don’t want pests getting into my patty when they start chewing it. PRAIRIE(looking funny at SpongeBob): And there you have it, sports fans. A sponge who tries to make his goods pest free! SPONGEBOB: Otherwise, they wouldn’t be goods, they’d be BADS! Yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi! A little baker’s joke! (Prairie sighs as she and the cameraman leave the tent and get out of their plankton protection clothes. Then Prairie heads over to the next oven.) PRAIRIE: Next, we go to the oven where the baker for the Phineas team is working on her entry. And it’s Phineas and Ferb’s own sister, Candace Flynn. (We see the teenage girl with orange hair and wearing a red shirt near her oven.) PRAIRIE: Hello, Ms. Flynn. CANDACE: Oh, hello Ms. Dawn. (Candace takes one step back, then realizes she was about to sit down on one of the top burners.) Oh dear! I’m glad I noticed that in time. PRAIRIE: You seem to be kept busy trying to operate a huge oven like that. Are you sure you would not want to operate an oven regular size? CANDACE: Not at all. Thanks anyway, but I need a really big oven for the big treat I’m making. It’s something as big as my boyfriend. PRAIRIE: Oh my! I do not think a person any size can make something as big as your boyfriend. CANDACE: Actually, I was kind of exaggerating. I meant to say it’s like Jeremy. PRAIRE: Come again? (Just then, the oven timer goes off.) CANDACE: Ah, it’s ready. Do you mind taking it out of the stove for me, please? (Prairie takes an oven mitt, opens the door, and takes out something that’s huge and shaped like a teenage boy.) PRAIRIE: Wow, look at this thing! It looks like your boyfriend. (She starts sniffing it.) And it smells like cheese. CANDACE: Exactly! It’s a giant cheese replica of my boyfriend Jeremy. PRAIRIE: This is amazing! And it looks like every part is made from a different cheese. CANDACE: That’s right, Prairie. I have String cheese shaped like his hair, American cheese shaped like his eyebrows, Gouda shaped like his face, Blue cheese shaped like his eyes, Brie shaped like nose, Cheddar shaped like his ears, and Limburger for his arms and legs. PRAIRIE: This is so fascinating! What are his shoes made of? CANDACE: I combined some Mozzarella, Asiago, and goat cheese together. I even sprinkled some Macadamia Nut cheese to get the actual flavor. PRAIRIE: What about his clothes? CANDACE: For the pants, I added some Gorgonzola for his pants, and some Pimento cheese for his T-shirt. But the real shirt part was tricky. I couldn’t think of a specific kind of cheese that is green at the time. But thanks to Buford looking for kinds of cheese on the Internet to make some cheese puns, I asked him if there’s a kind of green cheese, and thankfully, there is: Aged Cashew Nut and Kale Cheese. PRAIRIE(making a funny face): How very interesting. I hope the judges will like their cheesy feast. (Then Prairie walks over to the next oven.) PRAIRIE: Now we have the spot where Dorothy from the lemur team who is supposed to be baking her entry. (Dorothy comes out.) DOROTHY: How can I help? PRAIRIE: Yes, I want to tell you what you are making. DOROTHY: Well, okay. PRAIRIE: You happen to be good at making cuisine in a jungle, aren’t you? DOROTHY: Certainly! My husband, Ted, requested me to make my specialty. PRAIRIE: And just what is it you are baking? DOROTHY: I’ll show you. (Dorothy leads Prairie to the oven and she shows a quiche through the oven window.) PRAIRIE: Why, it’s quiche. BOOBER: It’s mango quiche, one of my most favorite things to bake. PRAIRIE: I believe the judges would think of it very interesting. DOROTHY: Just as long as those judges don’t eat quiche with imposter diaper criminals. (Prairie heads over to the final oven.) PRAIRIE: And finally, competing for The Muppet team is the team’s own personal chef, The Swedish Chef. (We see the Swedish Chef singing in Mock Swedish while dancing around holding two wire whisks.) CHEF: BORK BORK BORK! (He ends up tossing the whisks and one of them almost hits Prairie.) PRAIRIE: Watch it, will you? CHEF: Soo-ree! PRAIRIE: Well, Mr. Chef. Care to share with our viewers what kind of recipe will you be cooking for our judges? CHEF: Enga bonga nonga zeenga cook de Oopsy-Daisy Cake! PRAIRIE: Oopsy-Daisy Cake? Oh, you must mean Upside-down cake. CHEF: Ya! Oopsy-Daisy Cake! PRAIRIE: Can you show our viewers how you will make your cake? CHEF: Ya, ya! Foost, teek de white iggies. (Chef takes out two eggs.) PRAIRIE(speaking to the camera): He means eggs. (She then notices the Chef cracking the eggs over the trashcan, causing the yolks to drop inside.) A PUZZLED PRAIRIE: Um, excuse me Mr. Chef. But that is the trashcan. You really should be putting those egg yolks in your mixing bowl. CHEF: Noo noo! Yooks goo indee treesh! Iggie shools goo indee bool! (Chef drops the two broken egg shells into the mixing bowl.) PRAIRIE: No, you are not supposed to put the shells into the mix! CHEF: Ya, ya! Shools ur goo! In fooct, here ur mur shools! (Chef takes out a bowl of walnuts.) PRAIRIE: So the recipe also calls for walnuts too? But I do not see a nutcracker on your table. CHEF: Goot nootcreeker root here! (Chef takes out a sledgehammer and starts smashing the nuts along with the table they were sitting on.) PRAIRIE: Oh dear! CHEF: Ya, ya! Nooties ull smooshed doo beats! (The Chef picks up all the nut shells and puts them in the mix as well.) PRAIRIE: You mean you’re putting more shells into the mix?! CHEF: Dats noot ull! Nooxt cooms de bananana-nanana-nanana! (The Chef starts peeling a banana and throws the peel into the mix.) PRAIRIE: That is the peel you just threw in. You are supposed to throw the inside of the bananana-nanana-nanana-nananan, I mean, the banana in the mix! CHEF: EYEEEEEW! (And he throws the bare banana away somewhere on the field and then takes a huge pineapple.) PRAIRIE: Oh no! Do not tell me that you are going to throw out the insides and put the prickly pineapple skin into your mix as well?! CHEF: HO HO HO HO! Dats ridicooloos! De whool peenoople gooze in! (Chef tries to cram the huge pineapple into the small bowl. Then Chef puts the bowl on the ground and starts to stomp into the mix with his bare feet.) A HORRIFIED PRAIRIE: What are you doing?! CHEF: Joost smooshing the moox! La la la la! OOCH! (Chef sits down on the stool and sees some pineapple prickles on his feet. He picks off the prickles and continues stomping while singing.) PRAIRIE: Now I see why you are calling it an Oopsy-Daisy Cake! Because it starts with one big OOPS! I am out of here! (Prairie and the cameraman leave the Chef and his slightly odd baking strategies.) PRAIRIE: While our bakers are finishing up their unusual recipes, let us meet our blue ribbon panel of celebrity judges who will taste each and every one of them. Oh, I sure hope these will not be the last time we will see them! (Prairie approached a dining table where three judges are waiting to eat.) PRAIRIE: Our first judge is that famous opera singing bird, Placido Flamingo. PLACIDO: Figaro! Figaro! I am a Figaro Flamingo! PRAIRIE: Our second judge is that celebrated actress, Meryl Sheep. MERYL: Baa! That is correct, ya? PRAIRIE: And our third judge is the grouch with the most trash, Donald Grump. (Instead of Donald, we see Cookie Monster dressed in an orange wig, a messy suit, and a pair of fake eyebrows ripped off from an old pair of Groncho glasses.) COOKIE: Me have more trash than anyone! Now scram! PRAIRIE: Wait a minute! You do not look like Donald Trump! COOKIE: How can you say that! Me feelings are hurt! Me like it! PRAIRIE: It is just that I have never seen you with blue fur before. COOKIE: Me was in hurry. No time for bikini wax! (The real Donald Grump marches in.) DONALD: Hold it right there, imposter! COOKIE: Uh oh! Me busted! PRAIRIE: Wait a minute! What is going on here? DONALD: A furry blue monster told me there was a surprise for me in the broom closet. But when I stepped inside, he slammed the door and locked me in! Luckily, a passing staff member heard my yucky cries and let me out. I don’t care about helping others. PRAIRIE: A furry blue monster, eh? (Prairie pulls off the Groucho eyebrows and reveals Cookie Monster.) COOKIE: Um, Me big Grump fan and wanted to be like him? DONALD: Oh really? I’m unflattered. PRAIRIE(sighing and then shouting out): MONSTER PATROL! COOKIE: Oh, bye bye! (Cookie runs away while the same monster patrolman chases after him.) (Cookie spies some huge medicine balls and curls up into a huge furry ball, causing the patrolman to run past him.) COOKIE(uncurling himself): Wheh! That close! Oh, if only there was some way me can taste those goodies! (Cookie then spies the unpeeled banana The Swedish Chef threw away.) COOKIE: At least me get some potassium. (Cookie was about to approach the banana until the referee walks by and accidentally slips on the mushy banana and ends up bumping his head on the ground. Cookie rushes to the referee’s aid.) COOKIE: You okay, Mr. Referee? REFEREE(with a dazed look): Wow! Someone actually slipped on a banana instead of a peel! (Then he faints.) COOKIE: Oh, poor referee! He really needs some rest right now. Someone needs to take his place. THAT’S IT! (Cookie then drags the unconscious referee to an empty locker room.) * * * * * * (Soon, all the bakers had finished their recipes and were waiting for their goods to cool.) CHEF: Foonally, muh moosterpeecee iz doon! (Chef takes out a horrible looking brown mutated cake covered with shell shards, banana peel bits, and pineapple prickles.) * * * * * * WALDORF: You know Statler, seeing the Chef’s cake makes me think of that old saying. STATLER: What’s that? WALDORF: Having your cake and dying from it too! W & S: HAW HAW HAW HAW! * * * * * * BIG BIRD(taking out a hot tray): At last, my birdseed cookies are done. Granny Bird would be proud of me. COOKIE’S VOICE: Attention all bakers! (Big Bird, Madame Foster, SpongeBob, Candace, Dorothy, and The Chef turn around and see Cookie Monster disguised as the referee, dressed in a black and white striped shirt and whistle. And he had on a black wig and black mustache.) CANDACE: Is there a problem, Mr. Ref? COOKIE: Just one little rule me want to mention. Before you present goodies to judges, you must wash hands. It part of good hygiene. BIG BIRD: But I don’t have hands, just wings. COOKIE: Wings count too. SPONGEBOB: You all heard the referee. You should always have clean hands or wings at all times, especially when dealing with food. MADAME FOSTER: I agree. Grandma’s have to set a good example to you know? CHEF(checking out his dirty, prickly, hands.) Ya, ya! To de moon’s boothroom! BIG BIRD: Moon’s Boothroom? What’s a boothroom and why is it on the moon? CANDACE: I believe he said men’s bathroom in Mock Swedish. BIG BIRD: Oh yeah! DOROTHY: And I should be going to the women’s bathroom, or the woomoon’s boothroom in Mock Swedish. CHEF: Ya ya! (The six bakers leave their ovens and entries to get their hands and wings washed, leaving Cookie Monster alone with the food. Cookie looks over at Prairie who was still busy interviewing the judges to turn around.) COOKIE: All clear! COWA- Oops, better whisper it. Cowabunga! (Cookie rushes over to Big Bird’s birdseed cookies and Madame Foster’s cookies and starts gobbling them all up.) Oh, that’s so good! Big Bird is sure to win event, if me hadn’t eaten all cookies. Oh look, teenage boy shaped like cheese! (Cookie then rushes over to Candace’s cheese Jeremy replica and takes a bite out of his hair.) COOKIE: What they say is true! Gonger’s right. Hair truly is angel! (He continues to eat the entire replica until all there was left was a cheesy red core.) That one way of journey to reach center of Jeremy! (And he swallows the core as well. Cookie was about to approach Dorothy’s quiche until he sees the bakers coming back.) COOKIE: Uh, oh! Me better speed this along! (Cookie takes out a remote control and hits the fast forward button. He starts to eat up the quiche, SpongeBob’s baked patty, and the Chef’s cake in fast motion. Then Cookie goes over to the corner to lie down and rub his stomach in pain.) BIG BIRD: Hey, what happened to my cookies?! CHEF: Oh, Oopsy-Daisy Cake! Wer yoo goo?! CANDACE: What happened to my Jeremy?! (She starts crying) MADAME FOSTER: And my freshly baked cookies I only make once a year, too! Oh well. There’s always next year. SPONGEBOB: I knew it! The planktons took away our food! DOROTHY: You can’t leave your eyes off of them for even a minute! PRAIRIE: Excuse me, contestants. But the judges are waiting for you to bring them your entries. BIG BIRD: I’m sorry, Prairie. But all our food is gone! PRAIRIE: What do you mean gone?! All six foods could not have disappeared all at once! MADAME FOSTER: Hey, there’s the referee over there. Maybe he saw what happened to our goodies. (Prairie and the bakers rush over to Cookie Monster, who was rubbing his now expanded stomach.) MADAME FOSTER: Pardon us, Mr. Referee. But did you see what happened to all our food while we were washing our hands? SPONGEBOB: The germs took them away, right? COOKIE: Uh, yeah, that’s it! Me saw little germs run away with oh-so delicious food. PRAIRIE: But how can you see germs? They are very microscopic. COOKIE: Um, Me googly eyes have magic powers? BURP! PRAIRIE: Googly eyes?! And I recognize that burp! (Prairie goes over and rips off Cookie’s false mustache.) COOKIE MONSTER!!!!! COOKIE: Uh, oh. Me busted again! PRAIRIE: And I ought to bust you like a balloon for eating all the entries for this contest! BIG BIRD: Cookie, how could you?! I thought we were on the same team?! (The Chef takes out a rolling pin, shouts out a lot of angry Mock Swedish curse words, and was about to flatten the monster. Just then, Cookie makes out another loud, “BURP!” releasing a cloud of brown gas. The Chef sniffs the gas, drops his rolling pin and smiles.) PRAIRIE: What is it, Chef? CHEF: It’s muh Oopsy-Daisy Cake! In goose form! (All the others take a whiff of the gas as well and then frown at The Chef’s horrible baking.) BIG BIRD: It doesn’t smell or even look like a goose at all. I should know for I have cousins who are geese. CANDACE: I believe what The Chef was saying that his cake is in gas form. PRAIRIE: Yes, this gas does smell like The Chef’s unusual cake. (She quickly covers her nose.) (Just then, Cookie started belching out five more gas clouds.) BIG BIRD: Hey, this gas smells like my birdseed cookies. MADAME FOSTER: And this one smells like my cookies I only bake once a year. CANDACE: And this one smells like my Jeremy. I even smell the Limburger I made to look like him. SPONGEBOB: And I smell my poor baked patty. Oh, he had to leave so quickly in life! DOROTHY: And I smell my quiche, too. PRAIRIE: Cookie, do you mean you can burp out the stuff you just ate in separate gases? COOKIE: Me no like to brag, but…. PRAIRIE: That is it! Everyone! Help me get Cookie over to the judges’ table! (Everyone lifted up the full Cookie Monster and rushed him over to the table where Placido, Meryl, and Donald were waiting.) PLACIDO: A Cookie Monster shaped cake! How splendid! DONALD: And it looks so plump. MERYL: Ya, I fear if I eat this, I may not be able to fit in my wool coat anymore. PRAIRIE: Uh, judges. There has been a slight alteration of plans. This monster has eaten all the bakers’ entries before they had a chance to reach your table. PLACIDO: You mean we don’t get to eat these fine bakers’ delicious recipes? What a disappointment! DONALD: I’ll say. Those foods are unappetizing anyway. MERYL: It looks like I won’t have to go off my diet after all. PRAIRIE: But do not worry. Cookie Monster will just belch out the smells of each recipe and you can sniff them and choose which one is best. What do you say? DONALD: You mean he’s gonna belch in our faces?! Awesome! PLACIDO: I suppose smelling delicious food is better than nothing. MERYL: Ya, I can go with that. Though belching sounds disgusting, at least the smells might be better than the sounds. DONALD(sighing): I suppose I’m in too, for the sake of GSPN. MERYL: What’s that stand for? DONALD: Grouch Sports Programming Network! (laughs menacingly) PRAIRIE: It looks like the bake off is still on. All right, Cookie Monster. Can you belch out Big Bird’s birdseed cookie gas? COOKIE: Let me adjust stomach first. (Cookie starts wiggling and moving his stomach around like he was trying to find an object in a huge sack.) There cookie gas. BURP! (Cookie releases some gas shaped like cookies and the three judges start to smell them.) PLACIDO: Ah, yes! They are very sweet smelling birdseed cookies. Just like the ones my own Mamma used to make. MAMA MIA! MAMA MIA! BIG BIRD(blushing): Aw! Thank you, Mr. Flamingo. PRAIRIE: Okay, Cookie. Now release SpongeBob’s baked patty smell. (Cookie belches out another gas cloud shaped like a soufflé and the judges sniff it.) A NERVOUS SPONGEBOB: That patty cloud is sure to attract Plankton big time! DONALD: What a very pleasant smell. MERYL: Ya, I like this smell judging more than tasting. It’s low in carbs. PLACIDO: This is certainly one artichoke smell that I won’t, if you’ll excuse the pun, CHOKE on. Ha ha ha! PRAIRIE: Now Cookie, release Candace’s cheese Jeremy smell. (Cookie complied and belched out a gas shaped like a cheesy world. And our judges sniffed that as well.) DONALD: Wow, so many stinky cheesy smells tickling my snout. PLACIDO: So many different cheeses of the world. It is like I’m on tour of each country right now. MERYL: Ya, and smelling delicious cheeses is good for those who are lactose intolerant and cannot eat cheese. PRAIRIE: Okay, Cookie. There’s one last smell to get over with. The Chef’s Oopsy-Daisy Cake. (Prairie starts whispering to the camera.) I’m just thankful our judges will just have to smell it instead of tasting it. (Cookie belches out the final gas cloud that was shaped like a mangled cake. The judges sniff the last cloud and make horrible frowns.) DONALD: Eyeeww! What a stench! There’s nothing better! MERYL: Ya! How awful! It smells like someone had put their stinky feet in the mixing bowl! PLACIDO: And that smell makes me want to sing the blues instead of the opera! How gastly! COOKIE: To tell you all truth, me had better. A LOT BETTER! (Hearing these insulting words, The Chef angrily picks up a pot and a rolling pin and starts charging at the judges’ table shouting more angry Mock Swedish curse words! They start shaking in fear as the angry chef gets closer and closer.) PRAIRIE: Oh dear! Hostile Swedish Chef Patrol! (The same monster patrolman reappears and sprays a different spray at the Chef causing him to stop, scrunch up his face, and run away in panic.) PRAIRIE: Whew, I sure am glad Dr. Honeydew also created that Hostile Swedish Chef repellent the same day he created that monster repellent. Okay judges, go ahead and make your decision. (The three judges bunch together and discus which smell they liked the best.) PLACIDO: We have decided. Even though some of us were disappointed that we could not actually eat the delicious things we just smelled, we were also thankful we could not eat the things we did not really want to eat. Like a certain cake made by a hostile chef. DONALD: But we’ve decided that the Cheese Jeremy we just smelled was totally out of this world! Although I like the Upside-Down Cake better. Come to think of it, the smell is much better than it looks. MERYL: Ya, we give the victory to the very talented Candace Flynn. (The crowd starts to cheer as Candace looks around surprised and proud. Then Donald Grump approaches Candace and gives her a golden spatula.) DONALD: And we award you with the Golden Spatula Award for winning the Battle of the TV Slash Movie All-Stars Bake Off! Congratulations! (Candace looks at the golden spatula with pride, while a tear falls from her eye. Then she looks over at her team’s dugout and sees her brothers, Phineas and Ferb, whistling and waving at her happily.) PHINEAS: Way to go, Candace! CANDACE: Thank you, everyone, especially my dear sweet brothers, Phineas and Ferb. Though I am kind of sad that no one here got to taste my cheese replica of Jeremy, except for that monster who may be greedy, but does have good taste, I am so glad that you still liked how my creation smelled. Maybe next time, I’ll cook up another cheese replica of my brothers.. PLACIDO: Wait, we almost forgot to give you your winning gold covered baker’s hat! (Placido places a large golden baker’s hat on Candace’s head. But it was so big for such a small mouse, that the hat completely covered her entire head.) DONALD: Um, make that your winning gold covered face! CANDACE: It feels kind of warm and cozy here. Like the first baker’s hat I first started baking in. PRAIRIE: And there you have it, sports fans. The bake off ends with Candace taking the victory! Despite how a certain Cookie Monster almost ruined everything! (Prairie turns over to Cookie Monster, who was still lying on the judges’ table still burping out gas clouds.) COOKIE: This might be good way to solve expensive gas prices! HA HA HA! BUUURRRRP! PRAIRIE(shaking her head): Oh dear! This is Prairie Dawn bringing you back to Brock Pearson and Claire Wheeler. * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: Thank you, Prairie. That certainly was a flavorful event we just saw. Now let’s go to Phil with today’s scoring. * * * * * * (Phil was too busy playing Space Invaders on an old game system and then started cheering.) PHIL: Yes! I scored 28, 992 points, I’M THE SAYTR! (Then he checks his earpiece) What, the scoring? Oh yeah! (Phil turns the knob on the chest and the Phineas section on the scoreboard starts blinking.) PHIL: Well Brock, it looks like the Phineas team has taken a huge lead with, 28, 992 points?! Oh my! They must’ve won the whole thing with that jumbo score. It’s the same as my Space Invaders score! Wait a minute. Oops! My bad! Hold on a minute, please! (Phil’s face turns red with embarrassment as he adjusts his knob again. The Phineas’s score dropped down to the correct score.) PHIL: Sorry about that everyone. But in truth, the Phineas team does have the lead right now. They’re leading with 2 points making the Phineas team tied with the Muppet team and the lemur team while the other teams are tied in second with 1 points each. Now back to you, Brock and Claire. * * * * * * CLAIRE WHEELER: Thank you, Phil. Well, sports fans, it looks like The Phineas team is in the lead right now. And speaking of that team, let’s see how, Mr. Herriman, another member of that same team is doing right now with our Monster on the Spot, Telly Monster. * * * * * * (We see Telly back in the woods, surrounded by a bunch of baby bunnies.) TELLY: Thank you, Mrs. Wheeler. Once again, this is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, bringing you another update. If you had seen earlier in the bike race, Mr. Herriman had a good lead, but he had to stop to help a mother rabbit who was about to give birth. The Mister had been at it for a long time pulling out baby bunnies by the dozens! In fact, he has been at it for so long, the other 3 bikers had passed him taking away his lead. But at least the noble Mr. Herriman has just delivered 123 baby bunnies. COUNT: No, make that 124 beautiful bouncing baby bunnies! HA HA HA HA! (Telly turns his head and sees the Count hugging some of the newborn bunnies.) TELLY: Count, why have you stopped? No, wait. Don’t tell me. You wanted to stop and count the bunnies, right? COUNT: Not only that, I love seeing newborn babies come into this world. It’s so heartwarming. (He starts tickling a baby bunny’s chin.) One coochy-coo! Two coochy-coos! (We see Mr. Herriman holding the last baby bunny while the mother bunny lies on the grass panting happily.) MR. HERRIMAN: Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Rabbit. You’re now the proud parents of 124 cute little baby bunnies. MRS. RABBIT: Oh, I’m so happy. Thank you, doctor! MR. RABBIT: Yeah, Mr. H. How can we ever repay you? MR. HERRIMAN(with a serious face): Just don’t ever ask me to baby sit, okay? (The rabbits just look at the serious doctor, but then Mr. Herriman begins to laugh out loud and the rabbit parents start to laugh too along with their 124 new children.) TELLY: There you have it, Mr. Herriman giving up his lead to help out his fellow woodland creatures, another sign of good sportsmanship. This is Telly, Your Monster on the Spot, bringing you back to Brock and Claire. (Telly then looks down and sees a baby bunny chewing on his microphone.) Please don’t chew on that. This is not a carrot, even though it has lots of iron in it. * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: Thank you, Telly. Boy Claire, this sure has been an exciting day. CLAIRE WHEELER: I’ll say. Lots of interesting foods were made, unusual belch clouds, newborn bunnies, and best of all, I didn’t get eaten today! (Then Big Mean Carl re-enters the booth.) CARL: Hi, again. I’m Carl, but I told you that already. And I’m gonna try and eat you again! (And he grabs Claire by the neck.) CLAIRE WHEELER: You can’t! I’m covered with monster repellant! CARL: I can now. Thanks to Dr. Bunsen Honeydew’s anti-monster repellant. When I spray it on me, it negates the smell of monster repellant. I asked Dr. Honeydew nicely if he’d make me some and he did because I was so polite. And now, IT’S CHOW TIME! CLAIRE WHEELER: OH NO! (Carl ends up swallowing the Newsman whole.) A NERVOUS BROCK PEARSON: Uh, um, this is Brock Pearson telling you to tune in next time for Day 10 of Battle of the TV Slash Movie AAAAAHH! (Carl ends up swallowing Lewis as well. Then Carl lets out a burp releasing two gas clouds that fly out of the booth’s window and down to the judges’ table where Placido and Meryl were still sitting there.) PLACIDO(sniffing the first cloud): That smells like a purple monster with a beak. MERYL(sniffing the second cloud): And that smells like a gray monster who was tenderized all her life. * * * * * * (Back in the booth, Carl waves to the crowd and says, “THANK YOU!” Then he grabs the camera, eats it, and the screen goes into static.) Day 10 BROCK PEARSON: Welcome back, sports fans, to Day 10 of Battle of the TV Slash Movie All-Stars. Once again, I am Brock Pearson. CLAIRE WHEELER(brushing his coat clean with a small brush): And I’m Claire Wheeler, who just came back from an interesting adventure she’d love to forget. BROCK PEARSON: You mean getting eaten and digested by a giant monster named Carl? CLAIRE WHEELER: I was hoping I’d forget that name. And don’t forget, he ate you too! AN IRKED BROCK PEARSON: You had to remind me, didn’t you? CLAIRE WHEELER: We were both lucky Carl eats lots of fiber! And unlucky too! BROCK PEARSON: Well, maybe this next scene will stop all that terrible human eating. Here with a public service announcement is that American eagle, Sam. * * * * * * (We see Sam Eagle standing at a podium while a crowd looks at him.) SAM: Ahem! My fellow Americans, as we are holding this sporting tournament, I would like to bring up a problem that cannot be ignored. It’s something that has made our once fine country a laughing stock of the world. It’s the constant obesity of America! (Sam clicks on a remote and a TV screen comes down. We see a bunch of overweight Muppets walking around, lots of huge monsters eating all sorts of unhealthy food and stuff that isn’t food like radios, stop signs, cars, and citizens.) SAM: Just look at all these overweight Americans! Are they not disgusting?! (Then on the screen, it shows Miss. Piggy lying on her bed, surrounded by boxes of chocolates. She sits up and it shows her with a chocolate mouth.) PIGGY: You’re dead meat, Baldy! Both the dark and white kinds! (A twitching Sam quickly turns off the TV.) SAM: So you see, we must put a stop to obesity and stop disgracing America! We should do sensible things like taking vending machines out of schools and offices, make cafeteria ladies serve only salads, close down fast food restaurants forever, and remove video games and TVs from children’s rooms and replace them all with aerobic equipment! That way we’ll have a much more slimmer and disciplined America and maybe Jay Leno will cease his constant America’s Too Fat jokes on his show! That is getting old. (Some of the audience members were frowning at Sam’s speech while others were holding onto their candy bars and soda cans.) SAM: And we’re in luck, for I have invited the President himself to come here and he has come up with a solution. Now, may I President you the present. No wait, I mean present you the President. Whew! Almost blew it there. (Sam steps back and in steps a really obese imaginary pen with a black lid for his hat, black hair, and is wearing a black suit and tie with a white shirt that looked like the buttons were going to bust any minute.) A SURPRISED SAM: Our great leader seems to have gained some weight. Maybe being on TV just makes him look slimmer. LIL LINCOLN: My fellow Americans. I do have a solution for all of you that will make you feel a lot better. A PROUD SAM: Yes, Mr. President. Work your magic. (The Abe Lincoln pen takes out a pastry from his coat pocket.) LIL LINCOLN: My solution is for all of you to enjoy delicious Yummycake treats. Especially our new flavor, triple chocolate and quadruple sugar! Here’re some free samples! (The President grabs more treats from his pocket and starts throwing them to the cheering crowd.) A SHOCKED SAM: What, what the…! What is going on here?! A GUY EATING A CUPCAKE: Hey, the President’s on the junk lovers’ side! A GUY EATING AN ÉCLAIR: Yeah, if the Pres says it’s okay. Then this is okay! (The crowd starts enjoying their pastry treats as the President hurls more goodies at them. An angry Sam rushes back to the podium.) SAM: Mr. President! What do you think you’re doing?! You’re here to talk about fitness and reducing obesity! This behavior is no way for the President of the United States to act! LIL LINCOLN: United States? You got the wrong guy, pal. I’m the President of the Yummycake Corporation. (Sam stands there speechless and then checks his address book.) SAM: I don’t believe it! I must’ve written the wrong address on the message! What have I done?! LIL LINCOLN: You’ve given Yummycake products a wonderful advertisement, and I thank you for it. SAM: Stop tape right now! Get that camera off those gorging citizens! Oh, Presidents of the past, please forgive me! LIL LINCOLN: You seemed too stressed my feathered friend. Have a fudge cake on me! (And he stuffed the round cake into Sam’s beak. Sam looks at the camera with a grumpy look and a melted chocolate cake in his beak. Then he waves his wings at the camera and covers it with chocolate coating.) * * * * * * CLAIRE WHEELER: Wow, I think that public service announcement went pretty well. (And he starts eating a fruit pie.) BROCK PEARSON(eating a Twinkie): I’ll say! Now let’s go onto today’s event. Reporting live from a nearby golf course are Guy Smiley and Xixi the Toucan. * * * * * * GOLF * * * * * * (We see Guy Smiley and Xixi sitting in front of an announcer’s box out in an open field.) XIXI: What’s up? This is Xixi. GUY(in a loud voice): AND THIS IS GUY SMILEY AND WE WILL BOTH BE BRINGING YOU THE EXCITING WORLD OF GOLF! OH, THE SUN IS NICE AND WARM TODAY, BUT THE TENSIONS WILL BE HOT FOR OUR GOLFERS WHO WILL BE STRETCHING THEIR STRENGTHS ON THE GOLF COURSE! XIXI: Hey, Guy! Turn down the volume! Didn’t anyone teach you how to be a golf announcer? GUY: NOT REALLY! AM I DOING SOMETHING WRONG?! XIXI: I’ll say! You’re talking too loud! When announcing golf, you’re supposed to whisper so it won’t disturb the other golfers. GUY: OH, YOU MEAN TALKING REAL LOUD LIKE THIS! PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS SAYING THAT TO ME! I DON’T KNOW WHY THOUGH! I’M WHISPERING RIGHT NOW! BUT THEY SAY WHEN I TALK IN MY LOUDEST VOICE, IT SOUNDS LIKE A SONIC BOOM! I SAY THAT’S RIDICULOUS! HERE’S HOW MY REALLY LOUD VOICE SOUNDS LIKE….. XIXI(grabbing a nearby pastry): Here Guy, have a Yummycake on me! I insist! (Xixi stuffs the cake in Guy’s huge mouth silencing him.) XIXI: As for the golf tournament, our golfers have already started at dawn and I have to say that some of our golfers aren’t making really hot progress. For example, here’s a taped scene from when Sam the Eagle from the Muppet team was at the very first tee. (We see Sam the Eagle heading for the first tee while his caddy, Jean-Pierre Napoleon, was carrying a huge golf bag.) SAM: There it is, Shaun. The very first ball, Oh I can’t wait to have so much fun! JEAN: Which club would you like first, Sam? SAM: Club, let’s see. How about a ham and pastrami on rye with a cute little olive on top? JEAN: No, not that kind of club, the other kind. SAM: Oh, what was I thinking? Hmmm, how about a membership to the Boy’s Club, no, maybe the 4H Club? Wait a minute, how about the Lion’s Club? No, wait. I don’t want to get eaten by African lions! A SIGHING JEAN: No, I mean which one of the things do you want me to drag out of your bag so you can start the game?! SAM: Oh, that. Why didn’t you say so? Let’s see, I’ll take a number 5, please. (Jean reaches for the handle that says No. 5, and becomes surprised at what he drags out.) JEAN: Hey, this is a ! SAM: Yep, those gray strings on top puts it in the mop category. It’s my specialty number 5 mop. (Jean then looks through the bag and pulls out golf clubs.) JEAN: Wait a minute! Sam, this isn’t your golf bag, this is your bag! SAM: Yes, I know. JEAN: But you’re supposed to be playing golf today, not THAN! SAM: You don’t understand my needs, Sean. I don’t go anywhere without my cleaning equipment! In fact, the principal was so impressed about the way I cleaned up the school that he promoted me from a student to a CIA agent! These things sure saved me from taking a lot of confusing tests in school. JEAN: But where’s your golf bag? SAM: Both bags wouldn’t fit in the golf cart, so I had to leave one of them behind. And you can see the wise choice I decided to take. JEAN: But you can’t play golf with this kind of equipment! SAM: Sure I can. Just watch how I use this mop to hit the ball. (Sam takes the club from Jean and puts it against the ball. “FORE!” shouts Sam as he strikes the ball.) SAM: Just look how far I hit that ball! I can hardly see it! JEAN: Sam, you didn’t hit it. The ball’s attached in your sticky mop. (Rowlf points to the ball stuck on the mop that Beau’s holding over his shoulder.) SAM: Please, Sean. Don’t interrupt the golfer who’s made a great swing! Now we’ll just have to wait to see where it lands. * * * * * * XIXI: That’s right, folks. Poor Sam has been standing in that spot for hours and his caddy still hasn’t gotten through to him! GUY(finishing his cake): JUST WHAT IS IT WITH GOLFERS WHO THINK THEY CAN PLAY GOLF WITHOUT CLUBS?! WHEN MY GOOD FRIEND, BOB BARKER, PLAYED THAT GOLF GAME ON HIS SHOW, HE ALWAYS USED A FINE IRON CLUB! NOT A MOP, NOT A BROOM, NOT A SHOVEL, NOT A RULER, NOT A SAUSAGE, NOT AN OSTRICH’S NECK, NOT A…. XIXI(taking out some candy): Hey, Guy. How about chewing on some peanut butter and caramel candy? They’re lip sealing good. GUY: THANK’S, XIXI(Guy takes the candy and starts chewing it) YOU KNOW, XIXI. IF I DIDN’T KNOW BETTER, I’D SAY YOU’RE TRYING TO KEEP ME FROM TALK…MMGGMMLF! XIXI: Well, anyway, The Muppet team isn’t the only one who isn’t doing so hot in this tournament. It looks like the Sesame team is pretty far behind too. They haven’t reached the second hole, yet. Let’s look at the Sesame team’s golfer, Mr. Snuffleupagus and his caddy, Big Bird. * * * * * * (We see Snuffy slowly walking to the ball while Big Bird, carrying a huge golf bag, was following him.) SNUFFY: There it is, Bird. The ball is right there in the open green. Are you ready to watch my next shot? A TIRED BIG BIRD(putting down the heavy bag with a loud thud): Yeah, Snuffy. But tell me, are you sure you really had some golfing experience? SNUFFY: But of course, Bird. My mommy signed me up for some golfing lessons last Tuesday, and my teacher said I’ve become a pro. Please, hand me my number 3 club. (Big Bird pulls out a giant club almost losing his balance and Snuffy takes it with his Snuffle nose.) SNUFFY: Just one gentle tap and watch the ball roll. BIG BIRD: Uh, Snuffy. All you’ve been doing since this game started is tapping the ball and watching it roll. SNUFFY: Yes, Bird. I just love watching that ball take its time and watching its peaceful rolls. Just like the ones at Miniature Golf World. BIG BIRD: But this isn’t really miniature golf. This is a wide open golf course. You’re actually supposed to hit the ball as hard as you can until it flies to the furthest hole. That way it’ll be a lot quicker. SNUFFY: Really, Bird? BIG BIRD: Yeah, I mean, we’ve been on this field for over 3 hours and we haven’t even reached the 2nd hole yet. SNUFFY: Hmmm, I’ve never hit the ball so hard before. Okay, I’ll give it a shot. (Snuffy twists his Snuffle and strikes the ball causing it to fly in the air.) SNUFFY: Wow, Bird! Look how hard I hit it. It’s going up and up and up….. BIG BIRD: Yes, Snuffy. You’ve sent that ball flying. But I don’t think golfers were meant for their balls to go way into outer space! (We see the ball orbit the Earth while two Martians were floating around making questionable, “Yip, yip, yips?”) SNUFFY: Oh dear! Should we break out another ball? BIG BIRD: I don’t think we need to, because our first ball is coming back. (Big Bird and Snuffy see the ball zooming back down.) BIG BIRD: I’ll catch it! (Big Bird spreads out his wings to catch it, but the ball ends up bopping Big Bird on the head causing him to fall down.) SNUFFY(lifting up Bird with his Snuffle): Bird, are you all right? (Big Bird opens his eyes and sees little humans flying around him.) A DAZED BIG BIRD: Congratulations, Snuffy. You just hit a birdie! (And he faints again.) * * * * * * XIXI: Ooch! Let this be a lesson to you caddies out there. If you’re gonna caddy for a Snuffleupagus, switch to a much safer career, fast! How are you doing, Guy? (Guy tries to talk, but the peanut butter caramel candy he just ate had still sealed his mouth shut.) XIXI: I’m glad you’re fine! And now let’s see how the golfer for the SpongeBob team is doing. Here’s Barnacle Boy over at the 10th hole. * * * * * * (We see Mermaid Man’s sidekick and his caddy, Mermaid Man, heading over to the 10th hole where they see a ball just inches away from it.) BARNACLE BOY: There it is, Mermaid Man. Our ball is just inches away from the hole. MERMAID MAN(studying the ball): Actually, it looks like it’s only one and a half inch. BARNACLE BOY: Nobody likes a know it all! Now hand me my putter, will you? MERMAID MAN: Right away Barnacle Boy! (He takes out a small putter and hands it to the Barnacle Boy. Barnacle Boy was about to make his putt, until Mermaid Man notices his face. MERMAID MAN: Excuse me. BARNACLE BOY: What is it, Mermaid Man? Can’t you see I’m busy here? MERMAID MAN: Forgive me, son. But I noticed you’re not wearing your glasses. BARNACLE BOY: Of course I’m not. I took them off after I finished the 9th hole back there. MERMAID MAN: But why, sir? BARNACLE BOY: Because I saw some pretty lady golfers around this part of the field. I don’t want them seeing me with glasses and have them thinking I’m old! MERMAID MAN: But you are old, Kyle. BARNACLE BOY: How dare you insult me you young upstart! Now pipe down and let me concentrate on my putt. (Barnacle Boy looks at the hole, but his blurry vision ends up seeing two holes in his view.) BARNACLE BOY: Two holes?! Hmm, which one should I choose? I know, always choose the one that’s right! The right hole! MERMAID MAN: No! Not that one, that’s…. BARNACLE BOY: Quiet, Mermaid Man. Learn to trust your elders! (Barnacle Boy putts the ball and it falls into the blurry hole making a plopping sound.) Plop?! Did someone fill the 10th hole with water? MERMAID MAN: No, your vision impaired-ness. You just hit your ball into a nearby pond. BARNACLE BOY: What the….? (The old superhero’s sidekick puts back on his glasses and sees the pond and gets mad.) Why didn’t you warn me?! MERMAID MAN: You told me to be quiet. Maybe now, you should learn to listen to me. BARNACLE BOY: Dear, loyal, Mermaid Man. Please turn your head upward. (Mermaid Man complies and raises his chin up. His sidekick places a ball on Mermaid Man’s mouth.) MERMAID MAN: May I please ask what are you doing? BARNACLE BOY(in a grumpy voice): You’ve just been promoted from a caddy to a golf tee. Now hold still if you value your mout. FORE!! (The sidekick was about to strike the ball on poor Mermaid Man’s moutl. But then, the old sidekick’s club got caught in a branch and he ended up turning himself over and falling on his bottom.) MERMAID MAN: Are you all right? BARNACLE BOY(With a branch covering his entire face): I’ll let you know once I shave for the first time in years! * * * * * * XIXI: Oh man! Let that be another lesson! If you’re a golfer under a tree, make sure it’s not too long that it touches the ground. Now let’s look at how the Foster’s Team is doing. * * * * * * BLOO: Hmm, stiff compitition this year, but we shall not be outdone! Coco, it is time to take your vitamins. (She holds out a stick of gum. COCO: (unsure) Coco... BLOO: You want to win, don’t you? Think of Madame Foster! Think of the trophy! The respect! Think of the vegemite-covered bananas! (Coco hesitated for a moment, then swallows the gum.) BLOO: Yes, very good. (At that moment, Frankie walked up to Bloo and Coco.) FRANKIE: Good luck, Coco! We’ll all be cheering for you!” COCO: Co-co. FRANKIE: Are you okay, Coco? You don’t look so good. BLOO: She’s perfectly fine! Just a little nervous about the game! FRANKIE: But... BLOO: Now, off you go, Frankie, and reserve yourself some good seats! Good day! (Frankie hesistantly obeyed, walking off into the crown of spectators setting up. Bloo sighed with relief and wiped his forehead. * * * * * * XIXI: And now let’s see how the golfer for the Phineas team is doing. Here’s Major Monogram over at the 10th hole. * * * * * * (We see Major Monogram and his caddy, Carl, heading over to the 10th hole where they see a ball just inches away from it.) MAJOR MONOGRAM: There it is, Carl. Our ball is not too far from the hole now. CARL(studying the ball): Technicall, it might just be one and a half inch. MAJOR MONOGRAM: I do not like a know! Now hand me my putter, will you? CARL: On it! CLOVER: Oi! Geek! That’s my line! (Carl takes out a small putter and hands it to Major Monogram. His sidekick was about to make his putt, until Carl notices his face.) CARL: Hi, sir. MAJOR MONOGRAM: What do you want, Carl? Can’t you see I’m busy? CARL: Sorry, sir. You usually don’t wear glasses. MAJOR MONOGRAM: Of course I don’t. CARL: But why, sir? MAJOR MONOGRAM: Because I happened to see some pretty lady golfers around this part of the field. I wouldn’t want them to notice that I’m too old for them! CARL: But you are old. MAJOR MONOGRAM: How dare you insult me you young upstart! Now be quiet and let me concentrate. (Major Monogram looks at the hole, but his blurry vision ends up seeing two holes in his view.) MAJOR MONOGRAM: Two holes?! Hmm, what hole? Oh, I must always choose the one that’s right! The right hole! CARL: No, sir! Not that one, that’s…. MAJOR MONOGRAM: Quiet, Carl. (Major Monogram putts the ball and it falls into the blurry hole making a plopping sound.) Plop?! Did someone fill the 10th hole with water? CARL: No, sir. You hit your ball into a pond. MAJOR MONOGRAM: What the….? (He sees the pond and gets mad.) Why didn’t you warn me?! CARL: You told me to can it. By now, you should learn to listen. * * * * * * GUY: OH BOY, THIS IS ONE EXCITING GOLF TOURNAMENT! LOT’S OF MUPPET MAYHEM, SESAME STREET SILLINESS, BIKINI BOTTOM BLUNDERS, AND FOSTER’S FRANTICS AND PHINEAS WHATEVER STARTS WITH A PH! NOW WE’LL BE WITNESSING SOME LEMUR LUNATIC DARING IF WE’LL PLAY OUR CARDS RIGHT! AN ANNOYED XIXI: Hey, I thought that candy I gave you sealed up your mouth! GUY: NOPE, I USE GUY SMILEY’S PATENTED MEGA WHITE TOOTHPASTE THIS MORNING. IT’S SO STRONG AND MIGHTY, IT CAN DISSOLVE PLAQUE AND SWEETS THE MINUTE IT TOUCHES MY TEETH. NOW I CAN TALK AGAIN AND SPORTS FANS CAN HEAR MY LOVELY VOICE! ISN’T THAT WONDERFUL?! XIXI(taking out her cell-phone): This is the last straw! Bring out Plan C! (Two anything Muppets push out a huge booth right behind Guy and Clifford. Guy turns his head and looks surprised.) GUY: WHY IS THAT AN ACTUAL ISOLATION BOOTH?! I HAVEN’T SEEN ONE OF THESE THINGS SINCE MY GAME SHOW DAYS! XIXI: Yep, I got it cheap from an eBay auction. Go on and try it out. (Guy steps into the booth amazed.) GUY: YES, THIS IS DEFINITELY ONE OF THOSE GAME SHOW ISOLATION BOOTHS THAT SHUTS OUT SOUND FROM THE INSIDE AND THE OUTSIDE AS WELL! I REMEMBER THE TIME….. (Xixi quickly slams the booth’s door and watches Guy moving his mouth around in silence, not realizing no one could hear him. Then Xixi locks the booth.) XIXI: Aw, sweet silence! Now back to the tournament! Playing for the lemur team is... (shudders) ...our captain of the Ring Tail guard Clover. So far, she’s doing the best job of all the other athletes. Right now, we’ll look at Clover and her caddy slash sister, Crimson, who are now reaching the 14th hole. * * * * * * (Clover and Crimson each got a big bucket and hit about half of them.) CLOVER: I can’t believe I chose golf of all events. Why am I even wearing golf gloves? CRIMSON: Golf gloves? CLOVER: How can you get blisters on your left hand if you’re right-handed? CRIMSON: I don’t know, sister-girl. I’ve been golfing just as long as you have, remember? (They stopped twice at the driving range. SInce the attached miniature golf course didn’t allow children as small as Todd to play unaccompanied, Crimson hit a half bucket of balls while Clover putted the first nine holes with the twins, then Crimson putted with her sister for the back nine while Clover drove a half bucket. Crimson was upset that she didn’t get to keep any golf balls.) CRIMSON: I wonder if Alice can get the firm to pay for golf balls too. Buying those could get as expensive as membership in the country club. Still, bad as I did I take comfort in knowing I didn’t turn in the worst score on the course today. CLOVER: Pride goeth before destruction. Besides, remember what the pro said. Start off just trying to improve yourself rather than comparing scores with anyone else. The way I see it you’ll never drop as many strokes from one round to the next as I will the next time I play. * * * * * * (We see Waldorf and Statler sitting in a golf cart watching everything.) WALDORF: You call this madness golfing? STATLER: I call it more like GOOFING! W & S: HAW HAW HAW HAW! * * * * * * XIXI: Man, this golf match is way too warped! With the way things are going, it might be 1800 years before somebody reaches the 18th hole! Let’s look back on Beauregard who still hasn’t made it to the first hole yet. * * * * * * (We see a golf ball land and Sam running up to it holding a straw broom. He shouts, “FORE!” and whacks the ball with his broom sending it flying into the air. Then Jean catches up carrying Sam’s bag.) JEAN: Wow, I’m impressed. That broom of yours sure seems to do the trick when golfing. SAM: Thanks, Sean. It’s also great at whacking away dust bunnies. (We see two Muppet bunnies covered with dust both saying, “I’LL SAY!” and they start to rub their sore bottoms.) (Sam and Sean watch where the ball lands and it falls into a sand trap.) SAM: Oh, great! A sand trap! It’ll take forever to whack that ball out of there. I hope that broom of yours is good at taking out sand bunnies. Sand bunnies are only a myth, not like dust bunnies that I wish were only a myth. Anyway, I can’t use a broom for this situation. I’ll need some heavy duty equipment. (Beau searches through the bag.) JEAN: Let me guess. You’re going to use a vacuum cleaner to get rid of all the sand till only the ball’s left, right? SAM: Nope, I’m using this baby. (Beau takes out a small dustbuster.) JEAN: But that’s such a dinky little dustbuster. It won’t be able to suck up all that sand. SAM: This is no ordinary dustbuster. This is Dr. Honeydew’s Dust Master 9000! The future of all dustbusters! Watch! (Beau clicks on the dustbuster and it starts to suck up some of the sand and then some more sand and then some more and more sand until there was no sand left, just a huge empty pit.) AN AMAZED JEAN: Well I’ll be a French poodle’s uncle! How’s all that sand able to fit inside that thing?! SAM: Oh, it’s built with a black hole. Black holes can suck up millions of things and never get full. A CONFUSED JEAN: Black holes?! Wait a minute! How can someone get possession of a black hole? They’re way out in outer space! SAM: That’s easy. Dr. Honeydew pays astronauts to collect black holes for his little dustbusters. They can easily be caught by sneaking up behind them and snagging them in butterfly nets. (Sam shakes off the confusion and notices something.) Hey, where’s the ball? Don’t tell me it got sucked into that thing along with all the sand?! Now we’ll never get it out! JEAN: Don’t worry, Sam. There’s a reverse switch on the Dust Master. I’ll just activate it and… (Beau turns on the reverse switch and the ball shoots out of it like a B.B. gun. Beau, Sam, and Jean watch as the ball zooms into the air and lands in the very first hole.) Hey, we finally made our first hole! (But then the ball suddenly bounces out of the hole and flies all the way into the second hole.) SAM(checking his binoculars): And it looks like we’ve made our second too, and it looks like our third and fourth and fifth…. A SURPRISED JEAN: You mean the ball’s going into all the holes all by itself?! How’s that happening?! (Beau starts reading the warning label on the back of his dustbuster.) Warning, if an object, mainly a ball, gets sucked into the black hole of the Dust Master 9000 and gets ejected by hitting reverse. The object will have this need to get pulled into any nearby hole it can find! A BEWILDERED SAM: I knew I should’ve gone to military school instead of caddy school! (It starts bouncing all around the fields while missing a single hole. And just when it reaches Crimson and Clover’s hole, it landed on the tee.) CRIMSON: Miss it, Clo-Clo. Miss it. MISS IT! (Clover prepared to deliver her mighty blow to the golf ball, but over extended on the backswing. Her head came up and then she topped the ball, sending it rolling some twenty yards to the grass around the edge of the water. CLOVER: You did that on purpose! CRIMSON: At least you didn’t put it in the water. CLOVER: I don’t suppose i can take a mulligan? CRIMSON: A mulligan? Not when we have a bet on. You’’ll play it where it lies. (Clover has had it. She starts attacking Crimson all around the field.) XIXI: A fight is broken out on the field. This is just not Clover’s game today. Chances are looking bad for her in this tournament, especially as an outbreak of cheating has incapacitated all but five contestants! Now, back with Major Monogram. (Major Mongram approaches the tee.) MAJOR MONOGRAM: Club. (He puts his hand out towards Carl. Carl gave him a driver. Major Monogram grabbed it and started at the ball, concentrating.) CARL: You can DO it! Go to your happy place. (Major Monogram swings the club. Things go slo-mo. He hits the ball! Th ball goes bounding off a tree, into the crowd, and hits Mermaid Man.) BARNACLE BOY: That’ll show you! XIXI: And that was yet another performance by Major Monogram, who is trailing behind in this tournament. Unless the other competitors fail to complete the course, he has no chance of winning. Next up on the next hole, DOOFENSHMIRTZ: Give it up, Francis. You lost. MAJOR MONOGRAM: No! It’s not over yet! I can still win! I got one trick from a movie that’s bound to work out well! XIXI: Ha! What a stroke of luck! Major Monogram did poorly on that last shot, so we practically have this in the bag! SAM: Driver, Sean. (He handed Jean a club.) I said driver, Sean! It was a simple instruction! Why, of all the ignorance... JEAN: I’m sorry, but SAM: You’ve been nothing but abusive to me since I took up this job! Well, I’m sorry, but you’ll have to find yourself another caddy! I quit! (He stormed off into the crown.) JEAN: That can be arranged! (Clover and Crimson land on the cart.) You two! You are now full caddy! Wait a minute. This Was the driver. Silly me. * * * * * * XIXI: You won’t believe this! Somehow, Sam’s ball seems to be bouncing into every hole it can find! And now it’s heading for the sixth hole, and now it’s bouncing out of the sixth hole and going into the seventh, and now the eighth! That Sam Eagle must be a pro-golfer to pull a stunt like this! Now it’s going into the 15th, the 16th, and the 17th hole! Just FYI, I’m a toucan, he’s an eagle. Not all birds are the same. Speaking of which, it looks like the ball has finally made a stop, just inches away from the 18th hole! Man, Coco’s just inches away from a win! * * * * * * (Bloo and Coco drive up in their golf cart to the ball just inches away from the final hole.) COCO: Co, co co coco co co! Co co co co co coco co co co co. BLOO: Yeah, it would’ve been a freak record if the ball bounced into all 18 holes. COCO: Co co co co co co co co co co co. (Coco reaches into the bag and pulls out a squirt bottle filled with water.) (A loud roar is heard distantly. A cry sounded over the golf course, and a crocodile came charging into the crowd. Everyone scattered out of its path. Everyone, that is, except Coco and Bloo. Until she got spear-tackled by Bloo.) BLOO: Coco! You’re in danger! You have to run! COCO: Coo...co... BLOO: It’s that blasted gum! I shall have to perform the Heimlich! (He made to do just that as the alligator slowly bore down on them. BLOO: Spit it out! Spit it the blasted gum, woman! (His heimliching caused Coco to spit out a number of things: a squeaky toy, a teddy bear, some glow-in-the-dark vampire teeth, and finally, a wad of gum! COCO: (shaking her lethargy instantly) Coco! (The alligator charges and Coco layed an egg. The alligator snaps its jaws, and the egg popped open to reveal... a wind up toy duck. It quacked as it waddled aimlessly across the field. The alligator snapped it up, and it exploded! This was enough to make the alligator run off, leaving the golf course entirely. The crowd slowly came out of hiding and then cheered.) XIXI: What a turn of events, folks! An alligator somehow got onto the field, and a heroic imaginary friend saved the life of another. What a day for golf! And here comes the final shot of the match! Coco has practically got this one in the bag! (Coco approached the tee once more. Bloo tipped his hat to her.) BLOO: The shot is all yours. (He handed her the club.) COCO: Cococococococo! (Coco hits the ball! Everyone watched as it soared through the air, and landed straight into the 18th hole where it lands with a wet kerplop!) (Suddenly, confetti and streamers bursts from the sky and a bunch of anything Muppets wearing golf caps and holding victory flags march around Coco and Bloo shouting, “18th HOLE! 18th HOLE! YOU WIN!”) A BLUSHING COCO: Co co co co?! Co! Co cocococo co coco co co co coco coco co! BLOO: Hey, congrats on the win, my friend. You deserve it! (Xixi then flies up to Coco) XIXI: So, Coco! Congrats on winning the golf tournament and for showing off one of the world’s greatest golf swings! An according to the rules of this golf course, for getting all 18 holes, you get to pick any object from the prize shelf! (The same golf staff starts to push in a shelf filled with prizes like a pocket radio, a CD player, a TV, a DVD player, around the world plane tickets, and gold bars.) COCO: Coco coco coco coco coco co?! XIXI: Help yourself, champ! BLOO: Be sure to choose something good! (Coco looks at all the prizes and grabs something from the left side of the middle shelf) COCO: Co co co! (Bloo, Xixi, and the golf staff looked shocked at what Coco chose!) XIXI: That?! But that looks like another explodable wind-up duck toy! GREEN STAFF MEMBER: That’s not really a prize. I just placed that wind-up toy on there so I could have both hands free to push the shelf over to you. COCO: Co co co co co co. Co co co co co? Cococo co co co co co co co co co? XIXI: But it’s an explodable wind-up duck toy! GREEN STAFF MEMBER: Coco does have a point! I put it on the shelf so it counts as a prize! COCO: Co! Co co co co co co co co co co co co! GREEN STAFF MEMBER: Yes, you’ve won it, but it’s not really new. XIXI: Man, that was pretty sneaky of Coco to win that thing, both sneaky and stupid at the same time! FRANKIE: Coco, you could’ve chosen a new TV set or a trip around the world! Why did you choose that?! COCO: Co, coco. Co co cococo co coco co co co co co coco coco. Co coco co co co coco co co co co co co. A SIGHING FRANKIE: Okay, whatever makes your heart happy. COCO: Co co co co co co co co co! (Coco starts to hold the cloth up in the air and wiggle it. Chewy, Quanita, Estella, Michael, Magic, Kareem, Cococo, Cocococo, Cocococococo, Buckaroo, Lucy, and Stupid come charging in with Eduardo following them suddenly felt an urge as he started panting.) EDUARDO: Oh, now I’m starting to see how wonderful that thing is! Sick ‘em, muchachos! (The puppies jumps up and nab the end of the cloth with his mouth while Coco happily tugs on it. Xixi looks weird at Coco who was playing tug of war with the puppies and his new washcloth and slowly and quietly steps away back to her announcer’s box. XIXI: And there you have it. A total capital C golf match! CUCKOO golfers where one makes a CRAZY swing and gets a totally CUNNING prize of a COCO CO CO CO CO CO CO! (Xixi turns around and finds Guy Smiley still in his new isolation booth with his mouth moving in silence.) XIXI: What, you’re still talking in there?! Don’t you know nobody can hear you?! You’re just wasting your voice box! (Xixi opens the booth’s door to tell her and a loud force of sound blows her away.) GUY: AREN’T THESE ISOLATION BOOTH’S AMAZING THINGS?! SOUND NEVER ESCAPES WHEN THE DOOR’S SEALED TIGHT. AND WHEN MORE SOUNDS GET ADDED INSIDE, IT RELEASES A POWERFUL FORCE ONCE THE DOOR’S OPEN! ISN’T THAT AMAZING, XIXI? HEY, XIXI. WHERE’RE YOU GOING?! (Guy sees Xixi getting blasted away by the sonic blast and ends up crashing onto the front of Waldorf’s and Statler’s golf cart.) WALDORF: Hey, are you the waiter? A DAZED XIXI: What’s that? I think I lost my hearing! STATLER: If you are the waiter, can you bring us a couple of Shirley Temples? XIXI: Yes, my sweetheart has lots of curly dimples! WALDORF: Wow, this guy really has lost his hearing. STATLER: At least he’s protected from that Bear’s deadly jokes. W & S: HAW HAW HAW HAW! (Clifford starts laughing as well.) XIXI: Uh, what are we laughing about? GUY: GOOD OLD XIXI. ALWAYS CLOWNING AROUND! SO THIS IS GUY SMILEY BRINGING YOU BACK TO BROCK PEARSON! * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: That sure was some heavy hitting and announcer blasting action we saw on the golf course today, with the Foster’s team bringing us the win. Now let’s check on Phil with the scoring. * * * * * * PHIL: Well, Brock. It looks like the Muppet, Foster’s, Phineas and Ferb, and lemur teams are tied with 2 points while the other two teams are in second with 1 point. ‘nuff said! * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: Once again, we come to the end of another thrilling event. This is Brock Pearson…. (Just then Claire Wheeler enters the booth holding a dustbuster.) CLAIRE WHEELER: Sorry I wasn’t here. But I had to leave to get something to remove the extra lint from my jacket. BROCK PEARSON: Wait a minute? Is that one of those Dust Master 9000s?! CLAIRE WHEELER: Yeah, I heard they’re pretty effective. (He clicks on the dustbuster and it ends up sucking everything in the announcer’s booth, including Brock Pearson.) BROCK PEARSON: YOU BLOCKHEAD! (Lewis gets pulled into the small dustbuster as well as the entire screen, leaving Newsman in a black void. He quickly turns off the dustbuster.) CLAIRE WHEELER: Uh, oh! I think I may have set in on max and sucked up the entire world! Not only that, my car keys! (She peeks into the dustbuster’s snout.) If anyone in there sees my keys, hold them for me, will you? And for all you sports fans who are stuck in there, stay tuned for Day 11 of Battle of the TV Slash Movie All-Stars. Once I figure out where the reverse switch is on this thing. (Claire turns on the dustbuster again and sucks up the last remaining cameraman and his camera. The screen goes into static.) Day 11 BROCK PEARSON: Hello, sports fans. Welcome back to Day 11 of Battle of the TV Slash Movie All-Stars. I am Brock Pearson. CLAIRE WHEELER(At work at the door): And I’m Claire Wheeler. BROCK PEARSON: Claire, what are you doing by the door? You’re supposed to be in your seat next to me! CLAIRE WHEELER: I’m protecting both of us. There’s no way a monster’s gonna come in here and devour us both again! BROCK PEARSON: What are you up to? CLAIRE WHEELER: Ta-da! (She steps aside and it shows an electric light beam in front of the door.) I’ve installed a monster detector to keep monsters from coming in here and attacking us! BROCK PEARSON: Does it work? CLAIRE WHEELER: Just watch! (She sees a big orange monster trudging down the halls.) Hey monster, want something to sink your teeth into? (She lifts up his pants-leg showing off his bare leg. The monster drools happily and starts to charge into the room. But the light beam starts to electrocute the monster causing him to back away.) A CHARRED MONSTER: What is this, April Fools Day?! Why’d you have to bring my hopes up like that?! (And the monster runs away crying.) CLAIRE WHEELER: See, Brock. If any monster tries to come in here, ZAPPO! Now we’re both protected at long last! A CONFUSED BROCK PEARSON: You sure know how to look out for your fellow castors. And speaking of fellow castors, here’s Telly bringing you the latest update on the cross country bicycle race. * * * * * * TELLY(rising up from a stream with a snorkel and an eye mask): Thank you, Lewis. This is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, bringing you the latest bike report. Right now, I’m under the drawbridge that is supposed to lead our cyclists back to the city. They should be here any minute now. And look, here comes the first cyclist. It’s Willie in the lead. Uh oh, it looks like the bridge is opening. This might ruin Willie’s lead. WILLIE: My faithful two wheeled steed and I have come across one of the most frustrating creatures you can find when traveling in outer space, the living bridges. It seems like when a boy bridge and a girl bridge fall in love, they join together to form one giant bridge. That may seem useful for ravines that need a really long bridge, but it gets unpleasant when the two bridges suddenly don’t get along. (Willie observes the drawbridge as it opens up all the way making the two halves completely separate.) WILLIE: It seems like every hour, the male and female bridges have an occasional spat and when that happens, they separate from each other for a while. This can get frustrating for travelers like me and my steed who want to cross to the other side and have to wait a while. But it seems to make the silly creatures who are driving the boats below happy for some reason. So maybe there is a purpose when two bridges have an occasional argument. I just hope they can patch things up right away, so I can cross and keep my lead. TELLY: Will Willie be able to cross before the other cyclists catch up to him? If you’ll get back to me later, Brock Pearson, I’ll let you know. * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: Thank you, Telly. We’ll get back to the bridge right after today’s event. Reporting live is that happening bird reporter, Xixi. * * * * * * TUG OF WAR * * * * * * XIXI: Once again, this is Xixi bringing you the hard pulling action of tug of war! Right now, our teams are drawing numbers on who will get to go first. (The team captains gather around the referee who’s holding a top hat and they reach in and pull a number. Clover ends up pulling out a 1, Phineas a 2, Kermit a 3, Bloo a 4, Gonger a 5, and Mr. Krabs a 6.) XIXI: Well, it looks like The Phineas and the Lemur teams will be competing in round 1. Whoever wins round 1 will face off with the Muppet team in round 2, the winner of that round will be against the the Foster’s team in round 3, the winner of that round will face off the Sesame Street team in round 4, and the winner of that round will go against the SpongeBob team in the final round. The losers of each round will fall into that dirty mud puddle in the center while the winners will land on nice soft Astroturf that isn’t as dirty. But doesn’t make your skin nice and clear though. * * * * * * (On the left side, we see King Julien at the front with Clover, Maurice, Mort, Ted, and Hector behind him. And on the right side, we see Phineas at the front with, Ferb, Isabella, Buford, Agent P, and Doofenshmirtz behind him. The two captains shake hands.) KING JULIEN: Good luck to you, Phineas. And I’d just like you to know, I’ve been a big fan of your works. PHINEAS: Uh, thank you, King Julien. I wish I could say I was fan of you ever since I first saw the movie “Madagascar”, but I saw it before my best summer. * * * * * * (We see Bloo, Mac, Coco, Eduardo, Wilt, and Cheese walking to the rope and picking it up.) REFEREE: Athletes, take your positions. On your marks, get set, start pulling! XIXI: And the match has started! And it looks like the Foster’s team is using all their monster strength and is pulling ahead! (We see Eduardo doing most of the pulling while the other 4 smaller friends and the human boy were pretty much relaxing while holding onto the rope. Constantine and his team watch nervously as they were getting closer to the mud.) SCOOTER: What’s that Muppet made of? GONZO: Animal, he;s a monster like you! How come you don’t have his strength? ANIMAL: Ed trained in guard college. Animal trained in drumming college! FOZZIE: I can’t land in that mud! They won’t let me on the furniture if I’m all muddy! SCOOTER: We could use a plan here, Chief! KERMIT(scratching his head with one hand while tugging the rope with his other): Let’s see, gotta think of something fast. I know! Scooter, pretend you’re pulling on the curtain rope back in our theater! SCOOTER: Gotcha, Chief! (Scooter starts pulling.) KERMIT: Fozzie, pretend you’re pulling the string of your favorite spinning tie. FOZZIE: Wocka, wocka! (Fozzie starts tugging while twirling the ends of his spotted tie around with his other hand.) KERMIT: Animal, pretend you’re Floyd and you’re tugging on Animal’s chain! ANIMAL: Heal Animal, be good! (And Floyd starts pulling on the rope imagining Bear with Animal’s head on top. KERMIT: And let’s see, uh, I got it! Gonzo, pretend you’re yanking your own spleen out of your body! GONZO: Cool! Sounds painful! (Gonzo reaches into his sweatshirt.) KERMIT: No, Gonzo! I said to pretend! Pretend the rope is your spleen! A DISAPPOINTED GONZO: Oh, all right! I’ll remove my spleen some other time! (Gonzo starts tugging.) XIXI: Will you look at that?! It looks like the Muppet team is coming on strong. Now they’re the ones who’re pulling the Foster’s team closer and closer into the mud! EDUARDO: Okay, guys! It looks like I’ll need everyone here! (The Foster’s team nods and starts to pull with all their might. Except for Cheese, for the little mouse was holding onto the rope, but his feet weren’t touching the ground.) XIXI: Now it looks like Foster’s team is pulling ahead! Man, this is like some weird taffy pull! KERMIT: Keep pulling everyone! (The Muppet team starts to pull even harder as well. Constantine holds onto the rope harder with his bear trap-teeth, but he ends up gnawing the rope causing it to snap. And the Muppet team, except Constantine, ends up falling into the mud with a huge SPLAT!) CONSTANTINE(blushing with the rope still in his mouth): I guess I don’t know my own chewing strength. KERMIT(rising from the mud): Don’t worry about it. This kind of reminds me of my old swamp back home. SCOOTER(with muddy glasses): Has anyone seen my glasses cleaning cloth? FOZZIE(wiping his face): Here’s mud in our eyes! ANIMAL: Woodstock! Woodstock! GONZO(tasting the mud): You know, this is the same mix I use to make my famous mud pies back when I was a kid. Now, all I need is Camilla to lay some eggs for me. (The Muppets in the mud groaned at Gonzo’s weird words.) * * * * * * STATLER: It looks like the Muppet team’s name is mud! WALDORF: And you know what mud spelled backwards is? STATLER(points to Waldorf): YOU! HAW HAW HAW HAW! (Waldorf just groans and bops Statler in the face once again.) * * * * * * XIXI: Oooh, too bad for the Muppet team! While they’re wallowing in dirty defeat, the winner of round is the Foster’s team. (Mac and the imaginary friends start to cheer.) MAC: Yay! We did it! BLOO: Yeah, we’re bad! We’re bad! WILT: Bad?! But I’m a good friend. I’m sorry, but were we bad because we made those Muppets fall in the mud? If that’s so, I apologize for all of us. EDUARDO: No, Senior Wilt. Don’t worry. We’re bad is just an expression saying you’re good at something. A CONFUSED BLOO: If being bad means you’re good, does that mean when you’re cold, you’re actually hot? COCO: Co co co co, co, co co. CHEESE(holding his head): My head hurts! * * * * * * XIXI: Now it’s time for round 4, and the Foster’s team will move on to play against the Sesame Street team. And here come the six athletes ready to start pulling. (We see Ernie, Bert, Grover, Herry, Cookie Monster, Gonger, and Oscar walking to the rope and picking it up.) ERNIE: Okay, guys. Are you ready to do this? OSCAR: You bet! I can’t wait till we all fall in that mud! Heh heh heh! BERT: Oscar, the point of winning a tug of war is to keep pulling as hard as we can so we won’t fall in the mud. OSCAR: Well then, I guess I won’t pull my hardest! Mud puddle, here we come! A SHOCKED BERT: Why is Oscar even on our team?! Why couldn’t’ve we chosen someone like Snuffy to be on our tug of war team? With his strength, he could easily win this for us! ERNIE: Don’t you remember, Bert? Snuffy had to go to Snuffle-garten today! Education is important. BERT: But still, of all people, why did we let Oscar talk us into competing in tug of war with us? We should’ve realized that the only reason he wanted to be in this event is so we’d all get muddy and filthy! Mr. Referee, we’d like to replace one of our pullers with another member of our team. REFEREE: Sorry, according to the rules, no substitutions! BERT: I guess we’re all stuck with Oscar. OSCAR: Yeah, and soon we’ll get all sticky! Heh heh heh! HERRY: Wait a minute. I think I have an idea! (Herry goes over to the referee and whispers something. The referee nods a yes and Herry grabs a bucket, scoops up some mud, and then pours the mud behind Oscar.) OSCAR: What’cha doing, Fuzzy Face? HERRY: I’m building you your very own mud puddle to fall into. All you gotta do is pull with all of us, and if we win, you’ll fall backwards and land in your own private mud and the rest of us will be clean. OSCAR: Hmmm, it’s a pleasing thought. But one thing grouches hate is winning! Besides, I’d rather us all fall in that huge jumbo sized mud in the center! HERRY: Okay, if you want us all to share that mud puddle. A SHOCKED OSCAR: SHARE?!! HERRY: Yeah, and we know how much you grouches LOVE to share! (Herry turns his head and winks at his team.) ERNIE: Oh yes, Oscar. It’s so generous of you to share your mud bath with us. A FROWNING BERT: It is? (Ernie nudges him) Oh yes, it is! We love to share mud! OSCAR: Forget it! Grouches hate sharing! I’m gonna pull with all my green might so I’ll be sure to land in my own mud which none of you are gonna enjoy! HERRY: Fine, whatever makes you grouchy! (Ernie, Bert, Cookie, and Grover sigh of relief.) REFEREE: Athletes grab the rope and on the count of three, start tugging! (The Sesame team was on the left side, and the Big Blue House team was on the right!) On your mark, get start, start pulling! XIXI: And the match begins! So far, it looks like Eduardo is using his strength once again and is pulling the Sesame team closer and closer into the mud! ERNIE: Uh oh! It looks like we’re gonna get a mud bath and I didn’t bring my rubber duckie! HERRY: Not even my own strength is a match for these imaginary monsters! BERT(turning over to Grover): Can’t you change into Super Grover and win this for us? GROVER: Are you kidding? Using my super powers to win a tug of war is an unfair advantage! BERT: Who says?! GROVER(taking out a small rule book): Right here in this official rule book! (Bert looks at the book, but then stops for the Sesame team were starting to get pulled even faster.) BERT: It definitely looks like we’re all gonna be sharing a mud bath. OSCAR: Not if I call on the power of 10 grouches, plus 2! (An x-ray appears and it shows Oscar’s filth covered heart growing 3 sizes! Then Oscar gives a mighty yank, pulling the Foster’s team into the puddle, The Sesame Street team look surprised as they find themselves standing up all clean.) REFEREE: The winner of the second round is the Sesame Street team! ERNIE: Hey, what do you know? We won! Oscar won it for us! BERT: What a surprise! Say, where is Oscar? COOKIE: Right there! (They all turn around and found Oscar lying in his own personal mud puddle that Herry made him.) OSCAR(My own personal mud spa! I’m in Heaven!) * * * * * * BLOO: OH NO! We’re all in the mud puddle! I’ll drown! MAC: Relax Bloo. We’re not sinking and we’re not even muddy either. WILT: Yeah, we’ve seemed to have landed safely on some lump of fur. BLOO: Yeah, I wonder where all this fur came from? COCO: Coco coco coco, coco! MAC: You’re saying we’re on top of Ed?! (The smaller imaginary friends realize that they were sitting on the back of their team captain, eduardo, for he had fallen into the mud and protected his team from getting dirty.) EDUARDO(raising his muddy head): Could someone help me up please? (They all got off of Eduardo’s back and helped up their captain. They looked at Eduardo, whose front was all covered with sticky mud.) EDUARDO: I’m sorry we didn’t win guys. MAC: We’re even sorrier that you were the one who got all dirty and not us. BLOO: Yeah, Ed. Thank you for protecting us! EDUARDO: Aw, dinada, Azul and don’t worry about me getting dirty. (Eduardo exposes a hidden zipper in his muddy fur, unzips it, and takes off his muddy coat showing off his real fur all nice and clean. The smaller friends look at him with their mouths wide open.) MAC: Wow, you mean you were wearing another fur coat over your real fur coat? EDUARDO: That’s right, senior Mac. I really don’t like getting my real fur all dirty. WILT: Wow, Ed sure is smart! CHEESE: And clean! ALL: Cheese, you don’t belong here! GO HOME! * * * * * * XIXI: Well sports fans, it looks like the Foster’s team is out and the Sesame team gets to move onto the final round. And here comes those SpongeBob team ready to try their tugging best! (On the left we see the Sesame team and on the right we see Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob, Sandy, Plankton, Larry, and Patrick.) MR. KRABS: Okay, guys. Are we ready to do this! SPONGEBOB: You bet! I’m ready! PATRICK: I’m with you, SpongeBob. A NERVOUS LARRY: I sure hope that mud puddle’s been sterilized than Goo Lagoon! SANDY: Aw, Larry. Mud isn’t so bad. I heard it can be made into beautiful pottery. REFEREE: On your mark, get set, START PULLING! XIXI: It looks like the Sesame team is pulling the SpongeBob team closer to the mud. It seems the Sesame team has a better advantage in this round since there is no big strong monster on the SpongeBob team. SPONGEBOB: Come on, everyone! Pull harder! PATRICK: I don’t know about you guys, but I could use a light snack to charge me up. Oh lackies! (Some fish come charging up to him pushing two wheelbarrows filled with cakes, pies, and pancakes.) SPONGEBOB: All that’s a light snack? PATRICK: Of course, I usually have my big meals in my rock! (Patrick grabs a handful of sweets with one hand while holding onto the rope with his other.) SPONGEBOB: Patrick, this is no time to make yourself heavier! You’re supposed to be helping us all win! MR. KRABS: Make yourself heavier? That’s it! Sandy, tie the rope around Patrick’s waist. SANDY: Okay, Mr. Krabs. (Sandy made a loop with the rope and ties it around Patrick’s huge waistline.) PATRICK: Ah, this is much better. Now I have both hands free to grab more goodies! MR. KRABS: You two. Keep feeding your boss as much food as he can eat! (The lackies complied and brought in more wheelbarrows of sweets. Patrick kept inhaling all the food like a giant vacuum making him fatter and heavier.) A CONFUSED SPONGEBOB: Patrick, what are you doing?! PATRICK: Trust me. (The Sesame team kept trying to pull the SpongeBob team closer, but now they weren’t having much luck.) BERT: Wait a minute, why aren’t the SpongeBob team budging? ERNIE: It’s that huge starfish at the end! They’ve filled him with so much food that he’s become to heavy to pull into the mud! GROVER: And now it looks like they are trying to pull us in! XIXI: Will you look at that? The SpongeBob team now has the pulling power and they’re bringing the Sesame team closer to the mud! (Sure enough, the SpongeBob team was pulling with all their might while Patrick was just sitting on the ground, still busy eating and getting heavier.) GONGER: This isn’t fair! COOKIE: Me say! Patrick is getting lots of food while me eating nothing. GONGER: That’s it! It’s time to fight fire with fire! COOKIE: What are you up to, Chef Gonger? GONGER: This! (Gonger takes out a cell phone while holding onto the rope with his other hand.) Hello, Hooper’s Store? Please send 24 boxes of cookies ASAP! (The minute Gonger puts away his cell phone, a blue delivery man zips in with a crate filled with lots of cookies.) OSCAR: I know that smell! It’s something sweet and tasty YUCHH! (He puts a clothespin on his nose.) COOKIE: Cookies from Heaven! Oh, me want some now! ERNIE: Just a minute, Cookie. Okay, Herry. Can you tie the rope around Cookie Monster’s waist? HERRY: Sure thing! (Herry wraps the rope around Cookie’s furry waist and ties it tight.) GONGER: Okay, Cookie Monster. You can now have your cookies and eat them too! COOKIE: COWABUNGA! (Cookie starts to grab the cookies and gobble them up making him just as heavy as Patrick.) BERT: Hey, that’s smart thinking, Ern. ERNIE: Thanks, Bert. Now both sides have an equal advantage. SPONGEBOB: Oh no! We can’t seem to pull the Sesame team anymore! SANDY: Now, what do we do oh great and wise leader?! MR. KRABS: Keep filling Patrick with food! (The lackies nod and keep bringing in more food for Patrick.) LARRY: This can’t be good for Patrick’s health. SPONGEBOB: Or my ears if I hear his arteries pop! PATRICK: I have no problem with this. (Continues chomping) I’m taking one for the team! (Xixi and the crowd watch in shock as they watch Cookie Monster and Patrick keep eating and eating while the others keep tugging and tugging.) XIXI: Man, this is way beyond warped! Somehow they’ve forgotten that this is a tug of war match and have turned it into a junk eating match! PATRICK: More food, lackies! LACKY 1: Sorry, sir. But there is no more food. PATRICK: NO MORE FOOD?! LACKY 2: Nope, we’ve completely cleaned out the snack bars! PATRICK: Now what’ll I eat?! SANDY: Oh, great! Our secret weapon’s run out of fuel! MR. KRABS: But not that big blue monster on their team! He’s still got plenty of cookies left! ERNIE: Did you hear that, everybody? The SpongeBob team have no more fuel left. GONGER: Okay, Cookie. How about winning this for us, by giving us a huge tug? COOKIE: BURP! Sure thing! Me have cookie power now! (Cookie grabs the rope and starts to pull the SpongeBob team, including Patrick, closer to the mud.) SPONGEBOB: It’ll take a miracle to save us, now! (Just then, some bells were heard outside the stadium.) SANDY: Is that the sound of a miracle? PATRICK: It’s something even better! It’s the ice cream man! Let me at him! (Patrick starts to run out of the stadium, dragging the rope with the SpongeBob still holding it behind him. That did it! The entire Sesame team got pulled into the mud with a huge SPLAT!) REFEREE: It’s over! The winner of the tug of war match is the SpongeBob team! BERT: Yech! I hate mud! OSCAR(splashing around happily): I love mud! But I hate sharing it with all of you! ERNIE: Sorry we didn’t win guys! And I’m sorry we got all dirty too! HERRY: It’s okay. I play sports a lot so I’m used to getting dirty. OSCAR: Hmmm, maybe I should play sports more often! GROVER: Are you okay, Cookie? You did eat a lot of cookies just now. COOKIE: Okay? Me so hungry! All this mud makes me think of brown gooey chocolate! BERT: Don’t tell me you’re thinking about eating all this mud?! OSCAR(holding onto his mud): Don’t you dare! COOKIE: Of course not! Me want ICE CREAM! (Cookie jumps out of the puddle and runs out the same stadium exit Patrick went through.) XIXI: And there you have it, sports dudes! The SpongeBob team wins the tug of war match! They were the only ones who came out clean without getting a mud bath. Normally, I’d be interviewing the winners right now, but I have no idea where they went off to. * * * * * * (We see an ice cream truck driving down the street while Patrick was chasing after it while the other five SpongeBob teammates were still holding onto the rope running behind him.) MR. KRABS: Patrick, stop running! PATRICK: Not until I get my ice cream! SPONGEBOB: We’re gonna be stuck on this rope following after my best friend, forever! PLANKTON: I knew I’d come to the end of my rope one of these days! LARRY: I’m wondering why we just don’t let go of the rope? (The five SpongeBob teammates look at each other funny and then let go of the rope. Sure enough, the five SpongeBob teammates had stopped running while Patrick was still chasing the ice cream truck.) MR. KRABS: Good thinking, Larry! SANDY: Yes, you saved us! LARRY(blushing): AWWWW! (Just then, Cookie Monster zooms past the SpongeBob team and tries to catch up with Patrick who was trying to catch up with the still moving ice cream truck.) COOKIE: Come back! Me want chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream! PATRICK: Ditto for me! * * * * * * (Back in the main announcer’s box) BROCK PEARSON: And that ends the tug of war match with the SpongeBob team claiming the victory. Let’s see what the scoring is now with Phil. * * * * * * PHIL: Well, Brock. It looks like the Muppet, SpongeBob, Foster’s, Phineas, and lemur teams are tied with 2 points each, while the Sesame team is in last place with 1 point. That Sesame team better pull something out of their sleeves if they want to catch up! Let’s hope their next athlete isn’t wearing a sleeveless tank top. (guffaws) * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: You’d better get your sense of humor ulcer replaced, Phil. Anyway, before closing, here’s another report from our Monster on the Spot, Telly. * * * * * * TELLY(standing at the other side of the bridge): Thank you, Brock. I’m back here at the open drawbridge where it’s still open all this time. And all sox of our cyclists are at the other end still waiting to cross. And the reason it’s taking so long for the bridge to close is because it looks like a huge parade of boats is passing by. And it looks like there’re hundreds of them. COUNT: Make that 113 boats, no 114, 115, 116, Oh, I love waiting here counting passing boats! I hope that bridge never goes down! (The other five cyclists sigh of frustration. Just then, Beaker gets a ring on his cell phone.) BUNSEN’S VOICE: Hello, Beaker! I’m watching your predicament right now on the big screen, and I’ve prepared something in your bicycle to help you get pass open drawbridges. A NERVOUS BEAKER: Mee mee mee meep! BUNSEN: Just trust me, Beaker, like you always do. Just push the button on the center of your handlebars and you’ll propel to victory. (Beaker sighs as he pushes the button, and suddenly a propeller ejects from the back of the bike and it carries Beaker over the open bridge.) AN AMAZED BEAKER: Mee, meep? (The other cyclists and Telly were too busy watching the boats to notice that Beaker was hovering over the open bridge.) TELLY: Well, it looks like the last of the boats have passed, so the bridge should be closing any minute. COUNT: That was 128 beautiful boats! HA HA HA HA! (The Count’s trademark lightning appears, striking the propeller on Beaker’s bike.) BEAKER: MEEEEEEEP! (Beaker was about to fall into the water, until the bridge closed on him. We see Beaker’s head sticking out of the bridge.) TELLY: Now that the bridge is closed, our bikers can continue the race. Say, what happened to Beaker? (Beaker painfully twists his head around and sees the three bikers pedaling with all their might. Some dust appears and when it clears, we see a flattened Beaker’s head stuck on the bridge. Beaker’s cell phone rings again and he hits the loudspeaker button.) BUNSEN: Oh, I’m sorry about that Beaker. But don’t worry. The bridge will open up again in an hour and you’ll be free. BEAKER(in a flattened voice): MEEP! * * * * * * TELLY: And there you have the latest update on our bicycle race. This is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, bringing you back to Brock. * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: And there you have Day 11 of our exciting and pretty weird sporting event. This is  Brock Pearson saying see you next time for Day 12 of Battle of the TV Slash Movie All-Stars. CLAIRE WHEELER: And this is Claire Wheeler saying don’t let the weight of the world stop you from going out and fulfilling your dreams! (Then a huge 20 ton weight lands on Claire squashing her flat.) BROCK PEARSON(shaking his head): You’d think she’d learn to watch her mouth after all these days of things landing on her. Don’t worry, Claire. A personal announcers’ doctor is on his way to help you. (But it turns out that the doctor was a green furry monster. He tries to enter the announcer booth, but he ends up getting zapped by the monster detector Claire Wheeler had installed earlier.) AN ANGRY DR. MONSTER: What is this, a joke?! I’ve heard of apples keeping the doctors away, but this is totally twisted! So long, you’re on your own here! (And Dr. Monster takes out a golf club and walks away.) BROCK PEARSON(peeking under the weight): Sorry, Claire. No doctor for you today! But I’ll see if I can find you a tire pump and pump up back into shape! CLAIRE WHEELER(in a muffled voice): Thanks Brock. Camera off, now! (Camera goes off.) Day 12 BROCK PEARSON: Hello, sports fans. Welcome to Day 12 of Battle of the TV Slash Movie All-Stars. I’m Brock Pearson. CLAIRE WHEELER: And I’m, I can’t believe I’m still alive, Claire Wheeler. BROCK PEARSON: And today, we’ll be bringing you that exciting and terrifying event, The Scare Simulator. A NERVOUS CLAIRE WHEELER: The Scare Simulator?! * * * * * * THE SCARE SIMULATOR * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: That’s right, Claire. Scaring people has been a favorite sport of monsterdom for years. Just take a look at these clips from the scaring champions of the past. Note, those of you who are monsterphobics might want to turn your heads. CLAIRE WHEELER: Thanks for the advice! (We see clips from classic shows and movies with monsters in them where it showed all kinds of scary monsters charging, growling, and even eating people.) CLAIRE WHEELER(covering his face with his hands): Is it over? BROCK PEARSON: Yes, the clips are done. And now for the exciting part, we have a returning Scare Simulator champion here in our announcer booth and we’re going to be interviewing him. CLAIRE WHEELER: You’re kidding?! BROCK PEARSON: Do I look like a kid?! And here he is, Mr. Beautiful Day Monster. (From the desk, rises a big blue tall monster with black eyebrows, huge eyeballs, and a big blue mouth. He also had lots of gold medals around his neck.) CLAIRE WHEELER: I just remembered! I left my keys burning in the oven. I’ll be right back… MONSTER: STAAAAAAYYYYY! A NERVOUS CLAIRE WHEELER: Yes, sir! BROCK PEARSON: Now, Mr. Beautiful Day Monster…. MONSTER: Please, call me B.D. I like that better. BROCK PEARSON: BD? BD: Yeah, it stands for BAD! Because the girlies say that monster is one bad….” CLAIRE WHEELERN: Please, watch your language. (BD grabs Newsman by the neck.) BD(in a polite voice): I’m just talking ‘bout me! (Then he drops Claire Wheeler back in his chair.) BROCK PEARSON: Okay, BD. They say you were the scaring champion back in the 60s and 70s and you’ve won many gold medals and trophies for the Scare Games at Monsters University your acts of terror and traumatizing people for life. Mind if I ask you what is your secret? BD: Not at all! I always start each morning with a healthy breakfast of toast with people. BROCK PEARSON: Did you say people? BD: Oops, did I say people? I meant to say toast with peanut butter. And then I spend my mornings exercising my scaring moves. I do this by growling at pictures of people before I go out and scare the real things. I mostly like to practice on pictures of celebrities. (BD takes out a photo of Bob Goldthwait.) Someday, I would love to have a screaming match with the great Bobcat. BROCK PEARSON: Can you please show us a demonstration of your scaring talent? CLAIRE WHEELER: No, don’t ask him that! BD: Well, I’m sort of a retired champion now and my doctor told me to cut back on the scares. CLAIRE WHEELER: Thank goodness! I mean, thank goodness for doctors. BD: But I suppose I can spare one tiny scare! (BD takes a deep breath and lets out a loud growl, chasing Newsman out of the booth leaving a Newsman shaped hole in the wall!) BROCK PEARSON: That’s a tiny scare?! BD: Of course. This is my biggest scare! (BD takes an even deeper breath and is about to let out an even growl, but then a PLEASE STAND BY card appears on the screen.) VOICE: Due to The Beautiful Day Monster’s reputation of causing ultimate terror, that scare scene had been censored for the safety of little children and people with heart conditions. (When the screen comes back, we see a Brock Pearson shaped hole in the wall and BD Monster standing there all alone. BD sees he’s still on camera and picks up one of the table microphones.) BD: My fellow monsters. Keep working hard and keep believing and scaring and one day, you too can become a scaring champion like moi! (Then BD eats the microphone.) BROCK PEARSON: Thank you, BD. Now, it’s time to see how terrifying our scarers really are in the Scare Simulator! CLAIRE WHEELER: But be warned, each simulator scare has been set to the highest difficulty level. * * * * * * (Down in the stadium, we see the 6 teams gathered around the referee who was explaining the rules about Scaring People.) REFEREE: All right teams, here are the official Scaring People rules. Each of you will send your chosen scarer into the city. And whoever scares the most people today wins. But you will lose points if you eat any of the people you scare. EDUARDO: You mean I can’t eat anyone? AWWW! And I starved myself all day for this event! REFEREE: Okay, teams. Everyone return to your dugouts and choose the athlete who will be competing and send them out into the city so they can start scaring. (The teams went back to their dugouts.) BLOO: Okay, Ed! Are you ready to go out there and scare us some points? EDUARDO: Sorry, Azul. I didn’t know I wasn’t allowed to eat the people I scare. That’s kind of one of my specialty scaring techniques. And besides, I can’t scare anyone on an empty stomach. BLOO: What are you saying? EDUARDO: I called a pizza parlor and ordered a pizza with everything, including a kitchen sink. I’m just gonna have one uno slice and the faucet, then I can compete. Smell you later, Azul! (And Eduardo rushes out the stadium door leaving a befuddled Bloo.) * * * * * * (In the Phineas dugout.) PHINEAS: Listen up, everyone! We got ourselves a crisis. We don’t have a lot of those who are scary and I need someone to compete in the scaring event. Who here is an expert scarer? CANDACE: How about Meap? PHINEAS: Meap, scare people? You must be joking! FERB: All he’d do is march out there in a string bikini and a mask and watch everyone scream and gouge out their eyes! CANDACE: Oh yeah! How about I make your mom the scariest thing on Earth by me calling her on my phone?! (Phineas quickly holds Ferb’s back.) * * * * * * (In the Muppet dugout.) GONZO: I can do a stunt that’ll actually kill me and scare a whole nation! CONSTANTINE: Thanks for the offer, Zongo. But we don’t need to go that far! * * * * * (In the SpongeBob dugout.) SPONGEBOB: Hey, Gary. No offense, but bugs are good at scaring people, why don’t you go out there and growl like a wild animal? GARY: Meow! SPONGEBOB: On second thought, just go out there and meow like you normally say! That’ll send ‘em screaming! * * * * * * (In the lemur dugout.) KING JULIEN: Hey, Mort. Why don’t you send Hans out and scare people? He’s really good at that stuff. MORT: Sorry, but Hans is at Club Moist right now getting his shots. And knowing Hans, those snake doctors holding those saws will probably need doctors themselves if they try to stick my Hans. KING JULIEN: Come on, guys. Will you get serious? Isn’t there anyone here who’s an expert scarer? CUTE VOICE: Ahem! (King Julien looks down and sees Todd the little gray lemur smiling at him.) KING JULIEN: Todd? You’re an expert scarer? TODD: Does a rainbow have 7 colors? KING JULIEN: But Todd, you’re specialty is being cute. How can you scare people? TODD: I’ll have you know that underneath this sugary cute hide, is a secret darkness waiting to jump out and pounce at innocent citizens. KING JULIEN: But Todd…. TODD: King Julien, trust me, please! (Todd starts giving King Julien the cute bunny-eye stare.) KING JULIEN: Oh, all right. Todd, go out there and give us your scaring best! TODD: Thank you King Julien! (Todd goes out the door while singing, “LA, LA, LA, LA!” Everyone became shocked at King Julien’s decision.) MAURICE: King Julien, why did you choose Todd?! KING JULIEN: Sorry, everyone. But I can’t resist his cute adorable eyes! MORT: But King Julien. I have even cuter adorable eyes and you’ve always seem to resist me all the time! CLOVER:(trying to change the subject): Uh, um, hey everyone. Let’s all try to remain optimistic here! Somehow, I have this tail feeling that Todd will pull through for us! KING JULIEN: Yechh! * * * * * * (In the Sesame dugout.) COOKIE: Me tell you, Gonger. We got this event in the bag. GONGER: We have, Cookie? COOKIE: Of course! Sesame Street is famous for our monster surplus population. And we got lots of monsters on our team. Surely, one of them is a champion scarer. (When Cookie and Gonger entered the locker room, they find lots of monsters like Grover, Herry, Elmo, and many more. But they weren’t scary at all. All the monsters had cute faces and were playing sweet games like patty cake and Ring Around the Rosie.) GONGER: Wait a minute! None of these monsters are scary at all! They’re all cute and adorable! GROVER: Thank you! I always get called cute and adorable! Mainly, I am the one who mostly calls me that. COOKIE: But where are all the scary monsters?! The ones with dark fur, hairy eyebrows, and sharp teeth?! The ones that always growled, jumped on people, and shout WUBBA WUBBA?! HERRY: Sorry, Cookie Monster. But we Sesame Street monsters don’t do that scaring stuff anymore. COOKIE: But why, Herry? HERRY: Back in the 60s and 70s, Sesame monsters used to be famous for scaring people, but angry parents and teachers complained that we’ve been terrifying innocent little kids, sending them running out of the rooms crying and even giving them nightmares. We monsters felt bad about that, so we all got ourselves fur cuts, shed our sharp teeth, and took night classes on how to act cute and friendly. That made kids like us a lot better and we kind of like it too, right guys? ALL THE MONSTERS: YAAAY! COOKIE(in tears): Aw, that is such a sweet story! Aren’t you glad we don’t have anymore scary monsters on Sesame Street, Gonger? GONGER: Normally, I would be full of joy about this! But we have a Scaring People event coming up! What are we going to do about this?! ABBY’S VOICE: (Perhaps I can be of service!) COOKIE AND GONGER: Abby Cadabby?!(Suddenly some magical sparks appeared, and there standing in the middle of the room was Abby Cadabby.) ABBY: Yes, I’m Abby Cadabby! Here to solve your scaring problem! COOKIE: Are you going to be the one who competes in the Scaring People event? ABBY: Yes, you might say that! With a wave of my wand, I’ll create a really scary monster that will scare lots of people in the city! GONGER: Can you really do that? ABBY: But of course! Thanks to me, the scary monster population is not going extinct anytime soon! Here we go! (Abby waves her wand): Near and far, here and there, Bring us some terrifying monsters to scare! Zippity zap! (A puff of smoke appears and everyone was expecting to see a scary monster, but instead, they see something else on the floor.) COOKIE: It’s a pumpkin! ABBY: Oops! How’d that happen? GONGER: How’s a pump-a-kin supposed to scare millions of people?! ERNIE: Maybe if all those millions of people are on a low carb diet! KEE HEE HEE! COOKIE: Good one, Ernie! GONGER: Very funny! I’d better pick up this pump-a-kin before it attracts bugs! (Just as Gonger was about to touch the pumpkin, it sprouted scary eyes and showed fangs. The pumpkin started to growl and almost snapped off Gonger’s hand.) GONGER: Let me out of here! (Gonger starts to run off while the monster pumpkin hops after him.) COOKIE: Poor Gonger! He’s got himself in a sticky situation! ABBY: I think I remember why the spell failed! A mere magic wand isn’t enough to create a scary monster. I’m going to need more heavy duty equipment. I’ll be right back. (Abby leaves the locker room in some magical sparks.) * * * * * * (We see Brock next to some large computer) BROCK PEARSON: This here is the Scream-o-meter. This’ll measure how many screams of terror our contestants will cause the victims. And as we watch on the huge TV screen up above, we see a bunch of innocent New Yorkers, unaware that their every day lives are about to be disrupted by acts of terror. Our first scarer is from the Foster’s team. It’s Eduardo! (We see Eduardo happily marching to the simulator. Todd is watching from the lemur dugout.) EDUARDO: You are going down, niño. TODD: No, you are. (The buzzer sounded off, and he was off. Eduardo looked at his kid’s file for a minute and ran inside. He dodged the mobile, avoided to toys, and ducked in front of the robo-kid’s bed, out of it’s view. Then, he jumped up, and gave a big, loud roar. It lasted for a good three seconds! His roar made his team cheer with amazement as he walks out of the door.) BROCK PEARSON: Amazing performance by Eduardo! And according to the Scream-o-meter, Eduardo has gotten 1 scare! * * * * * * (Back at the Foster’s dugout...) BLOO: How did you do? EDUARDO: Not bad for me to give the kid a fright, but it wasn’t enough to give us multiple scares. BLOO: It’s fine, Ed. You did good. * * * * * * CLAIRE WHEELER: Now we will see who will give a real child an even bigger scare. And the scarer for the lemur team might be scary enough to give out that actual scare. And competing for the lemur team is Todd? (The audience gasps with amazement. At the lemur dugout, the other lemurs look at King Julien, who whines in despair.) KING JULIEN: Oh! (The buzzer went off. Todd ran across the field. Todd looked at his kid’s file and noticing that the kid was afraid of wild animals, Todd smirked at this. He opened the door, walked through it, and saw other sleeping kids in the kid’s room. Todd closed the door quietly, and ducked down in front of the kid’s bed. He stood up on top of the bed and saw the kid was still asleep. Todd started to look innocent in front of the child, but five seconds later, he starts doing his war face by angering his eyes and baring his sharp teeth. Then, he lets out a giant scream, that was louder and scarier than any of his other scares. It woke the kids up immediately, making the kids scream. When the kids saw him, they screamed even louder! When the kids stopped screaming, Todd left the simulator and saw that his fellow older lemurs cheeering as he returned.) CLAIRE WHEELER: And he nailed it! According to the Scream-o-meter, Todd gave out twelve screams, considering the fact that he used the slumber party simulator. One place ahead of the Foster’s team, too. * * * * * * (At the lemur dugout, Todd walked over to his team as he passed King Julien.) TODD: So, how did I do? KING JULIEN: Yo did really sick-nasty out there, Todd. TODD: Who would’ve thought that such a cute lemur child would be filled with such sinister sugar. * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: And look, here comes the scarer for the Phineas and Ferb team. It’s Dr. Doofenshmirtz? (We see Dr. Doofenshmirtz happily waltzing down the street holding a basket of eggs.) LADY: What is he doing competing for the scare games?! DOOFENSHMIRTZ: Behold! Have a Colorful-Easter-Egg-Which-is-Definitely-Not-a-Disguise-inator on me! (He starts handing out colored eggs to everyone as they all gather around Doofenshmirtz, interested in his colorful eggs.) BROCK PEARSON: It appears that Dr. Doofenshmirtz isn’t trying to scare everyone. Instead, he’s giving out what looks like colored eggs. And it’s not even Easter! * * * * * * CARL: Doofenshmirtz’s giving out Easter Eggs? Sir, how’s that supposed to scare people? MAJOR MONOGRAM(shaking his head in disappointment): To tell you the truth, Carl. I have no idea! * * * * * * (Once everyone on the street had received an egg, Dr. Doofenshmirtz bowed to everyone and sneaked away. He hid into a nearby alley, took out a remote control, and smiled a cute, but wicked, smile.) DOOFENSHMIRTZ: Operation, Yolks on You Folks, ready to commence! Password, Anti-Cute-and-Cuddly! (The people looked at their eggs and noticed that they were starting to hatch. Just then, some puffs of smoke appeared, and when the smoke cleared, all the people found themselves face to face with a bunch of small robot dinosaurs with sharp teeth. The robo-saurs growled at the people and they all ran away screaming while the robo-saurs chased after them. Then Dr. Doofenshmirtz walks up to the screen.) DOOFENSHMIRTZ: And there you have it, folks! The robot dinosaurs hatching from Colorful-Easter-Egg-Disguise-inators. I love the classics! And don’t worry, they won’t eat these people, just take little nips on their little bu…, WHOOPS! I mean fannies! A SURPRISED BROCK PEARSON: Yes, sports fans. Doofenshmirtz seems to have pulled it off and according to the Scream-o-meter, Doofenshmirtz has gotten 78 screams and rising, placing him ahead of the Foster’s and Lemur team! * * * * * * MAJOR MONOGRAM: Did you see that? I would never think to pull a prank like that! CARL: Doofenshmirtz has a more twisted mind than I do! A SURPRISED MAJOR MONOGRAM: Yes, Dr. Doofenshmirtz seems to have done it! Agent P should definitely put him into therapy! * * * * * * CLAIRE WHEELER: This is Claire Wheeler reporting from the SpongeBob dugout, where I’m standing next to SpongeBob, the leader of the SpongeBob team. Now SpongeBob, have you selected a scarer to go out and scare a bunch of citizens? SPONGEBOB: Yes we have. We’ve chosen him since the beginning of this tournament. CLAIRE WHEELER: And which Bikini Bottomite will be competing in this event? SPONGEBOB: I never said he’d be from Bikini Bottom. CLAIRE WHEELER: Come again? SPONGEBOB: Just watch the screen. He should be showing up any minute now. (Everyone watches the screen and we see another section of New York where citizens were minding their own business. Just then, they hear some distant foghorn sounds, then the foghorn started to get louder and louder. A guy looks into his coffee cup and sees the coffee shaking. Just then, a huge shadow covers the citizens. They scream and run away in panic as they saw a huge giant green ship with a ghastly pirate looking down at them.) A SHOCKED CLAIRE WHEELER: What the heck is that?! SPONGEBOB: Meet the Flying Dutchman. The athlete I selected to be our scarer. FLYING DUTCHMAN: You bet your white lily livers I’m the Flying Dutchman! I will tell you a secret: I’m going to steal your souls! (Flying Dutchman whips out a cage and starts grabbing handfuls of helpless humans and puts them in the cage.) CLAIRE WHEELER: What’s he doing?! He’s not gonna eat all those people, is he?! SPONGEBOB: No, don’t worry. Before the event, I informed Dutchie that eating the people he scares is against the rules. He told me he won’t be doing that. (Claire sighs of relief.) And then he mumbled something about locking the humans away in his room forever and feeding them bugs. Did I also forget to mention that I also shaved his beard with a lawnmower before the event? (Claire makes another worried face and turns to Brock.) CLAIRE WHEELER: What’s the Flying Dutchman’s score on the Scream-o-matic, Brock? BROCK PEARSON: Well Claire, it looks like the Flying Dutchamn has gotten 130 screams, putting him ahead of the Foster’s, Phineas, and lemur team. And it looks like he got half the number of people he scared in that cage of his. (The Flying Dutchman flies through the city carrying a cage filled with frightened and screaming humans.) FLYING DUTCHMAN: Don’t worry little people! You’ll love living with me at my ship. And if all those other ghouls try to hit you with a roller coaster ride, please don’t take it personally. They just need some time to get used to. (Just then, the Flying Dutchman stops in silence and ends up dropping his cage causing all the people to escape and run away.) FLYING DUTCHMAN(with a mesmerized look): She’s beautiful! (The Flying Dutchman starts to soar into the water and heads over to Staten Island. He then looks at the Statue of Liberty and wraps his arms around her.) You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met. Actually, you’re a much better girl I’ve ever met! Oh, my dream has come true! (The Flying Dutchman starts kissing the statue while the statue suddenly makes a silent sour face.) * * * * * * STATLER: Oh, that poor old girl! WALDORF: I’ve heard of loving Lady Liberty, but this is ridiculous! * * * * * * CLAIRE WHEELER: Well, after seeing that frightening and sickening display from the SpongeBob’s team, let’s check with the Muppet team. (Claire approaches Dominic Badguy.) Tell me, Mr. Bad-gee. Are your teammates going to go out there and act like monsters, growling at everyone? DOMINIC: Oh no, Ms. Wheeler. I’m not competing in this event. Someone else from my team is. CLAIRE WHEELER: No offense, but that might be a little difficult since all the members on your team are so honest. DOMINIC: Our teammate will be ready for scaring, which should be right now. (Sure enough, the sun was gone at it became night with a bright full moon. Everyone looked at the screen and saw some people walking calmly in the beautiful moonlight.) CLAIRE WHEELER: Um, Kermit. We don’t see any people getting scared yet, just a quiet night with a beautiful full moon. Where is this scarer? CONSTANTINE(pointing up): You’re looking at her. Okay, cue the ignition! FEMALE ROBOTIC VOICE: Warning. This giant ball of death will go nuclear and New York will explode in 1 minute. (Just then, the moon started showing a minute-long countdown. Everyone in New York started to scream and panic as well as the people in the stadium, and Claire who hid behind Dominic’s back.) CLAIRE WHEELER: Now, that there’s one out of this world scaring trick! Mr. Kermit, how were you able to put all that stuff on the moon? CONSTANTINE: Huh, huh. It’s easy when you’re good friends with the moon. A PUZZLED CLAIRE WHEELER: Itself?! DOMINIC: Thank you, Kermit. (The mask suddenly fell off the moon. The moon floated even further into the night sky.) A SHOCKED CLAIRE WHEELER: Those who’ve created the theory about the Man in the Moon are gonna be totally disappointed. Uh, Brock. How did the Muppet team do? BROCK PEARSON: Well Claire, according to the Scare-o-meter, it looks like that big moon explosion scare has frightened the entire city along with the half the world where it’s night right now, putting the Muppet team in the lead. CLAIRE WHEELER: Wow, half the world! That’s gotta be tough to beat for the Sesame Street team who so far, hasn’t scared anyone yet. Let’s check on their progress. (Claire heads over to the Sesame dugout and approaches Cookie Monster and Gonger.) CLAIRE WHEELER: Now, Cookie. I’ve heard that Sesame Street is famous for its monster population. Are you going to send one of those monsters out into the street to scare lots of people, which hopefully I won’t be one of those people? COOKIE: Actually, no. Abby was supposed to be competing in this event, but she had to leave to get something. (Just then, a magic sparkles happened, and Abby Cadabby was back with a huge black cauldron over a fire.) GONGER: Abby, you’re back! ABBY: Yes, I’m Abby! And I have come back with some magic equipment that’ll help us win this event. COOKIE: Is that an actual witch’s cauldron? ABBY: Yes it is I got it cheap from a W-bay auction. GONGER: W-bay? ABBY: It’s an on-line bidding store for witches and warlocks. And I was lucky to be the highest bidder. GONGER: So, will this help us win the Scaring People event or what? ABBY: But of course. All I have to do is mix these magic ingredients together and I can summon a terrifying force that’ll frighten millions of people. COOKIE: Oh boy! Isn’t that exciting, Chef Gonger? GONGER Normally, I’d be really, REALLY, against this! But I really do want our team to catch up. So mix away, Abby. ABBY(dragging in a shopping cart): Gladly. First, I’ll take two cups of snail slime. One spider web, one old snake skin, one lizard’s tail still wiggling, and finally, some 6 year old pumpkins with green mold! OSCAR: What a waste of perfectly moldy vegetables! (Once the ingredients were mixed, the brew inside the cauldron started to bubble and boil. Then, the dugout started to become dark. Cookie Monster and Gonger held each other in terror as they saw some dark smoke with red eyes rise from the cauldron and up into the night sky.) COOKIE: Gonger, what’s happening?! GONGER: I don’t know, Cookie. And I don’t think I really want to know! ABBY: Absurd birds eating their curds, now for the scary magic words! Zippity Zap Before Bed Gives You Nightmares! (The dark cloud starts to cover the night sky while everyone in the stadium started to shake and hold each other in fear. And it looked like the cloud had covered the entire world as well.) CLAIRE WHEELER(hiding under a bench, shaking): What evil has this fairy godchild released?! (Then the black smoke started to take the form of a man in a business suit. Everyone in the world looked up and surprised at the huge business man covering the sky.) MAN: Attention people of the world. I am the president of all TV networks of the world! And I’ve decided that I’m canceling all sitcoms, cartoons, game shows, and any shows that are wholesome and decent. From now on, the only shows that are going to be on the air are sleazy talk shows and reality shows! Have a nice day! (Then the man disappeared in a puff of smoke.) (That did it! The entire world started to panic. You can hear screams from the US, England, France, Germany, China, Japan, and even undiscovered island countries where natives, who have never even heard of TV, were screaming in panic.) * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: I don’t believe this! (Brock was watching the Scream-o-meter blowing out smoke and sparks.) That world wide scaring stunt has caused almost the entire world to freak out in a total panic! That makes the Sesame team the winner! A SHOCKED GONGER: You mean we actually won?! COOKIE: Yes, we did! Yay for Abby! (The entire Sesame team cheers for Abby. The blushing fairy takes a bow.) ABBY: Thank you, everyone. I’m quite surprised about that trick myself. * * * * * * STATLER(trying to catch his breath): I tell you Waldorf, seeing that display of terror almost took away what’s left of my lifespan. Um, Waldorf? Waldorf?! (Statler looks shocked as he sees Waldorf on the floor breathing hard.) WALDORF(gasping): My pacemaker! It needs a jumpstart! STATLER: Hold on, soldier. Statler’s here for you! (Statler reaches into his coat and pulls out two jumper cables.) I’ll recharge your pacemaker with mine. CLEAR! (We see the electricity flow through the wires connected to Statler and into Waldorf’s body. Waldorf gets a huge electric shock and leaps up all well.) WALDORF: Wheh! What a relief! Thanks old friend. STATLER: Wow, that scary thing you saw in the sky must’ve really short circuited you. WALDORF: Sky? I was busy looking through my wallet. I just discovered my ATM card expired today! And I have no money to eat at Golden Corral tonight! That would make anyone faint! Can I borrow some bucks from you? A GRUMPY STATLER: Why you old….! * * * * * * CLAIRE WHEELER(approaches Abby) Mrs. Cadabby! That was the most spectacular scaring feat I’ve ever seen since the Scare Games! How were you able to create an illusion of a network executive like that? ABBY: Illusion?! That was just something I taped off the news last night. A SHOCKED CLAIRE WHEELER: You mean what that guy in the sky said was real?! Oh no! With nothing but talk shows and reality shows on all the time, all of us news people will be out of work! AAAAAHHHH! (She runs away in a panic.) COOKIE: Abby, is what that network executive said was true? ABBY: Nyyahh, it’s all a trick. I just thought I might try to get in a double scare. HA HA! COOKIE AND GONGER: Whew! GONGER: Well Abby, I must say, you certainly gave Sesame Street back our scaring reputation. COOKIE: And here comes a group of angry parents and teachers to prove it! (Sure enough, we see a bunch of angry ladies marching up to Abby.) ABBY: What can I do for you? LADY 1: It’s what we’re going to do to you! LADY 2: Didn’t we warn you Sesame Street folk not to scare people anymore? You sent our kids running out of the room crying! LADY 3: Not to mention our husbands who were also watching! We’re going to put some serious censor hurt on your hide! A NERVOUS ABBY: Um, look at the time! I have some gardening to do for a quite contrary Mary right now! Twinkle out! (And Abby disappears in some magical sparkles leaving the ladies all confused.) LADY 1: Where’d she go? LADY 2: I don’t know. But someone’s got to take responsibility for that world wide scare! LADY 3: You two! (She points to Cookie Monster and Gonger and the angry ladies march over to the nervous monsters.) GONGER: Uh oh! Got any ideas, Cookie?! COOKIE: Hey ladies, would you like to meet Elmo? (Cookie drags Elmo right in front of the ladies.) Quick, Elmo. Entertain these nice people, will you? ELMO: Hi! Elmo is so glad to see you all! Wanna watch Elmo dance? (Elmo starts doing a cute little dance causing all the ladies to smile.) LADY 1: Aw, that’s so sweet! I love Elmo! LADY 2: Me too. He’s so wholesome! LADY 3: How could we ever think anything evil ever comes from Sesame Street after seeing this little dearie? (Elmo continues dancing and singing his LA LA song while Cookie Monster and Gonger quietly sneak out the back way.) * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON (back in his announcer’s booth): And there you have it, sports fans. The Scaring People event ends with the Sesame Street team winning, showing that you can learn all sorts of things from watching Sesame Street, even how to scare the living daylights out of your friends. Now let’s go to Phil with today’s scoring. * * * * * * (We see Phil lying on the floor, releasing a lot of sparks from his head, while the scoreboard was all in static.) BROCK PEARSON’S VOICE: Phil, are you all right? (Phil pushes the restart button on the back of his head and jumps back up.) PHIL: I’m fine Brock. That scare I witnessed sort of took a few ulcers out of me! But I’m well enough to give you the scoring. (Phil gives the scoreboard a whack and the numbers reappear.) Well Lewis, it looks like all 6 teams are tied once again with 2 points each. Back to you, Brock. * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: Thank you, Phil. Well, sports fans, we got ourselves another tie. Which means, tomorrow will decide who will be the big victor. Be sure to watch the conclusion of the cross country bike race and which team will win the whole thing in the final day of Battle of the TV Slash All-Stars! (Claire Wheeler comes in dressed as a pizza man with a mustache while holding a pizza box.) CLAIRE WHEELER: (in a deep voice) I have a pizza here for a Mr. Pearson. BROCK PEARSON: Claire? Why are you delivering my pizza? CLAIRE WHEELER: You might as well start calling me Mr. Pizzie now that I’m working as a pizza man! I just took a second job in case we sports casters lose our jobs! BROCK PEARSON: Aw, that won’t be happening anytime soon! So just relax. Now give me my pizza. CLAIRE WHEELER: And how about my tip? BROCK PEARSON: Okay, get serious brain surgery someday! You need it! Camera off! (Camera goes off.) Day 13, The Final Day LEWIS: Hello again, sports fans. This is Lewis Kazagger. NEWSMAN: And this is your friendly good news Newsman! LEWIS: And we’re here bringing you the final day of Battle of the Muppet All-Stars. NEWSMAN: The final day?! You mean it’s all over?! LEWIS: ‘Fraid so! NEWSMAN(blowing his nose): It can’t be! We were having such a great time here! Can’t it last forever?! LEWIS: Sorry, Newsie. But you have to accept the fact that great shows like these can’t last forever. NEWSMAN: But Sesame Street’s been on the air for almost forever! Why couldn’t our old program, The Muppet Show, have that good fortune?! LEWIS: Hmmm, that’s a good question! I’ll have to do some snooping on that mystery one of these days. Anyway, all 4 of our teams are right now tied in first place. So this last event will decide the big winner of this whole shebang! Just look at that crowd, they’re all totally hyper and excited! (We see the crowd jumping up and down in their seats screaming their lungs out.) WALDORF: What’s with today’s generation?! Don’t they know how to be quiet and well behaved?! STATLER: If you young rowdies don’t sit down and pipe down, I’m gonna take off my belt! (The crowd continues to scream!) WALDORF: And then he’ll take off his pants! (The crowd suddenly sits down in silence with worried faces.) STATLER: Works every time! * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: Well, the crowd seems to have calmed down. But I bet the excitement is still in their hearts. I bet the same goes for the people who are watching this sports event on their very own TVs in their very own towns! * * * * * * (We see Hooper’s Store where a bunch of Sesame Street characters like Baby Bear, Benny Bunny, Humphrey, Ingrid, and Natasha Monster, and some of the familiar Sesame Street neighbors are watching a TV above the counter, cheering for their home team.) (Then we look in a Siberian Gulag cell where we see Nadya, the prison guard, sitting in a chair outside the cell, but inside the cell and watching are Big Papa, Prison King, Danny Trejo, and a few other prisoners (both human and Muppet) sitting in front of a TV while cheering for the Muppet team.) (Then we look in at the Krusty Krab where we see a fill-in fry-cook and a fill-in cashier, and a few unnamed fishes were sitting in front of a TV while eating some charred-up Krabby patties and cheering for the SpongeBob team.) (Then we look in Phineas and Ferb’s house in Danville, where we see Linda Flynn-Fletcher, Lawrence Fletcher, Irving, Django, Stacy, Jenny, and the Fireside Girls were sitting in front of the TV while cheering for the Phineas team.) (In Foster’s, we see a bunch of imaginary friends watching the TV at the TV room cheering for the Foster’s team.) (In Madagascar, we see assorted lemurs sitting in front of a battery powered TV that somehow got abandoned there. They were cheering for King Julien and his lemur team.) * * * * * * BROCK PEARSON: During these past days, we’ve been bringing you updates on the cross country bicycle race. And any minute now, our cyclists will return to this stadium where we’ll be naming the winner of this whole thing! And now to bring you the last update on their progress is our Monster on the Spot, Telly. * * * * * * (We see Telly standing next to a lamp post) TELLY: Thank you, Brock. Once again, this is Telly, your Monster on the Spot, bringing you the latest report on the bike race. I am just 2 miles away from the stadium, but any minute now, our bikers are supposed to be crossing this intersection. And here they come now! We see Mr. Herriman and Baljeet in the lead! MR. HERRIMAN: This has been one long, but fun, bike ride! I’ll bet I worked off lots of excess pork fat! TELLY: And bringing up the rear are Willie and The Count. WILLIE: Just a couple of more miles my faithful two wheeled friend! And I’ll treat you to a feeding bag of oats once all this is over! COUNT: Ah yes! This has been one wonderful workout! If only it can go on forever! Maybe if I just ride past the stadium and continue pedaling and counting the miles forever! No no! My dear friends would never forgive me if I lost like that! I’ll just concentrate on winning so I can count my one wonderful win! TELLY: So far, we’ve seen three bikers pass by. But there’s no sign of Beaker or Squidward. I hope they can catch up. * * * * * * (We see Beaker pedaling somewhere in the city all beat up and covered with bandages. Just then, he hears his cell phone ring once again. Beaker sighs and answers it.) BUNSEN: Hello, Beaker. I just heard that you’re way in last place. But I know just the strategy to help you get back in the lead. AN ANGRY BEAKER: MEE MEE MEE MEEP! BUNSEN: Yes, I admit. Some of my strategies sort of failed, but I saved up a surefire strategy for the end! Now if you’ll just…. (A frustrated Beaker turns off his cell phone. Then the phone started to ring again. But this time, Beaker didn’t answer it. Instead, he tossed it in a nearby garbage truck and pedaled off.) * * * * * * (Beaker cuts into an alley hoping to find a short cut that’ll bring him into the lead. Just then, he hears a PSSST sound. Beaker stops and sees a green guy with a black hat and white trench coat, like he was some kind of salesman.) SALESMAN: Hey, bud! BEAKER: Mee mee? SALESMAN: SHHHHH! BEAKER(whispering): Mee mee? SALESMAN: Right! Say pal, you look kind of hot and thirsty. I think I have something here that’ll wet your whistle and refresh you big time. (He reaches into his coat and pulls out some bottled water.) BEAKER(panting) Mee, mee, mee, meep?! SALESMAN: Not just any bottled water, my friend. But tasty foreign water! And I’ll let you have a taste for a fair price. (Beaker shows the Salesman his pockets showing that he doesn’t have any money with him.) SALESMAN: Fear not, my broke bud. (Takes out a sheet of paper.) Just sign this IOU and you can pay me later. (Beaker seemed reluctant, but he was so thirsty that he didn’t care. Beaker signs the paper and The Salesman hands him the bottle. Beaker starts drinking it gratefully.) SALESMAN: Hope you like it. And like I said, it’s foreign water. All the way from Mexico. A SHOCKED BEAKER: MEE MEE MO! (Beaker suddenly feels his legs shaking and starts to lean over on his bike. Then he starts to pedal like mad leaving a trail of fire behind.) A SURPRISED SALESMAN: I bet this stuff will be great for putting out trail fires too! (And he pours some water on the fire putting it out.) * * * * * *